Special Black Friday Edition!

It's BLACK FRIDAY, the BIGGEST SHOPPING DAY OF THE YEAR!, or so I was imformed by several relatives at Thanksgiving yesterday. I was not familiar with the custom, but who am I to turn my back upon Traditional American Values in Time of War?

So, dear readers, today we at MMB have embarked upon a Great Enterprise, Non-Stop Black Friday Coverage, updated throughout the day! I feel all Patriotic just thinking about it.

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7 A.M. Apparently Black Friday begins at 4 a.m., when all the stores open, and if you're not there, in line then, you might as well stay in bed. So, wanting to do it right, we got up at 3, had aquick breakfast, scraped the ice off the car and headed out to the nearest Wal*Mart. I expected it to look something like this-


Imagine my surprise when it looked like this instead-


Ecstatic at our luck at being first there, we made a mad dash into the store, stopping only to kick down the doors (I'd been told this was traditional) and started loading stuff into our carts. The lights weren't on, but we started a bonfire in the Xmas card section, and soon had a dozen carts filled up, which is when the police arrived.

Apparently not all Wal*Marts open at 4 a.m., and not all Wal*Mart store managers have a good sense of humor, at least not when they're gotten up at 5 to mop up the charred remains of their greeting cards display.

Despite this unexpected interruption of our Black Friday activities, we've got a call in to a bail-bondsman and expect to be back on the road shortly. I'll keep you updated!

Um, I need to wash up, anyone got any soap?


11 A.M. Finally out of jail. My cousin's friend Vinny sprung us, free of charge, and he's going to send me on an all-expense paid trip to Turkey as well! All I have to do is pick up a couple of bags of gifts for him at a local motel there and bring them back through customs. Vinny's a champ, and really has the Christmas Spirit!

So, we got back on the road and headed for the next mall. I've got to say, I love the Christmas Shopping Season, it brings back such warm memories. Santa on the street corner smelling of incense and bourbon, bailing my uncle Fred out of jail for drunken driving after his office Xmas party, barfing on Santa's lap after too many Happy Meals, ah, the memories. So when we drove in to the next mall I was ready for a good, All-American Christmas experience. Something like this-


But apparently my relatives were right, and we should have gotten there before 10, because when we went in we found this-


Saddened but not yet discouraged, we decided to take a break and stop at a local roadside etsablishment for some lunchtime "fortification" before journeying on.

I wonder if they serve sherry?

5 P.M.
Oops, sorry, we've been having a fun afternoon at this bar. It's very Christmasy and festive, and there's a woman named Leslie who's giving what she calls "Holiday Quickie Specials" in the bathroom. Santa's even here!

OK, we're gonna get back on the road now. Where the Hell did I leave the car? Did we even drive? What month is it?

HEY, where'd all my credit cards go????


8 P.M. OK, we're bailed out, strung out, vaccinated and back! The third mall we stopped at had some stores with stuff still in them, and we proceeded to go Xymas shopping, and there were some great bargains left, let me tell you!

For almost everyone on my shopping list I got the Ultimate Style-Up-Your-Ass Christmas Gift- monmogrammed toilet paper!!!! Look at the hand-crafted workmanship, and only $3.60 a roll!!!


For a few select friends, I got a bumper sticker that about says it all-


And, for my aunt who worships Martha Stewart as a God and shops nowhere but Macy's, I got the perfect garden ornament-


I think that takes care of my Crispymas shopping! I am honored to have been able to take part in Black Friday, and now I'm heading back to the bar. Gotta find my Santa outfit...