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Monday, November 19, 2007

Jesus Does Not Love Your Cellphone


Amy's choir sang Gabriel Faure's Requiem in D Minor yesterday at a local college. Faure's piece is extraordinarily lovely, chromatic and Romantic, and they sang it at a soaring Gothic chapel which was a perfect setting. It was a very nice afternoon.

Howsomever, there were a few interludes during the performance which made me realize that perhaps some members of the rest of the audience could use a few helpful tidbits of advice regarding concert-going. So, being a helpful sort, I offer them now-

1. Yes, it is cute that your cellphone ringer tune is the William Tell Overture. It blended very nicely with the opening bars of the 'Sanctus'. I hope the next call you get is important enough to make it worthwhile retrieving your cellphone from the toilet in the lavatory, because I swear to God, that's where I'm going to throw it.

2. Jesus may love your squalling baby, but the rest of us LOATHE him. Leave him home next time with a sitter. If he's too young for a sitter, then stay home with him 'till he's old enough. The movies and restaurants and concerts will all still be there next year.

3. At the other side of the age spectrum, I don't care how proud you are of them, sitting at a concert whispering stories about your grandkids back and forth while the performers are singing makes me wish you had drowned them all at birth.

4. To the concert-goers who insist on eating nuts from crinkly foil pouches during the concert- go to the gym instead of a concert. We'll both feel better.

-


On an unrelated musical note, if you're a country music fan and don't yet have a copy of Miranda Lambert's new cd, "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend", buy one immediately. Miranda has it goin' on!

21 comments:

Sara Sue said...

Oh how #3 makes my heart sing ... I have visions of waterboarding dancing through my head!

Phoebe Fay said...

You remember the cone of silence from the Max Smart series? There should be special "Cones of Silence and Shame" that would envelope the rude one and trap them. No one would be able to hear their yammering, and their crimes against concert-going humanity would be spelled out for all to see, providing instruction and edification.

Also, is there anything Amy *doesn't* do? Singing, chain sawing, all-round goddess. She's astounding!

Colonel Colonel said...

Sara: My God, suddenly you have made me realize that there may indeed be instances where waterboarding should not be defined as "torure".

Phoebe: I love the 'Cone of Silence and Shame' idea. It wouldn;t even have to actually work- I could just get some dunce hats made labeled with that title and hand them out...

Amy sometimes sings while chainsawing as well!

here today, gone tomorrow said...

I love Faure's "Requium"; have sung it myself in the past.

I'm quickly losing the ability to keep myself from throttling movie theatre whisperers. They seem to forget they are NOT in their own living rooms! The minute those opening credits start rolling, please shut the hell up!

TED VELVET said...

oh, all the people you see when you don't have your gun with you. I've been at movies or other events where quiet was expected when people spoke or talked on their cell phones I just look them in the eye and with my meanest, I'm going to kick your ass face, say, "Shut the fuck up." I find it works quite well. and they have the balls to call me rude.
As for the singing chick. I hate to disparrage your interests and I'll say this as nicely as possible,but...
country music...mmm, sucks.

Mike said...

I don't know what it is about concerts, but every time I go to one I always get stuck behind the nut that likes to stand up and mouth the words to every song and dance around like I just paid good money to come and see him. Jesus.

I really don't care what Miranda Lambert looks like, but I could just sit and stare at her all day long. She is heaven sent.

Catalyst said...

Why, Colonel, I do believe you're starting to show your age!

Anyway, that's what automatic weapons are made for.

TED VELVET said...

yo, sorry about the country music sucks thing. It ws very rude of me. But country music chicks are too hot to be taken seriously, they need to be more banged up for some authenticity.

Colonel Colonel said...

The Velvet: Yeah, I always get a kick out of rude people saying you are rude when you suggest how fucking rude they are. As for country music, see below.

Mike: Thankfully this concert was devoid of anyone in thre audience trying to sing along with the libretto. Here's how good Miranda is: I loved her before I saw her picture!

Catalyst: Was the clue my constant use of the phrase "back when I was a kid"???

The Velvet: No apologies needed here, please say what you think, however misguided or wrong it is, I don't take it personally. Besides, the BoSox just re-signed Mike Lowell!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Colonel Colonel said...

Oops, HTGT, I missed you there, somehow. I will send you a box of my new "Cone of Silence and Shame" hats to hand out when they come in.

TED VELVET said...

alright then, country music sucks. I didn't want Mike Lowellit didn't make sense, He seems like a good guy, came up with the yankees and all, but he hits 50 points higher at Fenway. If he played at Yankee stadium he'd have a lot of fly balls to left field without that bitch monster to bang doubles off of and homers over. he'll come back to earth this year.

Kerstin said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for these tips for ignorant fools!

You know, as proud as I am of my child and want to scream it from the roof tops, when he plays, that's what I want to hear, the music. Not anything, or anyone else.

Why are these rules so hard to follow? Really, I think I've said it before, have some respect.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i'm pretty sure jesus wouldnt like my new cell phone since i use it to masterbate (it vibrates super strong) and he's all against that.

Colonel Colonel said...

The Velvet: You're completely right that Fenway was made for Mike Lowell, and apparently he figured that out too. OTOH-I would not have wanted to see a Yankee infield with A-Rod, Jeter and Lowell in it, but neither of us will have to deal with such an experiment, so everyone wins.

Kerstin: You will also get a case of the hats to give out.

T-Bird: ok, you've just given me an idea for a new line of cellphones. Did you see the golf club on Phoebe's post about odd toys today? ok, now, imagine that golf club head as a vibrating cellphone...

Somebody, quick, get a patent lawyer!!

AngryMan said...

That chick sounds like she's right up Jedi's alley. Oh wait, it's a chick, not a guy, so he's probably not interested.

Malach the Merciless said...

Your quite Hostile

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Does Jesus love cell phones made from Spam?

Colonel Colonel said...

Angryman: Hey, long time, no see!

Malach: Not at all, just very, very, very irritable. I'm IrritableMan.

PrePonderings: With ketchup, yum yum!

C.Rag said...

Miranda can open her mouth really big.

Colonel Colonel said...

C.Rag: yes, I thought you'd notice that.

Sirdar said...

Glad the concert was good...except for the idiots with the cell phone.