News Headlines: Sept. 6, 2027

There was an apparent sighting of reclusive Vice-President-for-Life Dick Cheney yesterday. Elmo Gumwater of Tuscadillo, Texas told local television station KBBQ that he saw the elusive Vice President eating pork rinds with Elvis in front of a local 7-11. "Sure I'm sure it was him!" Mr. Gumwater told reporters. "They was singing 'Blue Suede Shoes', and when I yelled 'Hey, there! Mr. Vice-President!' he pulled out a shotgun and emptied both barrels at me!" Experts have only been able to confirm three authenticated sightings of the Vice President in the last six years, and the location of the $300 million Vice Presidential Library remains a State Secret.

Riots continue in major Chinese cities, three days after Walmart's acquisition of the country and the announcement that the Great Wall of China will be renamed The Great Wal*(Mart) of China.

Former Idaho Senator Larry Craig's appeal of his misdemeanor conviction was finally heard by the Supreme Court today. While Chief Justice Hillary Clinton told Craig that she sympathized with his argument that he's "Not Gay!" she told him she didn't find it legally relevant and that he should "get a grip and stop bothering people, because nobody cares. Nobody ever cared".

The sixteenth, seventeenth, eighteenth and nineteenth hurricanes of the season all hit Florida today. Sneezy, Grumpy and Dopey converged on Fort Lauderdale and caused extensive damage, while Hurricane Mickey came ashore near Sarasota. While Disney officials continue to ponder the wisdom of paying $600 million for the naming rights to these destructive storms, President Jenna Bush again declared that Global Warming has nothing to do with the record number of hurricanes. Speaking from the porch of her ranch on the Great Inland Sea (formerly Oklahoma) the President said "Like, what? There's always, like, different weather, right? Anyone want a beer?"

In television news, Fox will roll out Season Six of its popular reality contest "So You Think You Can Sneeze?", which will be paired Thursday nights with Bob Saget's "America's Funniest Keelhauling Videos", and freshman entry "Farting with the Stars", hosted by Howard Stern. Meanwhile, the Peacock network and a former politician will both try to change their fortunes this Fall, when last-place NBC gets togther with America's most hated former-President in a new quiz show called "Are You Smarter Than George W. Bush?".

And Audrey Tatou continues to show up in blogs for no other reason than that she's Audrey Tatou.