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Wednesday, November 07, 2007

It Must be True, I Saw it in-

UPDATE: Please go and see our Third Option Media friends new video they just released for Monster.com. It's funny!! It ROCKS!!!!

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As we all know by now, the Hollywood writers are out on strike. Somebody sent this list to me a few years ago, and it seems appropriate today. So let's take a moment to reflect upon-

Absolute Truths We Learned From the Movies:

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York are within the price range of most people, whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one out of every pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut.

4. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

5. If you are blonde and pretty, it's possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at age 22.

6. Radiation causes interesting mutations, not to your future children, but to you, right then and there.

7. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

8. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

9. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will soon be thrown through it.

10. Most dogs are immortal.

11. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

12. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say "Enter password now".

13. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15. All grocery bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.

16. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

17. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

19. Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before retirement.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts; your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

21. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

22. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone else on the street will know all the steps.

23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

24. All roads in Washington, D.C. pass both the White House and Washington Monument at least once.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their opposite.

27. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

31 comments:

Mike said...

You know, after reading this, I am kind of glad that the writers are on strike. Maybe they should just go out and hire a bunch of new ones with some new, fresh ideas.

TED VELVET said...

you forgot, when evading the police the person sitting directly across from you on public transportation will have today's paper with your fugitive picture on the cover and then peer out from behind the paper with a suspicious glance forcing you to flee bus, subway,airplane,zeppelin what have you. you also forgot fat guys will always have hot wives that put up with their crazy fat man hijinxs- oh wait, that's TV.

Phoebe Fay said...

If you're a superhero or the fate of the universe hangs in the balance, your mortal enemy will always turn out to be either a close family member or your best friend from high school.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i think it's neccessary to visit a strip club whether in a movie or not.

you also forgot that if it's a doctor movie/show that if you say "stat" enough and pound on a person's chest with your fist it is possible to save them.

Colonel Colonel said...

Mike: Fresh ideas? "Fresh ideas"? It's an interesting phrase. What's it mean?

TV, Phoebe, & T-Bird: Good points all! I hope others can add to the list.

TED VELVET said...

roger ebert once said, if there's a fruit cart in a movie, you know within seconds a car is gonna smash through it.

TED VELVET said...

oh, I also forgot, the youngest sibling in every movie will always be a sass talkin' wise guy who the parents never just smack in the fucking head.

Malach the Merciless said...

BRILLIANT!

Bruce, a work in progress said...

My God! Should I cut the red wire or the green wire? Oh crap, that's right, I'm color blind.

Also the truism that when fleeing a homocidal maniac (usually through the woods) the force of gravity becomes triple it's normal strength when acting on humans with two X chromosomes thereby causing them to fall down repeatedly thus hampering her escape.

Kerstin said...

Ha! That's hysterical.

I always love how no one feels the need to turn on a light when investigating strange noises.

moooooog35 said...

If you're a plumber or pizza delivery man, you will have sex with the woman who's sink you're fixing or delivering pizza to, respectively.

...wait...that's porn.

Does that count in this post?

Colonel Colonel said...

Y'all are my heroes.

Keep writing!!

TED VELVET said...

whenever a person is warned specifically not to do something or all hell will break loose, they will, every time, inexplicably, out of stupidity or curiosity do the thing they were told not to do. Then the monster wakes up or the dam breaks or the ancient Mayan curse is unleashed or whatever.

anaglyph said...

•No matter what your income, your New York apartment will always be fantastic.

•Homing devices always beep (it's not like they need to stay undetected or anything...)

•Air-conditioning ducts are always big enough to crawl through.

•Cars start first time, every time, except if you need to escape from a crazed killer.

•Things that happen on computer screens always make noises.

•There are special L-shaped sheets for naked men and women in bed.

•If you happen to get saturated in a rainstorm, a quick towel-dry will get your hair & makeup looking like it did before the rain started.

•If lost in the woods/an abandoned house/an industrial complex with friends, the best strategy is always to split up.

Oh someone stop me!

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Old people don't exist in the movies.

C.Rag said...

TV is my gospel.

Sara Sue said...

Here today, gone tomorrow stole my comment.

Colonel Colonel said...

-In the city there's always a parking space in front of the building you are going to.

-The headquarters of the villians are always filled with some sort of combustible 'villian gas' which makes them explode in a series of massive fireballs directly behind the hero as he escapes.

-Horses never poop.

TED VELVET said...

single women almost always have a very non threatening, non sexual, gay male friend

Colonel Colonel said...

It only rains when something bad has just happened.

Kaytie M. Lee said...

If you have vital information to pass on to the protagonist, you will die with the words on your lips.

Jetlag doesn't exist.

If you're on an adventure in a third world country, you will find the one UK-educated man to translate for you, and he won't resent you for swooping in and saving the day after all the years he has toiled to do the same thing.

A guard's boredom will provide an egress into the stronghold.




This is fun!

matchchatter said...

If a happy couple is pictured within the fist 5 minutes of a movie then, very definitely that girlfriend will probably end......................

THIS COMMENT CANNOT BE FINISHED BECAUSE THE WRITER HAS JUST GONE ON STRIKE

Preposterous Ponderings said...

OMG ha ha ha ha all of those are so fucking true!

here today, gone tomorrow said...

The security guard is always a kindly middle-aged guy you'll vaguely regret seeing killed in the first 15 minutes.

Colonel Colonel said...

It's surprisingly easy to disguise a stunningly beautiful woman- all you have to do is comb her hair straight and put a pair of glasses on her and everyone will think she's plain and not give her a second look.

Cuz I'm the princess, thats why! said...

HAHAHA Thanks for the laughs everyone the blog and comments were so funny and entertaining!

Beach Bum said...

In movies and TV automatic weapons never jam no matter how much they have been fired.

TED VELVET said...

last one from me, when trying to escape in a car that doesn't belong to the people being chased, the keys are always kept up in the visor, just where I always keep mine

Sirdar said...

Those are pretty funny. They are even more funny because they are so true.

Cash said...

I have movie that will come true.

All Hu-Mans will have their heads on poles.

LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

Colonel Colonel said...

Princess- welcome to MMB, glad you liked that one!

Everyone- thanks for playing along,m that was a hoot!

Cash- Go hump Lassie.