Sunday, September 30, 2007

There were these two cows, see...

Somebody sent this to me about a year ago and I first posted then, but I did not know most of you then, so I'm going to re-run it. This is a new twist on an old joke-

-You have two cows.
-Your neighbor has none.
-You feel guilty for being successful.
-Barbara Streisand sings for you.

-You have two cows.
-Your neighbor has none.

-You have two cows.
-The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
-You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

-You have two cows.
-The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
-You wait in line for hours to get it.
-It is expensive and sour.

-You have two cows.
-You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

-You have two cows.
-Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

-You have two cows.
-You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
-You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
-Your stock goes up.

-You have two cows.
-You go on strike because you want three cows.
-You go to lunch and drink wine.
-Life is good.

-You have two cows.
-You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
-They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
-Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

-You have two cows.
-You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
-Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

-You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
-While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
-You break for lunch.
-Life is good.

-You have two cows.
-You have some vodka.
-You count them and learn you have five cows.
-You have some more vodka.
-You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
-The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

-You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
-You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
-You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

-You have two cows.
-They go into hiding.
-They send radio tapes of their mooing.

-You have two bulls.
-Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

-You have one cow.
-The cow is schizophrenic.
-Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
-The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
-The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
-The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
-The cow dies happy.

-You have a black cow and a brown cow.
-Everyone votes for the best looking one.
-Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
-Some people vote for both.
-Some people vote for neither.
-Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
-Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

-You have millions of cows.
-They make real California cheese.
-Only five speak English.
-Most are illegals.
-Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.


This seems to have started a religious war. Well, let the cow patties fly!


Malach the Merciless said...


Sirdar said...

They probably wouldn't be so funny if there wasn't a hint of truth behind some of them. :-)

Pope Benedict XVI said...

You have inspired De Pope, yes, yes.

Pope Benedict XVI said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joey Polanski said...

If Im a Democrat wif two cows, & Barbra Steisand sings fer me, seems like I suddnly gots a third cow, donit?

Cissy Strutt said...

We've got two cows. There're out the back somewhere. Help yourself & leave the money on top of the fridge. No worries.

Cissy Strutt said...

um - Australian spelling - there're = they're

Preposterous Ponderings said...


That's cow speak for good post.

Colonel Colonel said...

Malach- I thought it was very funny when I first saw it, glad everyone enjoyed it!

Sirdar- You mean it's not true? I know at least the California one is.

De Pope- *shudder*

Joey- But if you're a Democrat you don't care.

Cissy- You can't fool me- I know how far "out back" can be in Australia...

PrePondering- I wonder what bloggers would do if they had two cows?

Mike said...

Great. I think this is a great model for industry. Way better than stupid things like Lean Manufacturing and Six Sigma.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

you REALLY did inspire the pope. you have inspired me to have a cheeseburger for lunch.

Colonel Colonel said...

Mike- I think GM already uses it.

T-Bird- Great, now I'm going to get blamed for the new Global Jihad against cows. But I am proud to have inspired such a delicious lunch choice!

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Toooo funny. And unsettlingly true. I lived in Florida when we were trying to figure out which cow was prettier. I didn't think the ballot was that hard to figure out. Unfortunately when the dust settled we didn't get a pretty cow at all. We didn't even get an ugly one. We ended up with the back end of a horse.

Phoebe Fay said...

Ah good one. And good to see the blogosphere is milking it for all its worth!

Colonel Colonel said...

Bruce- Are you even sure you got that? The back end of a horse at least produces stuff that is good for the garden.

Phoebe- yes, I have a feeling of udder accomplishment.

Sara Sue said...

This is great! Can't wait to get to the Poop's Place and read his spin-off. By the way, bloggers do have Tucows.

Kerstin said...

cow school


Colonel Colonel said...

Sara- Yes, yes, the Poop spun off into Popeville...

Kerstin- Hey, you think being a cow comes naturally?

C.Rag said...

I like big udders too. They're made for groping.

anaglyph said...

I've got one cow and I keep it tied up.

Colonel Colonel said...

C.Rag- And when it comes to groping, The Guvernator is a pro.

Reverend- That's best. There are folks out there trying to grope its udders.

AngryMan said...

Mmmm . . . cows.

Colonel Colonel said...

Angryman- oh sure, it's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye...

Beach Bum said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beach Bum said...

Thankfully, nothing was said about how a South Carolina corporation would work with cows. In some places the cows would be able to sue the rednecks for sexual harassment.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

cow sexual harrassment? ick! and i thought cow tipping was awful...

The Real Mother Hen said...

I saw Pope and Malach made a reference to this... so I checked it out. This is SOOOOO... funny :)
And I'm going to copy this shamelessly :)

Colonel Colonel said...

Beach Bum- I had a few clever rejoinders regarding rednecks, but all of them would have resulted in my inability to travel anywhere south of New Jersey...

T-Bird- Cow tipping or cow-tippling?

Mother Hen- Welcome to MMB! I'm glad you enjoyed it and feel free to copy as much as you want- I copied it from somewhere else a few years ago.


England : "You had a herd of cows now you have none" aka foot and mouth