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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Office Sanity-


Many of you have been blogging about office life recently, so I dug out this classic that I found somewhere or other a few years ago.

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN YOUR OFFICE


Pretend to page yourself over the intercom (don't disguise your voice.) This is even more effective if your office is small and does not have a real intercom and you use one of those home karioke machines.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames on the spur of the moment for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names (but never the same one twice). "Is that report done yet, Sparky?" "I'm sorry, the 3rd Quarter figures haven't arrived yet, Chachi."

Send email to all your co-workers telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me on Wednesday, I'll be in the bathroom."

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

At lunchtime sit in the cafeteria and soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

Put mosquito netting up all around your desk.

Arrive for work late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for breakfast, and you're going to be nibbling while you work. Over the next hour consume 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your co-workers refer to you as Zena, Goddess of Fire. This is especially effective if you are a man.

Every time someone asks you for something, ask them if they want fries with it.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about current events. Forward the mail to co-workers and ask them to settle the disagreement.

Replace the "free coffee" pot with a full beer cooler.

Encourage your office mates to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put a garbage can on your desk. Label it "In Box".

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Decorate your desk with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Tell everyone that they're your children (works especially well for anyone under 40).

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the reception room's tropical fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many fish you can catch in your mouth.

Announce that there is free pizza, free donuts etc... in the conference room, and when people arrive, see an empty plate and complain, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the office coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

16 comments:

Preposterous Ponderings said...

LMAO those were great!

Beach Bum said...

Announce that there is free pizza, free donuts etc... in the conference room, and when people arrive, see an empty plate and complain, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Don't have to fake this one at my work. Anything like donuts and pizza are gone in less than ten minutes. And in a big hospital it take more than that to get across it and down to the basement.

Malach the Merciless said...

MMMM,to many ideas for the work week. I am hosting new employee orientation tomorrow . . .

C.Rag said...

How did you get that picture of me?
Rumors...it's the truth!

TED VELVET said...

the last time I worked in an office was in a brokerage firm on wall street in 1986. I was 19 years old. I used to smoke pot with the hot 30 year old married receptionist during lunch and after work and we'd fuck around on her desk. other than that, I couldn't hack the office thing. That's why I now work with alligators.

Mike said...

Now I think I know why the company I work for wanted me to work out of my home.

Colonel Colonel said...

Prepo: I liked 'em too1

Beach Bum: Yeah, pizza lasts about ten seconds here too.

Malach: They may as well learn early.

C.Rag: we have our ways...

TV: alligators. I've wanted to work with alligators ever since visiting GatorLand in Florida at age 12.

Mike: They saw you coming, yes?

Sirdar said...

Sooooo....how many have you tried? :-)

Some of those would be pretty funny. I work in an engineering firm. I don't think all of them would get the humour.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

All very funny. Except the last one; that could get reeeeeeally ugly!

AngryMan said...

I stick raw potatoes up my ass while I'm at work. I've done it during court hearings a few times. I find that when people see that you can do that w/o stopping what you're doing, they decide not to fuck w/you and give you what you want.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Love it. The coffee one in particular. It's cruel and dangerous, but beautiful. As long as no one did it to me...then they would die.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

LOVED IT! i refer to my coworkers by "pet" names too... like 'douchebag allstar" (sometimes i switch it up with "extraordinaire"), or 'skinny sack of pigshit' or most special 'fucking incompetant asshole, high on your own idiocy'. but that last one is kind of long.

Sara Sue said...

I've printed this post out and will be using some of these on my next job interview ... I mean why not let them see the *real me* right off the bat, huh?

Cissy Strutt said...

Awwww, now I wish I worked in an office.

Sara Sue said...

Have I mentioned that I love the latest header on your blog?

Colonel Colonel said...

Sirdar: Well, if I worked in an office I'd try them all.

HTGT: The last one is pretty cruel.

Angryman: A great career awaits.

Bruce: And they'd die quickly.

T-Bird: You could shorten it to "fucktard".

Sara: Honesty is always best.

Cissy: I know, I feel the same way.

Sara: Well, thank you!