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Thursday, September 06, 2007

News Headlines: Sept. 6, 2027

There was an apparent sighting of reclusive Vice-President-for-Life Dick Cheney yesterday. Elmo Gumwater of Tuscadillo, Texas told local television station KBBQ that he saw the elusive Vice President eating pork rinds with Elvis in front of a local 7-11. "Sure I'm sure it was him!" Mr. Gumwater told reporters. "They was singing 'Blue Suede Shoes', and when I yelled 'Hey, there! Mr. Vice-President!' he pulled out a shotgun and emptied both barrels at me!" Experts have only been able to confirm three authenticated sightings of the Vice President in the last six years, and the location of the $300 million Vice Presidential Library remains a State Secret.

Riots continue in major Chinese cities, three days after Walmart's acquisition of the country and the announcement that the Great Wall of China will be renamed The Great Wal*(Mart) of China.

Former Idaho Senator Larry Craig's appeal of his misdemeanor conviction was finally heard by the Supreme Court today. While Chief Justice Hillary Clinton told Craig that she sympathized with his argument that he's "Not Gay!" she told him she didn't find it legally relevant and that he should "get a grip and stop bothering people, because nobody cares. Nobody ever cared".

The sixteenth, seventeenth, eighteenth and nineteenth hurricanes of the season all hit Florida today. Sneezy, Grumpy and Dopey converged on Fort Lauderdale and caused extensive damage, while Hurricane Mickey came ashore near Sarasota. While Disney officials continue to ponder the wisdom of paying $600 million for the naming rights to these destructive storms, President Jenna Bush again declared that Global Warming has nothing to do with the record number of hurricanes. Speaking from the porch of her ranch on the Great Inland Sea (formerly Oklahoma) the President said "Like, what? There's always, like, different weather, right? Anyone want a beer?"

In television news, Fox will roll out Season Six of its popular reality contest "So You Think You Can Sneeze?", which will be paired Thursday nights with Bob Saget's "America's Funniest Keelhauling Videos", and freshman entry "Farting with the Stars", hosted by Howard Stern. Meanwhile, the Peacock network and a former politician will both try to change their fortunes this Fall, when last-place NBC gets togther with America's most hated former-President in a new quiz show called "Are You Smarter Than George W. Bush?".

And Audrey Tatou continues to show up in blogs for no other reason than that she's Audrey Tatou.

17 comments:

Mike said...

The Great Wal*Mart of China? Brilliant!

Jenna Bush as President? Do you now see what a can of worms we are going to be opening when we elect Hillary for Presihag?

Audrey Tatou? Brilliant!

Colonel Colonel said...

Mike- Presihag! For a moment I thought you had written "Presishag". I guess that would be Bill, though.

Every day with Audrey is a good day.

Phoebe Fay said...

Farting With the Stars will probably be showing up on Fox next year, now that you've gone and given them the idea!

And do Bill and Hillary do the presishag anymore?

Sara Sue said...

I just might start watching t.v. again when "Farting With the Stars" becomes a reality.

I think you win for best use of "keelhauling".

Colonel Colonel said...

Phoebe- they do, just not with each other. And I think if two American Presidents ever did the Presishag together, the Universe would explode.

Sara- reviews are already coming in...

'Farting with the Stars' will be a Ripping Good Time! -Joel Siegel

A Gust of Fresh Air! -Washington Post

For once, Howard Stern holds nothing back! -Gene Shallit

Joey Polanski said...

Audrey Tautou aint real.

Theres only Amelie.

Sweeeeeet Amelie!

...

Hang on. Sompm just came up.

Im gonna hafta go handle it.

Malach the Merciless said...

I would SO WIN so you think you can sneeze!

Colonel Colonel said...

Joey- Audrey, Ameilie... all of 'em make me STAND UP at attention. Um, so to speak.

Oh Merciless One- Well, I* think I can drum up a pretty good sneeze too...

*semi-finalist, 2005 SneezLypmics

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Well done. Very well done. Huzzah!

Sirdar said...

LOL That was pretty funny. President Jenna Bush. LOL I think what is so funny is that it could happen!!

And who the heck is Audrey Tatou? time for a Google search...

Colonel Colonel said...

HTGT- Well, thank you!

Sirdar- The scary thing, is that Jenna might do a better job. Could she do a worse job?

AngryMan said...

But was the guy sure that he was sure that he was sure? B/c I'm not so sure he was sure that he was sure.

Colonel Colonel said...

Angryman- he was sure that he was sure, but not certain that he was sure that he was sure. After all, Elvis was there too, and as we all know, Elvis was working in a filling station in West Virginia that week.

Mike said...

Ummm Colonel, where did you go?

anaglyph said...

Oh. Did something happen before Audrey came on with the cute llama sweater?

And hey - are you saying that Larry Craig is gay?

Colonel Colonel said...

Mike- my long weekend extended to Tuesday, but Im back!

Reverend- Who says Larry Craig is gay??

In the Beginning there was Audrey and her llama sweater, and it was good.

Anonymous said...

There's a Farting with the Stars video on YouTube. The channel is benjapathic. check it out!