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Thursday, December 13, 2007

Not Your Father's Cartoon Network-


A few days ago we reported that Paddington Bear will be questioned by British immigration authorities regarding his legal status. That news has caused so much comment among our readers that we decided to bring you an extended report on other Cartoon Characters in the News.

I'm afraid it's not pretty, people...

Rudolph "The Red" Reindeer is currently wanted by Federal authorities on a wide variety of terrorism-related charges. A Homeland Security spokesman reports that "Red Rudy" Reindeer is known to have violated restricted military airspace on a number of occasions and to have been in contact with "Yukon Cornelius", a/k/a Mohammed Bin-Yaken. He is considered horned and dangerous.

Snoopy was sentenced to 3 years in a Federal Minimum Security Prison yesterday, following his conviction last month on 47 counts of Insider Trading in Dog-Bone Futures. He is expected to be eligible for parole in time for next year's Peanuts' Halloween special.

The Grinch remains at large despite a nation-wide manhunt. He is wanted for questioning in connection with the disappearance of Cindy-Lou Who, who was last seen on the way to the bathroom for a cup water on the night of Christmas Eve. Authorities refuse to say whether the Grinch is a suspect in the disappearance, and refer to him as a "person of interest, with cobwebs in his soul".

Arizona Prosecutors have announced that they have arrested The Roadrunner in a Phoenix motel room with 3 suitcases stuffed full of amphetamines. Well, nobody wanted to say anything at the time, but, well- I guess we always suspected, didn't we?

Superman was named today as the central cartoon character involved in the Cartoon Steroid Abuse Scandal. According to the long-awaited Snitchell Report, the Man of Steel supplied illegal body-building drugs to at least 20 fellow cartoon characters, including Popeye, Spiderman, Batman, and Flash Gordon. Superman tried to avoid reporters on a New York street this afternoon by ducking into a phone booth, but couldn't find one.

Cartoon Officials are still investigating the deaths of J. Peterson "Porky" Pig and his girlfriend Petunia Pig in a tragic accident at the Hormel plant last Tuesday. Services for "Porky" and Petunia will be held at the Warner Brothers Studio on Friday afternoon, to be followed immediately by the studio's Annual Staff Christmas Party, where Porky and Petunia will be featured on the buffet table, in all their honey-baked glory.

T-t-t-t-hat's All, Folks!

24 comments:

Hungry Mother said...

I heard that Kenny was arrested for being poor white trash.

FOUR DINNERS said...

Bugs Bunny has been arrested, charged and sentenced to a 6 year stretch. He is also now on the sex offenders register. He was caught in a park with a doe going like a rabbit.

moooooog35 said...

I've always suspected that Yukon Cornelius and Hermie had a man-boy(elf) love affair.

I believe you'll see this on an upcoming episode of "Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator"

Mike said...

Look, let's face it, these "cartoon characters" are not above the law. I mean even my personal favorite, Popeye, was arrested recently for hate crimes against the Japanese during WWII.

No one can escape the long arm of the law. Not even cartoon characters.

Colonel Colonel said...

Hungry-Mo: They gave him the death penalty, but he won't stay dead.

Dinners: I always knew that damned rabbit was no good.

Moooog35: Well, both my wife and I have always agreed that Hermie lights his Xmas tree on the other side, so to speak.

Mike: Damn right. Some people excuse them because their funny, but illegal is illegal, whether you make people laugh or feed them headfirst into a woodchipper.

Kerstin said...

I almost don't even want to know where Yogi bear is these days...or Deputy Dog. And I'll go ahead and say it, I'm pretty sure Judy Jetson has some arrests under belt for prostitution.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

IS NOTHING SACRED?

I don't know if you watch South Park but you have to see last night's three part episode. The kids went to "Imagination Land" and all these cartoon characters were there. Then terrorist attacked and let in all the evil cartoons. My facorite line was one from a general at the Pentagon. "Terrorists have attacked our imagination and now our imagination is running wild!"

Buzzardbilly said...

LOL. I guess Pepe LePew can't be far behind for stalking and cat abuse. He will plead, "I have but one hobby and that is making love."

I don't know if you've seen the DC Comictician on Star Trekiology yet, but I think he might have something to say about Superman's scandal.

Beach Bum said...

I also heard that Tom is under arrest for the drive by shooting of Jerry.
And that Jessica Rabbit is a meth addicted hooker on the streets.

Morals have just gone to hell in this country Please Mitt save us all.

Phoebe Fay said...

What did you expect, once they'd given Bluto and Snidely Whiplash cabinet positions?

Colonel Colonel said...

Kirsten: You didn't hear about Deputy Dog and Googy running off together to Massachusetts?

Bruce: We watch South Park, but missed it last night, I'll have to catch up with that one!

BB: I believe that Pepe is banned from coming within 500 yards of a school. Let's just let it go there...

Beach Bum: I don't care what she's done, I still love Jessica!

Phoebe: ...and made Yosemite Sam the Secretary of Defense.

Malach the Merciless said...

I don't trust Shaggy, he's a dopefiend

Colonel Colonel said...

And Mickey Mouse is his dealer.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I'm thinking all of these characters need to go into hiding or something.

KellyNerd said...

poor porky and petunia... I'll bet they'll be yummy though with a little brown sugar and a pineapple! lol

Seriously Colonel Colonel .. you have one imaginative brain on you! thanks for consistently entertaining me! =)

Sirdar said...

Well thank you for confirming my suspicions of some of those characters. Especially that Roadrunner. I knew he had to be on something. I wonder if The Acme Company will be brought up on charges for supplying all the "performance enhancing drugs."

Sara Sue said...

Any news on Oggie Doggie??

pissed off patricia said...

Not Porky and Petunia. Those two had been together so long and shared so much. I just can't believe they are gone.

If they mess with Baby Huey, somebody let me know.

Phoebe Fay said...

Tag!

Colonel Colonel said...

PrePo: Yes, they're pretty much all out of the public eye, except for Goofy, who cloned himself, and now all of him are running for President.

Kelly: Well, thank you! I chalk my talents up to clean living and the advice that the jar of talking peaches in my fridge whispers in my ear every morning.

Sirdar: Halliburton bought ACME, so anything is possible. Wil E. Coyoye, it will come as no surprise, has developed a prescription pain-killer problem.

Sara: He's doing the Boogie Woogie.

PoP: "Baby Huey" is now 66 years old and running a golf course in Tuscon.

Phoebe: uh oh...

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Glad to see that my Spongebob remains above suspicion. For now.

Colonel Colonel said...

HTGT: Spongebob appears to be the Andy Griffith of the Cartoon World.

C.Rag said...

COLCOL,

Here are real pics of Maria Cross naked. She's trying to get these back. If you click on the pics you can see everything, & it's a safe site.

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