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Wednesday, November 21, 2007

A Turkey of a Quiz


It's almost Turkey Day, and our best wishes for a Happy Turkey Day go out to all our American Friends out there. You foreigners, well, The Decider says if you're not American, you don't count, and it's apparently unPatriotical to question The Decider in Time of War.

I also want to send my best wishes to anyone out there who has to fly anywhere this week (and if you do, why the Hell are you sitting there reading this crap? Get going, you're probably already late!) . So to all our friends who have to fly, I say Bon Chance!, which is Frenchy for "You poor friggin' bastards, better you than me!"

In honor of Turkey Day we're going to hold our First Annual Turkey Day Quiz here at MMB. Unlike a lot of the other stuff you read here, one of the following statements is actually true. Just pick the right one and win our prize!

1. Giant, 12-foot tall carnivorous turkeys roamed the landscape in Prehistoric times, laying waste to Dunkin' Donuts stores. This explains the mystery which has long puzzled scientists, which is why, though they are ubiquitous today, no trace of Dunkin' Donuts appears in the prehistoric fossil record.

2. It was a turkey, behind the Grassy Knoll, that really shot JFK. Oliver Stone covered this fact up in his movie because he is actually one of Them in disguise. Shhh!

3. Farm-bred turkeys are so fat it is physically impossible for them to have sex. Your average adult Tom Turkey is so damned frustrated that it is a real blessing to cut off his head, stick bread up his ass and roast him for twelve hours.

4. All turkeys imported from China are made exclusively of depleted uranium and lead paint.

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um, well, ok, I took the Prize Fund and bought a burger and a six-pack with it last night, but please play anyway. And Happy Turkey Day, everyone!

23 comments:

Pope Benedict XVI said...

Number two, turkey are devil creatures and would enjoy sodomy.

Colonel Colonel said...

Popey: That just gave me a disturbing mental image of Thankgsiving Day Mass.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

happy thanksgiving. i heard that one day turkeys will rule the earth and truss us up one day a year. they will stuff us with funyuns.

Sara Sue said...

Sadly, #3 is true. All those hormones make for a yummy bird(?). Happy Thanksgiving, Colonel & Amy

TED VELVET said...

Neither Tom turkey nor Ted Velvet are gettin' laid after all the shit I eat around this time of year. Can't have... chomp...sex...busy..chomp...eating....

The decider stuffs his turkey with useless documents like the constitushern, genevus contentions and the bill O'rites. happy thanksgiving. Boston Sucks.

Phoebe Fay said...

Turkeys are not of the devil. Tofurkey - THAT's evil beyond belief.

And if number three is the right answer than how do you explain how all the men want to right to nap time after dinner?

Bruce, a work in progress said...

They're not only fat they're stupid. My dad and grandfather owned a turkey farm many years ago and my dad told me they had to put marbles in the water pan to get them to peck in order to find the water.

A very happy Thanksgiving to you.

Hungry Mother said...

I think I better wear latex gloves tomorrow.

Colonel Colonel said...

T-Bird: Turkeys couldn't do much worse ruling the world than we are. Don't tell C.Rag about beng trussed up. Happy Thanksgiving!

Sara: And Happy Thanksgiving back to you1 HormoneTurkey(tm), yummy yummy.

The Velvet: Is that where he hid them? Happy Thankgsiving, Yankees suck!

Phoebe: Tofurkey- ick ick ick. But after dinner is not nap time- it's football time!

Bruce: Happy Thanksgiving! They had a story in the paper about some farmers who are raising old-style breeds of turkeys, which are apparently much smarter. New England is pretty much over-run with wild turkeys these days, and those birds are smarter than many Republicans I know (at least none of them voted for Bush).

Hungry-Mo: Judging by what they probably inject into the birds, the latex may be the most natural part of the meal.

Kerstin said...

According to an article on MSN, Americans gain an average of 7 - 10 lbs between Thanksgiving and New Years. I don't think turkeys are the only ones not having sex....

Colonel Colonel said...

Kerstin: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I so believe number 4!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Colonel Colonel said...

PrePondering: WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!

Sideon said...

Happy Thanksgiving weekend :)

I've moved digs to Wordpress and I have added your linky link, if that's okay.

Be well.

Malach the Merciless said...

I pick three, and I hate turkeys, death to all turkeys

AngryMan said...

Clearly number one. Dunkin Donuts has been around forever and will always be around. DD is like Jesus or something.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

No, clearly number 4. It's all part of China's plan to rule the world.

Happy Thanksgiving, Colonel Colonel.

Mike said...

The great thing about my Chinese grown turkey is that it actually cooks itself. No oven needed. Now that's environmentally friendly.

Happy Thanksgiving Colonel.

Catalyst said...

A friend of mine in Seattle told me yesterday she was having family coming for Thanksgiving and she was cooking prime rib. PRIME RIB??? WTF!!!

BTW, I hope you all will watch ESPN tonight as ASU humbles USC and aims at the Rose Bowl. Or the BSC championship game. Sun Devils rock!!!!!!

Sirdar said...

The answer is #5. "What?", you say? Don't you remember the movie....Short Circuit? That wasn't that a turkey? :-)

Cissy Strutt said...

It's a trick question, and ALL the answers are true! Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

Roll on November 24th - tomorrow! We fervently hope there'll be a reason for giving thanks then. I'll let you know.

Colonel Colonel said...

Sideon: Happy Thanksgiving! I knew you'd moved but have been a sloth at updating links, thanks for reminding me! And thanks for the link!

Malach: WE HAVE A WINNER!

Angryman: WE HAVE A WINNER!

HTGT: Happy Thanksgiving! WE HAVE A WINNER!

Mike: You have found the True Green Turkey! Happy Thanksgiving!

Catalyst: Unhappily, the family ate late and got annoyed when I pulled the tv over to the table.

SIRDAR: WE HAVE A WINNER!

Cissy: WE HAVE A WINNER! And Happy Election Day!

SagaciousHillbilly said...

Colonel, being a poultry farmer myself (100%organic turkeys and chickens) I know that at least #3 is true. Those toms strut around all puffed up and ready to go, but never do.
I suspect the grassy knoll theory of turkendom is true and also the Chinese import theory. . . lead or not, you wouldn't eat em if you knew how they raised those supermarket turkeys.