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Tuesday, January 01, 2008

A Better Me for 2008-


It's a New Year, and time for my New Year's Resolutions! I take my Resolutions very seriously, and really try to follow through on them. So, after much thought, here are

My 2008 New Year Resolutions-

-I will only call George Bush "a moronic idiot" on days ending with a "y".

-I will pay more attention to napping.

-I will be completely obnoxious if the Pats win the Super Bowl.

-I will return those calls from Catherine Zeta Jones.

-I will read fewer books by Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly than I read last year1.

-I will curse more.

-Dick Cheney is no longer invited to our Fourth of July Bar-b-Que; I don’t care if he does offer to bring “truckloads of Coors” and “some really hot babes from the State Department”.

-If Mick Jagger asks me, I will tell him the truth- it’s time.

-Condi Rice is no longer invited to our Fourth of July Bar-b-Que; I don’t care if she does offer to bring “truckloads of Coors” and “some really hot babes from the State Department”.

-No more liver & onion Slushies.

-I will say "yes" if Terry Francona calls and asks me to be the Red Sox bench coach.

-I will not learn Farsi.

-I will eat more bacon.

-I will stop calling Ryan Seacrest a talentless twit2.

-I will stop worrying about what's happening to Star Jones' "career".

-When a bolt of lightning from a clear sky strikes Mike Huckabee, I will not snicker. Much.

-I will make a valiant attempt not to over-do my excercise routine.

-I will not downgrade upgrade to Windows "Crapola" "Vista".

-No more drunken nude saxaphone playing. At least in public.


Surely some of y'all have a few Resolutions to share!

And Happy New Year!


1 Actually this may be a tough one- is there a number smaller than zero?
2 I always include one Resolution I have no intention of keeping.

32 comments:

Beach Bum said...

My first and most important resolution is that I will not run off screaming into the night every time I come home and hear my wife first whine about money we don't have then tell me about all the money she saved buying junk we absolutely didn't need.

AngryMan said...

Your plan is heroic and should be enough to get you elected emperor.

Colonel Colonel said...

Beach Bum: yeah, any phrase that begins with "Guess how much I saved?" is bound not to end well.

Angryman: Or at least Grand Inmperial Poobah of the Known Universe. I see it as a win-win situation.

Phoebe Fay said...

Well, I'm not making resolutions. But if I were making resolutions, resolving to not eat any hamburgers or drink any Coors beer with any member of the Bush administration on any holiday would be a fine one.

Also, resolving not to bang my head on my desk in frustration until my forehead bleeds would be a good one, too, but with the way things are going in the world, I wouldn't be able to keep it a week.

Colonel Colonel said...

Phoebe- yes, the first one is a fine resolution! The second, like many resolutions, is clearly impossible to keep and you are right to chuck it.

Kerstin said...

Good list. I'm not sure about the Ryan Seacrest one though. That may be tough.

I resolve to watch as much television as possible, spend as much money as possible, eat more and exercise less.

Colonel Colonel said...

Kerstin: And we'll all be here to help you!

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Lofty goals, my friend, lofty goals. I'll send you energy through the cosmic support network.

Colonel Colonel said...

Bruce: Yes, I can feel the CSN energy coming in now! It's says... it says... time for a beer!

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, them there's some high aspirations

Buzzardbilly said...

How could anyone obsess on Star Jones's career less?

Joey Polanski said...

If you dont learn Farsi, how dyou expeckt to be on th front lines when we invade Iran?

TED VELVET said...

I'm gonna stop wearing pants. happy new year Boston sucks

FOUR DINNERS said...

I will remain sober on all days with a 'z' in them.

Abbleynewshair mate

sirdar said...

Those are awesome resolutions. Is is still legal in the US to call your president a Moron? I hope the Thought Police doesn't pay you a visit....

Oh...and don't downgrade to Vista...upgrade to Leopard :-)

Mike said...

I resolve to wear my underwear on the inside of my pants more often.

Mike said...

I resolve not to wear ribbons in my hair anymore.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

I'll resolve to have sex this year.

Yeah, everyone needs a resolution they aren't going to keep. :P

Mike said...

I resolve to investigate the "real" meaning of the term bladder control.

anaglyph said...

No more liver and onion slushies? WHOA THERE BOY! You might want to start with something achievable then work up to the big 'uns!

Happy 2008 Colonel. May the New Year Fairy bring you lots of fine things!

NerdGirl said...

That is the best list I have seen yet!

