Hey Willie, Let's Play Two!

This is my 500th MMB post. My God, what was I thinking? I began all this on December 28, 2005, and have yet to write a single sentence that makes sense, an accomplishment that gives me the sort of warm, fuzzy feeling inside that money just can't buy.

But enough about me. It should be obvious to everyone out there in BlogLand that the sort of incomprehensibility that is brought to you on a sporadic semi-regular basis on MMB is not the work of just one person. That's right! Others are to blame! My loyal staff helps. So I thought that this post should be devoted to the folks behind the scenes, the people who loiter toil day and night in the MMB offices, to bring you the finished product. So, without further bullshit ado, I reluctantly proudly present-

THE MMB STAFF:

Name: Trixie VaVoom

Job: Receptionist
Age: 23
Background: Multitalented Trixy has a rich and varied background in the live-performance sector of show business, and has also served as the short-term "personal assistant" to numerous businessmen. Her life's ambition is to pole-dance her way around the world.
Quote: "Get your own damn coffee"

Name: Alexander W. Alexander, III
Job: MMB Research Director
Age: 34
Background: Heir to the Alexander Buttermilk Fortune, Alex earned advanced degrees at Harvard, Yale and MIT by the age of 24 before “rethinking” his life and taking a 7-year sabbatical playing steel guitar at various bars in the Caribbean and working as a freelance pot smuggler and rum taster. During his stay in the islands, Alex says his mind was opened and he realized many important things about the way the world really works. Fleeing the giant, hairless Masonic spiders from the Orion Nebula who secretly rule Earth, Alex landed under the porch here at MMB one cold winter morning smelling strongly of rum and incense, and now directs our Research Department.
Quote: "THEY don’t want you to know who THEY are or WHAT they're doing!"

Name: Happy, Harpo & Llewellyn
Job: MMB Staff Writers
Age: 5-7
Background: Happy, Harpo and Llewellyn were the lead writers on most Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone movies, but decided to quit the Hollywood grind after writing “Rocky XXVII: He’s Back, and Now He’s REALLY Pissed”.
Quote: "We’ll work for peanuts, but we prefer bourbon"

Name: Patrick “Trashcan” Shillelagh
Job: Head of MMB Security
Age: ?
Background: Though obviously well-trained in the use of a wide variety of weaponry, little is known of “Trashcan’s” background and most of us are quite frankly afraid to ask.
Quote: "Call me ‘Kitty’ and die, fuckwad!"

Name: Colonel Colonel
Job: Figurehead
Age: 45
Background: Sealed by the courts.
Quote: "Very funny, now where the Hell are my clothes?"

OTHER MMB STAFFERS:

The MMB Glee Club

The MMB Gay Penguin Strike Brigade

This is our handyman, Max Salzberg and his family. They live in the loft over the MMB garage. They're a little odd, but Max is a nice, quiet guy, so we don't ask too many questions.

PAST STAFF:

"Georgie B". Georgie B. served as office boy at MMB for about five years, and even though he struggled with the job, his goofy demeanor and complete lack of intelligence endeared him to almost everyone here. He was also a blast at the office Halloween Party, as you can see from this photo. Nobody has heard from him in almost eight years, and anyone out there with information as to his whereabouts is urged to contact Trixie VaVoom.

"Dik". Dik (no last name known) was in charge of office security before we had to fire him for beating up three Laotian nuns. Dik was a dick. We don't really care where he went. He's probably in jail in Honduras or someplace by now. Good riddance.

-

Well, there you have it, these are the folks who have all come together to bring you the last 500 posts here at MMB! With their help, and another few cases of beer, I'm sure we'll be good for another 500. Thank you all for coming today, there are refreshments in the lobby.

Office Sanity-

Many of you have been blogging about office life recently, so I dug out this classic that I found somewhere or other a few years ago.

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN YOUR OFFICE

Pretend to page yourself over the intercom (don't disguise your voice.) This is even more effective if your office is small and does not have a real intercom and you use one of those home karioke machines.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames on the spur of the moment for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names (but never the same one twice). "Is that report done yet, Sparky?" "I'm sorry, the 3rd Quarter figures haven't arrived yet, Chachi."

Send email to all your co-workers telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me on Wednesday, I'll be in the bathroom."

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

At lunchtime sit in the cafeteria and soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

Put mosquito netting up all around your desk.

Arrive for work late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for breakfast, and you're going to be nibbling while you work. Over the next hour consume 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your co-workers refer to you as Zena, Goddess of Fire. This is especially effective if you are a man.

Every time someone asks you for something, ask them if they want fries with it.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about current events. Forward the mail to co-workers and ask them to settle the disagreement.

Replace the "free coffee" pot with a full beer cooler.

Encourage your office mates to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put a garbage can on your desk. Label it "In Box".

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Decorate your desk with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Tell everyone that they're your children (works especially well for anyone under 40).

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the reception room's tropical fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many fish you can catch in your mouth.

Announce that there is free pizza, free donuts etc... in the conference room, and when people arrive, see an empty plate and complain, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the office coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.