...

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I'll have a kilo of King, to go, please.



People sometimes ask me what I do all day. They usually do not ask more than once, because I reply that I don't do very much catalog books, and write things like-

"A excellent and important early text on fetishistic turtle-waxing in 17th century Polynesia. Listed in the Herter, Solon and “100 Important Polynesian Books” bibliographies. Burnet 319. A little light wear, endpapers foxed, else a very good copy of an essential book on the subject."

Pathetic Riveting, eh? But cataloging is all about pimping selling the product. However, every once in a while a bookseller will lose it completely have a little fun. Yesterday over on the Biblio list someone came up with this little gem from a British bookseller's catalog-

"A well preserved old turd of a book. Items like this make me angry. Essentially the book is in fine condition with a rock-solid spine. However, what really pinkels me off is that the head and heel of the spine, whose structural integrity could have been preserved with a modicum of care, have given way to gravity, because someone was careless enough to allow this to happen when the book was packed or read. As publishers already handle their books like potatoes and sell them in supermarkets, I wouldn't be surprised if the printed word were sold by the kilo in years to come. "I'll have a pound of sprouts, a bunch of grapes, four Cumberland sausage rings and 24 pages of the latest Stephen King, pleeze"!!!."

well.

After that I think we all need some Audrey Tatou.

21 comments:

Mike said...

Seriously Colonel, 24 pages of the latest Stephen King novel would be way more than most people could possibly want.

Ahhhh...Audrey. What more could a person ask for?

Certainly not 24 pages of Stephen King.

Colonel Colonel said...

Mike- I bet you'd take 24 pages of Stephen King if Audrey was wrapped in it.

Sara Sue said...

"turd of a book"! Priceless! If only he'd worked in a punch bowl somewhere.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

dont lie, you dont "catalog books" all day, you beat off in between the pages and wait till they dry to sell them. oh wait, that's probably what i would do if i was a male bookseller. and looking at audrey tatou.

oh, and when i first saw the title of a 'kilo of king', i thought you meant the book would be hollowed out and filled with cocaine. your explanation made sense as well.

thanks for adding me to the blogroll!

Phoebe Fay said...

"pinkels me off" is a great phrase. It's now my goal to use that in conversation daily.

Colonel Colonel said...

Sara- turds in punchbowls? That sounds like those garage band parties I went to a few decades ago.

T-Bird- Well, we do catalog "art" books from time to time...love those, ahem, "art" books. As to the 'kilo' I have never heard of such a thing, and those were not my books, no matter what the return address or the indictment said.

And you're quite welcome, you're one of several great new bloggers that have appeared recently.

For those wondering how to find good bloggers, look through the comments sections on blogs you already like, and when you see visitors who say interesting things, go check out their blogs. It can expand your horizons a lot.

Colonel Colonel said...

Phoebe- you startled me! Yeah, I love that phrase too. There are lots of ways to use it. You can not only say that you are pinkled off, but tell someone else "Now, don't be getting all pinkled-off with me!"

Colonel Colonel said...

Or, perhaps, simply the utter the command-

"Oh, go pinkle off!"

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Sadly,I feel alot like some of those old books because I haven't been handled with care and gravity has taken a toll on my binding.

Malach the Merciless said...

I am looking for a 16th Century book on turds, how ironic

Pope Benedict XVI said...

If by a Kilo of King, you mean Christ the King.

Colonel Colonel said...

PrePondering- in bookseller parlance you are a bit warped, with lightly rubbed tips and some evidence of gentle handling.

Malach- Well, we have a book about 16th century privies...

Interestingly enough [CC says as everyone dives for cover] petrified dinosaur dung is quite collectible (and, sliced into thin sheets, often quite beautiful as far as, you know, fossilized crap goes), and of course prehistoric mammoth dung is now thawing and helping Global Warming.

Popesy- What Would Jesus Smoke?

Kerstin said...

"pinkels me off" That's a keeper.

Colonel Colonel said...

Kerstin- It will come in handy. I once wrote on an email list that I was "pissed off" about something or other, and actually got a private note from some asshole, er, some upstanding individual, telling me that "profanity" was not necessary.

That really pinkled me off.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

I think whoever was so pinkled off about that well preserved old turd of a book also very badly needs a little Audrey.

Beach Bum said...

"A excellent and important early text on fetishistic turtle-waxing in 17th century Polynesia...."

Had a buddy from Guam in the army who did have a few strange habits about animals and kept wax in the barracks. But I didn't ask and he didn't tell.

AngryMan said...

You could get around this by self-publishing every book ever made. Are you up for the challenge?

Colonel Colonel said...

HTGT- I think everyone needs a little Audrey.

Beach Bum- And people think I make these things up- Hah! Everything you read here is 100% true. Well, 90%. Well, 60%.

...depending, of course, on how strictly you define "true".

Colonel Colonel said...

Angryman- sorry, didn't see you swigging coffee in the corner. There are actually some folks doing that- Print on Demand, or POD books.

They look like Pod books, too. Gods and Phoebe may have a thing or two to add to that.

Sirdar said...

That other guy has some good adjectives but your description is good too. I do a lot of work process reading and now writing. At least you get some different books to write about. Mine are more technical, and trust me, not that exciting. But the pay is good :-)

Colonel Colonel said...

Sirdar- thanks! I've been doing it about 20 years, and I do have fun with a lot of the material, because it can be very interesting to research the story behind the books and their authors to find that hook that will sell it. Some of the things I have post here- Father Himalaya, the Queen's Necklace, etc., are actually based on book descriptions I wrote, and are mostly collected under Wayback Machine. It all keeps me amused and off the streets.