...

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

George Wants 6, to go-


Our "long weekend" extended 'till Tuesday morning, and then the minute we got home yesterday afternoon I had to turn around and go to a book auction. But it was a nice few days with Amy's aunt and uncle at the Hideaway near the ocean. Over the course of the weekend and the drive home, a few things occurred to me-

If we want to get rid of all the terrorists in Iraq, all we need to do is send a few squads of Massachusetts' SUV drivers over. Your average terrorist would be no match for your average "Masshole"* behind the wheel of an SUV, and the terrorists they didn't flatten or drive off the road would be so traumatized they wouldn't stop running 'till they got to Bangladesh.

While we were away we feasted on fresh, wonderfully prepared fish every night. The drive home yesterday had to be quick since I needed to get to the auction, so we stopped at a Burger King for lunch. Back when I was a kid, the biggest thing on the menu was the Whopper. It was the Ultimate Burger.

Now it’s the eeney teeny sandwich for wimps.

Real Americans evidently require two, three or even four patties stacked on their buns, with cheese and bacon to top it all off.

As I’ve mentioned before here, I love a good burger. I’ve eaten ostrich burgers, and venison burgers, and think that there’s nothing better than a buffalo burger. If it’s a mammal, and you can catch it, grind it up and grill it, I’ll eat it. Your plain old beef burger is great too- we’ve got a couple of diners around here that make superb hamburgers. But the stuff they serve at Burger King may not even be beef. I think those patties are made from the cartons the drinking straws come in.

It’s always been like that though- what’s new is this stacking thing. It’s just weird. The typical American substitution of quantity for quality, with about 300 grams of saturated fat.

That’s not a hamburger, it’s Death on a Bun.

A McCoronary.

And just last night, during the Red Sox game, McDonald’s had an ad for their newest sandwich which was, I swear to God, a couple of patties topped with cheese, bacon and... a deep fried chicken patty.

Um... can we get a few tubs of those for George W. Bush, to go?

Oh yeah, and it's been a few days since we had a picture of Audrey Tatou.




*word stolen from Malach.

27 comments:

C.Rag said...

Buffalo burger are the best. I don't eat a lot of meat, but I do love buffalo burger.

Malach the Merciless said...

Yeah, having vacationed in other New England states, I got Masshole from there. The problem with New Englanders and SUV's is we get bad weather, we think our SUV protect us . . .

Even scarier is the Wendy's Triple, and the KFC Flavor bowl, I did blog on the Flavor Bowl once.

Sara Sue said...

I think the *Masshole* idea is fantastic ... but could we just send a few to D.C. instead? I've never been as scared as I once was in the back seat of a Boston taxi cab. I honestly thought I was going to die.

Nice to have you back CC!

Sara Sue said...

Oh, almost forgot, your girl looks a lot like Audrey Hepburn there.

Phoebe Fay said...

On the ocean with fresh fish every night. Mmmmmm. That's real food.

Burger King? and its fast food allies? We really should just quit pretending it's food. Just call it fast fat and cardboard that will temporarily fill your belly before starting off a vicious cycle of unsatisfied hunger combined with too many calories.

Colonel Colonel said...

C.Rag- I was introduced to buffalo burgers some years ago at a little bbq/burger place on the state highway on the way into Zion National Park. We had buffalo burgers and beer in the middle of a crashing thunderstorm followed by a double rainbow out over the field the buffalo were grazing in.

"I don't eat a lot of meat, but I do love buffalo burger"

and I'm now going to go Google and make sure that "buffalo burger" only means a burger made with ground buffalo...

Malach- is the Flavor Bowl that thing we see on tv where they put fried chicken, mashed potatos, corn and cheese into a bowl and dump gravy on it? Sounds a bit like a scary American version of poutine.

Sara- yes, she does have an Audrey thing going on, doesn't she? Well, you know, nuthin' wrong with that...

As for the drivers, here's my problem- everyone likes to complain about New York drivers and cabbies, but I never have any probloem down there, because they all know more or less what they're doing and where they're going. Up here the roads are all fucked up, nobody knows exactly how to get where they're going, and only about 25% of the drivers (none of them driving cabs) know how to drive to begin with.

And then, as Malach says, it starts to snow, and they all hit the gas.

Colonel Colonel said...

Phoebe- yeah, you're right. The thing that really frightend me was how closrly all the burgers there resembled the mythical Dagwood Sandwich.

It seems like I can't turn around once these days without finding that Life is yet again stranger than any cartoon ever thought of.

Which reminds me- how'd the Petraeus Hearings go?

Mike said...

