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Friday, November 23, 2007

Special Black Friday Edition!


It's BLACK FRIDAY, the BIGGEST SHOPPING DAY OF THE YEAR!, or so I was imformed by several relatives at Thanksgiving yesterday. I was not familiar with the custom, but who am I to turn my back upon Traditional American Values in Time of War?

So, dear readers, today we at MMB have embarked upon a Great Enterprise, Non-Stop Black Friday Coverage, updated throughout the day! I feel all Patriotic just thinking about it.

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7 A.M. Apparently Black Friday begins at 4 a.m., when all the stores open, and if you're not there, in line then, you might as well stay in bed. So, wanting to do it right, we got up at 3, had aquick breakfast, scraped the ice off the car and headed out to the nearest Wal*Mart. I expected it to look something like this-


Imagine my surprise when it looked like this instead-


Ecstatic at our luck at being first there, we made a mad dash into the store, stopping only to kick down the doors (I'd been told this was traditional) and started loading stuff into our carts. The lights weren't on, but we started a bonfire in the Xmas card section, and soon had a dozen carts filled up, which is when the police arrived.

Apparently not all Wal*Marts open at 4 a.m., and not all Wal*Mart store managers have a good sense of humor, at least not when they're gotten up at 5 to mop up the charred remains of their greeting cards display.

Despite this unexpected interruption of our Black Friday activities, we've got a call in to a bail-bondsman and expect to be back on the road shortly. I'll keep you updated!

Um, I need to wash up, anyone got any soap?


11 A.M. Finally out of jail. My cousin's friend Vinny sprung us, free of charge, and he's going to send me on an all-expense paid trip to Turkey as well! All I have to do is pick up a couple of bags of gifts for him at a local motel there and bring them back through customs. Vinny's a champ, and really has the Christmas Spirit!

So, we got back on the road and headed for the next mall. I've got to say, I love the Christmas Shopping Season, it brings back such warm memories. Santa on the street corner smelling of incense and bourbon, bailing my uncle Fred out of jail for drunken driving after his office Xmas party, barfing on Santa's lap after too many Happy Meals, ah, the memories. So when we drove in to the next mall I was ready for a good, All-American Christmas experience. Something like this-


But apparently my relatives were right, and we should have gotten there before 10, because when we went in we found this-


Saddened but not yet discouraged, we decided to take a break and stop at a local roadside etsablishment for some lunchtime "fortification" before journeying on.

I wonder if they serve sherry?

5 P.M.
Oops, sorry, we've been having a fun afternoon at this bar. It's very Christmasy and festive, and there's a woman named Leslie who's giving what she calls "Holiday Quickie Specials" in the bathroom. Santa's even here!

OK, we're gonna get back on the road now. Where the Hell did I leave the car? Did we even drive? What month is it?

HEY, where'd all my credit cards go????


8 P.M. OK, we're bailed out, strung out, vaccinated and back! The third mall we stopped at had some stores with stuff still in them, and we proceeded to go Xymas shopping, and there were some great bargains left, let me tell you!

For almost everyone on my shopping list I got the Ultimate Style-Up-Your-Ass Christmas Gift- monmogrammed toilet paper!!!! Look at the hand-crafted workmanship, and only $3.60 a roll!!!


For a few select friends, I got a bumper sticker that about says it all-


And, for my aunt who worships Martha Stewart as a God and shops nowhere but Macy's, I got the perfect garden ornament-


I think that takes care of my Crispymas shopping! I am honored to have been able to take part in Black Friday, and now I'm heading back to the bar. Gotta find my Santa outfit...




27 comments:

Preposterous Ponderings said...

LOL you and I used the same riot pictures! Gotta love Google!

It's a madhouse out there that is for sure.I am taking no part in it either!

Malach the Merciless said...

I am going shopping about a hour from now

Sara Sue said...

Sherry ... yeah, they serve her to everyone. She's the bitch of the day.

(How I had xmas and everything it has become)

TED VELVET said...

Ted doesn't Christmas shop. that's what wives are for. keep us informed I've got to know how it all ends.

Colonel Colonel said...

PrePo: A good riot is hard to find, I guess!

Malach: You have my sympathy. Could you pick up some chicken?

Sara: Yes, Sherry, Ginny and Portia, my 3 favorite barmaids.

