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Friday, December 21, 2007

Getting Real with Reality

Ever since 'Survivor' first splatted across American televisions like a rotten egg on a windshield (remember how none of us could believe the premise could be real when we first heard about it?) "reality" shows have become weirder and weirder, and whenever I think the lowest point has been reached, some other network tops it. But as low as they've gone, there are still a few depths the network producers haven't plumbed yet, so here at MMB we thought we would.

We proudly present-

A Preview of Next Season's Top New Reality Shows-


"Divorce, Pam Anderson Style" Each week the buxom blonde star marries a new contestant who attempts to stay married to her for the entire episode.

“To Catch an Illegal Immigrant” -Contestants race each other through a mall in Texas trying to identify and capture illegal immigrant workers. Points are deducted for apprehending U.S. Citizens. In Week 1 former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales befuddles the contestants when he guest stars, dressed as a mall janitor.

“Who’s Knocked Up?” -Newly-married couples (hey, this is on Fox, the “Family-Values” network) race each other to get pregnant. Hosted by Britney Spears.

“Dress Like a Ho” -Paris Hilton hosts this new Bravo show which features top models, wearing no underwear, who compete to see how low they can go with their necklines and how high they can hem their skirts without showing “anything”. Contestants flashing nipples or coochie are eliminated, and their photos posted on blogs around the world.

"Who's Mitt Romney Today?" The fun-loving Mormon Presidential candidate takes a variety of stands on popular hot-button issues of the day, as contestants try to figure out what he actually believes.

"American Burger" A table full of hamburgers bought at Wal*Mart contains one burger contaminated with e-coli, but which one? Contestants vie to be the last one not-hospitalized.

Following up on the success of its’ hit show “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?”, ABC will allow losing contestants in that show to appear on their new offering, “Well Then, Are You at Least Smarter Than President Bush?”

All right, any additions, anyone?

18 comments:

Catalyst said...

(ring, ring) It's for you, Colonel. Hollywood calling.

AngryMan said...

I have one. It's about reporters racing each other to actually report on a story. How about elderly people trying to design the perfect Burger King for their breakfast get-togethers? On a serious note, you could have middle-aged people find out which fast food coffee leaves the worst burns (measured by degree of the burn).

Mike said...

On that Pam Anderson show, do contestants actually get to....um..you know...bang her?

That's a serious liability issue. I don't think that one is going to get past the lawyers.

Colonel Colonel said...

Catalyst: I'll go anywhere it's not snowing.

Angryman: I'll have my people call your people.

Mike: The liability thing is worrisome. Having people rappel off cliffs, swim through whitewater rapids and dive through flaming oil slicks is one thing, but banging Pam Anderson could be hazardous to your health.

On an unrelated note, I've now received 3,614 emails asking to be a judge on "Dress Like a Ho".

Joey Polanski said...

I was gonna say that th bad burgr is th one made in China; but you mentiond they was bougt at Wal*Mart and so Im guessin they was probly ALL made in China.

Phoebe Fay said...

If we get these new shows, can we yank "Republican Primaries" from the airwaves? Frankly, I'm really sick of it, and the casting is atrocious. What the hell were the producers thinking?

TED VELVET said...

how about a show called "random executioner" where a guy just goes around looking for assholes and then when he finds one puts a bullet right between their eyes

Colonel Colonel said...

Joey: Yeah, they're all bad, it's just one is also lethal.

Phoebe: And they haven't changed the script in about 35 years.

TV: That's a great idea! We can call it "Blackwater: Iraq Edition"

Malach the Merciless said...

I always thought a Prison Reality Show with Mike Vick and OJ sharing a cell

sirdar said...

Pam...just can't figure that one out...especially being a fellow Canadian eh?....

Atlas Cerise said...

Why can't reality TV go on strike instead of the writers?

Beach Bum said...

Truth being stranger than your excellent post I have read that there is one in the works called: "Who wants to marry an American citizen". And people wonder why I often think of leaving the country.

Hungry Mother said...

How about "Checkmate in Wal-Mart?" Each week, the show moves to a different Wal-Mart where two groups of customers form up into the two sides of a living chess game. The show continues until both sides figure out how to make one legal move. There is a curfew the midnight before the day of the next show.

Colonel Colonel said...

Malach: Michael Vick & OJ- So this would be like a version of the Food Network's "Good Eats"?

Sirdar: If you want her, we can send her back...

Atlas: Maybe the viewers should go on strike.

Beach Bum: I heard about that one! It's damned hard to keep ahead of the satire curve with this stuff. Whatever I invent, something weirder comes along.

Hungry Mo: Interesting, but I'm not sure how well Chess would go over with Reality Show viewers, and YOU can try to explain the rules to Wal*Mart customers. But, let's put our heads together on this one- how about "Survivor: Wal*Mart Edition"??

nerdgirlsspace said...

No creative juices flowing today to give one of my own show ideas but yours sure are funny!!! Thanks for the chuckle! Merry Ho Ho!

Cissy Strutt said...

Strangely, horribly, I somehow want to see all those shows.

How about a show called Federal Election: Regime Change, where you get a new leader. We played it over here recently & it rated hugely.

Colonel Colonel said...

NerdGirl: We live to humorize!

Cissy: I had written a show about electing a President with a Reality Show -the problem is that here in America the Republicans always cheat.

Buzzardbilly said...

LMAO those are hilarious.

Dead Presidents - A psychic medium talks to passed-on presidents about the current state of politics. Bonus: Medium can only hear their answers when his eyes roll completely back in his head, thus upping both the cheese and creep factor.

Hooker Athletic Ranch - A team of hookers and a team of recently graduated college athletes compete to see if chores get done. The athletes are supposed to do all chores. The hookers are supposed to keep them from doing chores. There will be no immunity challenges, but every athletes immunity will be challenged.

PETA's Celebrity Barnyard - Every week different B-, C-, D-, and Z-list celebrities show that they'd rather shovel shit in a barnyard on TV than not be on TV at all. Parts will be blurry on your screen because the uniforms are made of fur and we're putting that "We'd rather go naked than wear fur" thing to the test. Each week's show will be available unblurred on DVD the day following the show.

Little Old Lady Olympics - Watch grandmothers and great-grandmothers compete in events such as snooping, eavesdropping, getting other people to do stuff for them, and Jazzy racing.