Thursday, December 27, 2007

"Aim Rocket at the Enemy"

The Season of Peace and Brotherhood and Shopping has ended for another year, and Congress celebrated by giving The Decider another 70 Billion dollars to spend on his war. Since The Decider refuses to listen to good advice, somebody assembled a list of good advice for the troops he's sent into harm's way overseas. So, in the Spirit of the Season we stole the list and present-

Useful Military Warnings

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper .. once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop


Mike said...

Now I completely understand the overwhelming superiority of our military. With advice like that, how could we not manage to "tie" every war we fight?

C.Rag said...

70 billion...Jesus Titty Fucking Christ!

Catalyst said...

Does this mean Christmas is over?

Hungry Mother said...

I could do so much better with 70 billion. Impeach Cheney, then impeach Bush.

Joey Polanski said...

"Media embeds make acceptable shields."

-- Field Marshal Polanski

sirdar said...

I do hope they troops take all that advice. It does sound like pretty expensive advice though....

Malach the Merciless said...

"Do not look down barrel of M-16"

Colonel Colonel said...

Mike: The Bushies do not "tie" any war- they declare victory and go home. Well... not actually "home", yet.

C.Rag: And that's going to cover what, the next 5 months?

Catalyst: It's Christmas 24/7/365 for DoD Contractors.

HungryMo: It would be even cheaper to give them each an M-16 and send 'em to Iraq.

Joey: Excellent addition.

Sirdar: The Decider likes expensive advice.

Malach: Then how do I know if it's loaded?

Bruce, a work in progress said...

They would be funny if I didn't know they were all true. This one is in line with the one about the rocket launcher but you left out the warning on a Claymore mine:

"This side toward enemy"

No shit, it really says that.

pissed off patricia said...

They're all good but the last one made me laugh out loud.

As to the war, did we win yet? If we do win, how will we know? Man, I'm full of questions for the wet diapered decider.

Sara Sue said...

I thought we won that war 4 years ago?? Too bad we can't strap Dubya & Dick to a bomb.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Your post today was a blast!

Was that appropriate for me to say?

Simply Curious said...

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for...but remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Colonel Colonel said...

Bruce: From what I read of Vietnam, that was not an idle warning. Nasty things, those claymores.

PoP: We will win when The Decider decides it is in the Republican's interest to win.

Sara: I think I've said it before- let's just send 'em to I-raq!

PrePo: Ka-BOOM!

SCG: Exactly- Rape, Pillage & Looting are first!