Ted: New installment soon!

here today, gone tomorrow said...

You're brave. The only store I step into between now and New Year's is the grocery store.

Phoebe Fay said...

And this is different from your typical day how?

Colonel Colonel said...

HTGT- Me too, usually. Well, and the liquor store.

Phoebe: It's November 24th! Well, ok, 23rd actually... that's different!

Catalyst said...

Apparently, Santa is having some Sherry. Or is that Leslie.

Colonel Colonel said...

I believe that's Ginny.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Hey! My wife's name is Leslie.

Sounds like you had quite a day.

AngryMan said...

I don't understand why it's called "Black Friday". It sounds to me like it should be called "Why Do We Waste The Whole Friday Going Shopping Instead of Going on a Long Walk For Much Needed Exercise After Eating So Much Fucking Turkey", but I guess that's not as catchy.

Mike said...

Makes me glad I spent the afternoon surfing the internet for porn.

Colonel Colonel said...

Bruce: It was an interesting day. I'm sure the shaking will subside in a week or two.

Angryman: You'd know why it was called "Black Friday" if you ever ventured out into it...

Mike: Thank God somebody was holding down the fort for the rest of us!

Kerstin said...

I love the holiday. But not that much. I've done black friday only once and that was so I could get $20 bikes at Wal*mart for our adopt a family at work.

Never again. It's just not worth it.

Although, it looks like you had quite a full day.

SagaciousHillbilly said...

I just read that it's called "black" friday because that is a name accountants gave it since it puts them in the black.
Having said that:
How long has this been going on? This year is the first time I've ever heard of it. I remember "day after Thanksgiving" sales, but never the term "black friday."
I usually shop locally. . . my family and friends get a lot of bird houses, pot holders and other cute crafty things the locals make. It makes them so excited.

Sounds like a nice day colonel. Carry on.

SagaciousHillbilly said...

I just read that it's called "black" friday because that is a name accountants gave it since it puts them in the black.
Having said that:
How long has this been going on? This year is the first time I've ever heard of it. I remember "day after Thanksgiving" sales, but never the term "black friday."
I usually shop locally. . . my family and friends get a lot of bird houses, pot holders and other cute crafty things the locals make. It makes them so excited.

Sounds like a nice day colonel. Carry on.

Sara Sue said...

Hey ... you have an award over at Velvet's place!

NerdGirl said...

You are a great story teller! This was a fntastic read!

Cissy Strutt said...

Sounds like a great day. Us, we just brought down the government.

Colonel Colonel said...

Kerstin: It was so full it may last me a decade or two.

S.Hillbilly: In all seriousness, yes, it's called that because, supposedly, that is the day retailers hit profit. I dunno. As a 25 year retailer, if it took me that long to be profitable I'd be living in a box, but whatever they say must be right. I'm sure it took Exxon/Mobil/SaudiArabia/CheneyWorld 'till yesterday to be profitable. Uh huh.

Sara: I just saw that! Happy Days!!! I like The Velvet. He and my aunt are the only Yankees fans who are human-be'ans.

NerdGirl: Well thank you! And thanks for stopping by, please come back. Actually, your blog is about to be added to the blog roll here. If I wasn't lazy, it would already be there. Ah, wait a minute- there it is!

Cissy: I just had a good shopping day- you folks TOPPLED YOUR GOVERNMENT!!!!

Can we all stand up and give our Australian friends a Standing Ovation?

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Sirdar said...

That was a funny post!! Love it.

We don't have Black Friday...we have Boxing Day/Week. I think the US celebrates Boxing Day...right? It is the day after Christmas. =////////////// (that was from my cat walking on the keyboard)

FOUR DINNERS said...

Now that is my kind of shopping trip....

Many years ago I was briefly banned from Sainsburys supermarket when security discovered me fast asleep in the toilet with several empty and unpaid for bottles.

C.Rag said...

I love America & our values.

Colonel Colonel said...

Sirdar: We have a related holiday the day after Christmas. It's called "Exchange & Refund Day".

4-D: Hummph. Sounds like too snooty a place for me.

C.Rag: America2007 was perfectly captured for me by the monogrammed toilet paper. That just said it all.

Parad0x said...

Best. Coverage. Ever.

Did the jail have hot cocoa?

Colonel Colonel said...

ParadOx: It was warm and brown and came in a cup, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't cocoa.