Monday, September 03, 2007

And they spit-

We spent the day at the Three County Fair in Northampton yesterday with some friends, and I got the shock of my life.

The place was literally lousy with llamas!

No, no, not that kind of lama, this kind-

Back in my 4-H days there was always a good selection of critters at these fairs, and this one had cows, sheep, chickens and rabbits, but no pigs, goats, ducks or horses. What they did have was about 5,000 llamas.

WTF? I thought llamas ended when everyone decided they had to have a rabid rodent ferret instead.

I'm not even sure what the Hell you do with a llama, aside from trying to keep the shaggy thing deloused clean, which looks like about as pointless an excercise as trying to persuade my NeoCon uncle Fred that Faux News isn't really fair or balanced. But the demolition derby didn't start until 6:30, so we spent a few hours at the llama show. There the "advanced" llamas were taken by their owners around a course that had them jumping over two 18-inch high rails, backing up, walking across a crinkly sheet, standing still while their handler walked around them, going across a tilt-ramp, and finally walking up another ramp, across a bridge, and down two stairs.

Thrilling, eh? This may not sound exactly like bull riding, but the thing about llamas seems to be that you never know exactly where they're going to shit what they're going to do next. Your average llama has the attention span of a fruit fly, the jumpiness of a Republican congressman in a public bathroom, and is only slightly less intelligent than your average toaster oven.

Oh yeah, and when a llama decides it is not going to do something? Forget it. They may not be very big, but they have a low center of gravity and big, camel-toed feet that they plant in the ground as if they were Dik Cheney cemeted there.

And llamas spit.

So the question comes up again, why raise them? Well, they are cute as the dickens, and apparently you can use the hair to make yarn. And, although I could not be absolutely sure, as we were walking out of the arena I thought I heard the announcer, who was enumerating all the good things about llamas, utter the word "nutritious".

LlamaBurgers, anyone?

UPDATE: I have been informed that this post contains some utter bullshit slight inaccuracies. A llocal llama llover informs me that there were only about 100 llamas at the fair, and that llamas are actually quite intelligent.

When I asked "intelligent in comparison to what?" she said "President Bush".

I stand corrected.


Phoebe Fay said...

Llama Lasagna!

Joey Polanski said...

Okay. theres jus sompm dangd unnatural about them things. Look at that brown one in th pitchr. Donit look jus like two guys in a horse-suit? Like th dangd thing aint evn a real crittr. And how come they aint got no head? I mean, alls they got is, like, a neck wit a face onnit!

Colonel Colonel said...

Phoebe- Llamaroni! Llamchops! Llamasickles!!

Joey- They seem to be some sort of odd long-lost hybrid creation that should have been left off the ark. A cross between a giraffe, a camel, and an angora cat.

Colonel Colonel said...

Phoebe- Llamafurters! Llamawiches! Llamawurst! Llambasa!

Just stay away from the Llamaballs...

Malach the Merciless said...

Nice, we don't have Llama yet at the Wesport Fair, here in SouthEastern MA. And oh what the hell, why not

C.Rag said...

The Spanish version!

anaglyph said...

Llamas also make good sheepdogs. It works like this - you plant a llama or two among your flock. The hungry predator comes creeping up, thinks 'Momma.. . lookit that... I won't have to eat for a month!'

But the llamas are mean so they stand their ground (and spit) and the would-be muncher slinks off.

No wait. Don't go away. It's TRUE!!!

Mike said...

I don't like animals that spit. It's just wrong. I think llamas and camels need to removed from the planet as they serve no useful purpose...and they spit.

Colonel Colonel said...

Malach- perfect! I'll be humming that all day.

C.Rag- yeah, you have to watch out for the ones that swim. Swimming and spitting is a bad combination.

Reverend- they did say something about that, but I didn't believe them. I figured, if you spit at a sheep, it's not going to stick around.

Mike- well, camels keep some arabs happy.

Cissy Strutt said...

Let's hear from Ogden Nash.

The one-l lama,
He's a priest.
The two-l llama,
He's a beast.
And I will bet
A silk pajama
There isn't any
Three-l lllama.

Mybrid said...

The word llama in Hebrew means "why." Your post in Hebrew would have been appropriately titled "lama lama?"

Colonel Colonel said...


I hope there are no
three-L llamas,
or I may move to

Mybrid- Cool! Are llamas kosher? Are lamas kosher?

What about Fernado Lamas? (that got Phoebe's attention)

Sara Sue said...

That llama farm in Analglyph's comment was about 10 minutes from where I used to live. The gold country is full of these creatures!

Phoebe Fay said...

I still think they're cute. I want a Dolly Llama!

Cissy Strutt said...

If there was a big fire, it might be a three-alarmer.

Colonel Colonel said...

Sara- Has the Governorator checked that they all have their green cards?

Phoebe- There are evidently llots of llama llovers out there! I will say this- they're llamalicious!


One cute llama,
Two cute llama,
Three cute llama, four!
Five cute llama,
Six cute llama,
all spitting on the floor.

Kaytie M. Lee said...

There was a segment on Sesame Street about a girl and her llama. The song repeated "Me and my llama" over and over again, so of course that's all I can remember about it.

That, and she walked along the streets of NYC to the vet. Makes less sense now. Even Youtube fails me on it.

AngryMan said...

Mmmmm . . . Animal burger.

Colonel Colonel said...

Kaytie- If you ever find that video of a singing girl walking here llama down the street in NYC I'd love to see it. Not if it was in Greenwich Village though- I'll bet they're a dime a dozen down there.

Angryman- yeah, animal parts belong in burgers. Tofu, beans and spinach do not. I'm partial to buffalo burgers myself, but almost anything will do as long as it was once part of an animal and is now ground up- Hell, I'd grill gerbil-lip burgers before I'd get near a TofurkeyBurger.

Sara Sue said...

Here's a little known fact about tofu ... it cures a hangover.

Sirdar said...

LOL Are their Llama's running for president this year? There is an Obama but not sure about Llama's.

Colonel Colonel said...

Sara- Tofu gives me a hangover.

Sirdar- I believe Obama's llama Llana is running.