Thanks for starting my 2008 blog surfing off with a chuckle!

C.Rag said...

I will hire someone to kill Michael Douglas so I can comfort Catherine all night long.

Mike said...

I resolve to keep posting more nonsense on your blog until you finally start referring to me as Spam. (The canned meat, not the unsolicited advertisements).

Sara Sue said...

I resolve to refer to Mike as Spam from now on. AND ... get my hands on some pics of you playing the sax naked!

here today, gone tomorrow said...

I resolve to remain a Yankees fan even though doing that is starting to feel like I'm a Red Sox fan.

moooooog35 said...

Dude...

SO out of mantown for even acknowledging Star Jones...let alone following her "career."

Ah, shit.

I guess I'm out, too.

Mike said...

I resolve not to vote for Mitt Romney this year.

I resolve never to have sex with Ann Coulter again. Last time I did my ass hurt for a week.

Colonel Colonel said...

Malach: Wow, them there's some high aspirations

And I hope to live down to every single one of them.


Buzzardbilly: How could anyone obsess on Star Jones's career less?

Again, I may end up with a problem as less than zero is technically impossible, but I’m going to work on it.

Joey: If you dont learn Farsi, how do you expect to be on the front lines when we invade Iran?

Well, exactly!

TV: I'm gonna stop wearing pants. happy new year Boston sucks

Good call, especially with it being January and all. I tried it last year, and used it as an excuse as to why I couldn’t shovel the driveway. It took me a solid month to thaw out my, um, “things”. Happy New Year! Yankees suck!

DINNERS: I will remain sober on all days with a 'z' in them.

A noble goal, indeed!

Sirdar: Is is still legal in the US to call your president a Moron?

Not technically, but I’m counting on the fact that he can’t spell.

Mike: I resolve to wear my underwear on the inside of my pants more often.

But it looked so good on your head.

Mike: I resolve not to wear ribbons in my hair anymore.

No ribbons, no underwear, what will you put up there?

A Girl, A Boy, and Me: I'll resolve to have sex this year. Yeah, everyone needs a resolution they aren't going to keep. :P

Welcome to MMB! Since you’re new here and all, I’ll just gently tell you that this is a family blog, so we don’t use words like “sex”. Please, in the future just say “Fuck”.

Mike: 1 resolve to investigate the "real" meaning of the term bladder control.

Why? Do you know something I don’t know?

Reverend Anaglyph: No more liver and onion slushies? WHOA THERE BOY! You might want to start with something achievable then work up to the big 'uns!

I wouldn’t have put that in, except the blender broke when I was making bassnog for the New Year’s party.

NerdGirl: Thanks for starting my 2008 blog surfing off with a chuckle!

You’re welcome. Geez- Mike and me, standing here with our underwear on our heads and people keep snickering. I dunno...

C.Rag: I will hire someone to kill Michael Douglas so I can comfort Catherine all night long.

You’re my new hero!

Mike: I resolve to keep posting more nonsense on your blog until you finally start referring to me as Spam. (The canned meat, not the unsolicited advertisements).

I was away for 24 hours partying and you get a new nickname? Is that fair?

Sara Sue: I resolve to refer to Mike as Spam from now on. AND ... get my hands on some pics of you playing the sax naked!

The pics were shredded by the CIA on the grounds they might endanger National Digestion.

HTGT: I resolve to remain a Yankees fan even though doing that is starting to feel like I'm a Red Sox fan.

You stay loyal! The Yankees are going to need all you loyal Pinstripe fans now that, you know, they suck.

Moooooog35: Dude...SO out of mantown for even acknowledging Star Jones...let alone following her "career." Ah, shit. I guess I'm out, too.

Latte?

Spam: I resolve not to vote for Mitt Romney this year. I resolve never to have sex with Ann Coulter again. Last time I did my ass hurt for a week.

From voting for Mitt or having sex with Coulter? Actually, they probably both feel about the same.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

goddamn right you should fucking curse more.

onions are vile. they smell like hobos. i ate a sammich from panera today and accidently forgot to ask for it without onions and then i picked them off. now my hands smell like i've been petting hobos. come here, smell my finger...

Mike said...

I resolve not to let TM Bird pet me anymore.

Colonel Colonel said...

T-Bird: That's NOT what I smell on your finger...

Spam: That wasn't it either. You are all waaaay ahead of me. I may just go back to sleep until 2009.

anaglyph said...

Bassnog. Mmmmm.

Nearly as good as porknog.