Monday, December 31, 2007

My Perfect 2008-

At this time of year everyone tries to predict what's going to happen in the coming year. Quite frankly, when I looked around at the state of the world today I found that excercise pretty depressing. So instead of predicing what I think will happen, I am going to predict what I'd like to have happen in 2008. So, without further ado, I present-

My Predictions for a Perfect 2008:

Mitt Romney is found to actually be an illegal alien named Miguel Ramirez, and immediately deports himself.

The New England Patriots stun the sports world by winning not only the Super Bowl, but also the NBA Finals, the Stanley Cup, the World Series, the Indy 500, and the World Lawn Bowling Championship.

Warren Buffet stages a leveraged buy-out of Iraq and immediately flips the country to China. All US troops come home and peace breaks out as every Iraqi finds a good job making cheap American flags and Christmas lights.

Republican Presidential candidate Fred Thompson causes turmoil at the Republican Convention when, after being officially declared the nominee, he gets up and says, "Gee, thanks, but, uh, on second thought, I don't really want to be President. Um, sorry."

Britney Spears replaces Katie Couric as the anchor of the CBS Evening News, and finally realizes how annoying it is to hear about herself on the news all the time.

The first thing rising sea-levels from Global Warming innundate is George Bush's Texas ranch.

A video is released on You-Tube showing Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin and Hillary Clinton in a lesbian love tryst, and they move to Vermont where they begin new careers producing organic, free-range goat cheese.

Amy Winehouse and Carrot Top don't do anything, say anything, or get photographed going anywhere.

Bill O'Reilly admits that it's all an act.

Dick Cheney resigns after he is discovered in a Times Square bus station men's room dressed in nothing but a red bra, lacy panties, thigh boots, and carrying a whip.

Donald Trump's "hair" is revealed to be a live chihuahua.

After a tumultuous three-way Presidential race between Rudi Giuliani, Dennis Kucinich and independent Michael Bloomberg in which each candidates receives less than 15% of the vote, a national convention elects Jimmy Buffet as the new President.

During a live interview on Oprah, Condaleeza Rice breaks down in tears and sobs "Oh my God, Oh my God, what have we done to America?!?!?"

Martha Stewart is invited to decorate the White House for the Bush's last Christmas there, spray paints George with gold glitter and then glues him to the top of the White House Christmas tree.

Happy New Year, everyone!


C.Rag said...


C.Rag said...

You need to add one more prediction.
C.Rag become rich by just being a cunt.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Been dippin' into the Champagne early? Ah, if only.

Happy New Year Col.

Kerstin said...

My dad was on the Bill O. show once. And even though during the segment Bill was a complete ass, he said while off air, he was very pleasant and thankful. Kind of scary really.

Happy New Year.

Colonel Colonel said...

C.Rag: Well damn! How could I forget that one!

Bruce: Tell me there's a single one there that you wouldn't love to see happen!

Kerstin: Exactly. I'd prefer that the asses be genuine, not pretend.

Beach Bum said...

HELL YEAH! Buffett would be a damn fine president. I've been pledging my allegiance to Margaritaville or years. Still wouldn't make it any easier to get tickets to his concerts though.

Catalyst said...

How about this ticket: Jimmy Buffett and Warren Buffett . . thus combining two-thirds of the nation's wealth in one place.

The owner of the other third, Bill Gates, would be invited to the White House for a weekly buffet lunch.

Joey Polanski said...

You fergot th part where Fred Thompson names Bill Richardson as his RunningAway Mate.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Brilliant. What a fun playground your brain is!

Colonel Colonel said...

BB: Maybe he'd give us all tickets on a rotating basis.

Catalyst: Aren't Jimmy and Warren brothers already?

Joey: What Fred and Bill chose to do in private is not any of my business...

HTGT: Thanks, we just got done redecorating!

Phoebe Fay said...

I want to live in your universe!

Except I don't want to see Dick Cheney in a bra and panties. Just don't. No. The very idea burns.

Maybe Martha Stewart could cover him in fake snow instead.

Colonel Colonel said...

Phoebe: Youre right, Dick Cheney in a lacy red bra, panties & thigh-boots with a whip is a disturbing image, and I apologize for that.

I can make it better, though- imagine Ann Coulter in a lacy red bra, panties & thigh-boots with a whip.

OK, now switch back to Dick. It's not as bad this time, right?

Malach the Merciless said...

Your really that Jamaican TV fortune teller aren't you

Anonymous said...

I don't know who some of those people are but I do hope the Britney Spears, Amy Whinehouse and Condaleeza Rice ones come true.

Happy New Year to you and yours.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i have a c.rag prediction too!

science finds a way for women to reproduce and she comes to minneapolis to make perfect ginger kids

C.Rag said...


It will be done.

Colonel Colonel said...

Malach: What gave it away, the gold earrings?

Sirdar: I want to see Britney pronounce Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

T-Bird: Ginger snaps?

Buzzardbilly said...

Absolutely brilliant!

I think Martha would hot glue some pine cones and colorful berries she found on the grounds to him.

Colonel Colonel said...

Buzzardbilly: I was going to suggest that, but I didn't want the black vans showing up at the house again...

Mike said...

It all makes perfect sense to me Colonel. Happy New Year.

Hungry Mother said...

That's some seriously creative and funny shit! Thanks for the laughs. Happy New Year.

Cissy Strutt said...

May the new year bring you these, and other delights.

NerdGirl said...

Here's hoping that you get at least half of these wishes in 2008!

Happy New Year!

CresceNet said...

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Colonel Colonel said...

Mike: I know it make sense, that's what scares me more than anything.

HungryMo: Thanks!

Cissy: I thought it was a modest list, thanks!

Kelly: Like Our Pats, we're going for 16-0.

Crescenet: And how does the chorus go?

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