The best Buffalo burger in the world can be found at the No Name Saloon in Park City Utah. Not much good can ever come out of Utah, but that burger is the best I have ever eaten.

Joey Polanski said...

Id like t thank Audrey Tautou fer th WHOPPR she done givd me.

anaglyph said...

Dammit, will you stop putting Audrey at the end of your posts? I come up with some stunning witty repartee as I read and then there's a picture of Audrey and my mind does a core dump.

Kerstin said...

I was also going to mention Audrey looks a lot like Audrey there...but Miss Sara beat me to it.

As Americans, we're too tough to have to look at pesky little things like suggested serving sizes. Serving sizes are for wimps.

Colonel Colonel said...

Mike- It must have been a secular or Buddhist buffalo. I've heard that those Mormon buffalos in Utah look good, but end up being stringy, tough and disappointing. Sorta like Mitt.

Joey- I keep asking, but Audrey will never let me "have it my way".

Reverend- My apologies, but I am on a mission to bring Audrey to the World.

Kerstin- We went to an Olive Garden or something like that in the suburbs a few years ago with a friend and I was astounded at the "single" portions they were serving- enough to feed a family of 6! There no longer even is a "small" soft drink at McBurgerland- they start at "medium" and work up to "Supersize", which looks like about a gallon- 35,000 calories.

ouch.

Cissy Strutt said...

I'd like to take you all down to Harry's Cafe de Wheels in Woolloomooloo Bay & shout you a pie floater. Yes folks, that's a meat pie floating in green pea soup. My treat. Any time you're in Sydney. Really.

Sirdar said...

I like a good burger too but those at McD's and Burger King...every time I do stop there I keep thinking my veins will become clogged.

Glad you enjoyed your long weekend. Salmon straight out of the sea is the best!!

C.Rag said...

Meat pie floating in green pea soup?

Colonel Colonel said...

Cissy- going to a place named Woolloomooloo Bay would almost make meat pie in pea soup palatable. We have an area on the Cape called Sippiwisset. You just want to go there to be in a place with such a great name.

Sirdar- we don't get many ocean-fresh salmon around here, but freshly caught bluefish is a really good alternative.

C.Rag- they probably spice it with vegemite.

Sara Sue said...

I dunno meat pie in pea soup kinda rings a bell with me.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

I'm a vegetarian. *shrug* But I wanted to throw my two cents in. Audrey is lovely

Cissy Strutt said...

Colonel, C.Rag & Sara Sue: you know you want one.

And Colonel? Don't forget I know your secret - you love Vegemite.

Colonel Colonel said...

Sara- In New York and LA I bet they'd put cilantro on it. I loathe cilantro.

HTGT- I have great respect for vegetarians. I'd be one myself, except for the, you know, not eating meat thing.

Cissy- OK, it's true, I do. A few years ago Kraft experimented with a cheese slice coated in vegemite. I'd do a few packs of those at a time, washed down with some Fosters.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Oh how I'd love to have a good burger right now but I am on a low fat diet due to high cholesterol....oh heck with it,I'm firing up the grill for dinner.I just may live dangerously too and add extra cheese and 4 slices of bacon. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!

Catalyst said...

Buffalo burgers?

Poutine?

Meat pies floating in pea soup?

Vegemite?

Good lord, you people are all crazy. I may have to head over to Carl's Jr. to clog my arteries with a barbecue burger.

Thomas said...

I don't know if Mass. SUV drivers have a chance.

There are far too many stories about Saudi Chevy Caprice drivers during the first gulf war.

Apparently BIG, FAST American cars combined with Missiles and Arabic drivers tend to cause HUGE wrecks.

Yep, scuds and chevys are far more dangerous than a simple Ford Expedition

TV

Mike said...

I don't know how anything floating in Pea soup could be good. Pea soup is just wrong on oh so many levels.

Colonel Colonel said...

PrePondering- Welcome to MMB! One little burger couldn't hurt, could it? And there has to be some cheese on top, and then a strip or two of bacon to keep the cheese company...

Catalyst- Vegemite burger- yum! yum!

Thomas- I believe it. I went to my first demolition derby when we were at the 3-County Fair a few weeks ago. Man, oh man, can those big American cars do some damage! Turns out we know a few folks who work behind the scenes and we found out (too late) that, although the Fair is strictly a "no-alcohol" zone, not only were half the fans hammered on beer they were selling out back, half the drivers were as well. Which explains a lot...

Colonel Colonel said...

Mike- split pea soup is good, but this stuff is green. That is a little odd. I'll bet it's ok if you add enough pepper sauce. Pepper sauce makes everything palatable.

Catalyst said...

Colonel,you've been tagged. Check my blog for details.