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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

We Thought It Was a Good Idea at the Time-


Here at MMB Productions, we're not only about napping Blogging. We also develop and sell a wide range of crap consumer products that nobody needs make people's lives easier. Every once in a while though a product doesn't catch on with its intended market. So, in order to comply with the most recent court order in the spirit of candor, I wanted to tell you about a few of our most recent fuck ups near misses-

The Bathtub Toaster - A truly wonderful time-saver for those who have to shower, eat and hit the road fast in the morning. Unfortunately the prototype had some bugs which proved too complicated for its' inventor, the late Seymour McGlubber.

Dehydrated Water - A real boon for the hiker or camper, we thought our plastic bags of dehydrated water ("To re-hydrate, just add water") were clever and handy, but the Massachusetts Attorney General ruled that they were "consumer fraud".

Perpetual Glow-in-the-Dark Depleted Uranium Press-On Nails - As advertised, these novelty fingernails will glow in the dark forever. Unfortunately, after only a week 9 out of 10 users found that all their fingers had fallen off.

and from our Toy Department-

Tiny Tot's First Hand Grenade - Loads of fun and surprises for the whole family, and the pets. I was never quite sure why this didn't sell well.

Lawn Napalm - Again, it seemed like a good idea at the time, as a fun activity to replace those nifty Lawn Darts the government won't let us sell anymore.

The Holy Ghost Backyard Crucifixion Game - A very realistic toy meant for the Fundamentalist Religious market. A spate of rather unfortunate incidents and unfair negative publicity forced us to withdraw this fine product. On the positive side, sales of our Nurse Nancy Bloody Stump Stitch & Bandage Kit soared through the roof during the period the Holy ghost games were available.

Peter's Party Prophylactic Grab Bag - A fun and totally responsible product aimed at the teen market. Unfortunately the legislatures in 49 states (and the Commonwealths of Puerto Rico and Guam) have sticks up their butts the size of telephone poles. That just means more fun for the kids in Mississippi, I guess.

Angry Abdul the Suicide Bomber Halloween Costume
- I want to make this perfectly clear- the plastic "explosives" supplied with this costume were supposed to be Play-Doh. We really cannot be blamed when our manufacturer in Mexico screws up. Actually our lawyers would prefer I not discuss this at all while the lawsuits are still pending. I'll just say this though- there are a lot of whiners in the world today, and Halloween was never meant for sissies.

16 comments:

Phoebe Fay said...

Lawn Darts were awesome! And, really good for making stigmata. Who needs a special kit for playing crucifixion? Just get the lawn darts and the leftover wood from dad's last construction project, and you are good to go!

Parents today are a bunch of safety-nazi wusses. When my mom threw me outside to play with my older brothers, her only guidelines were "don't maim her."

Colonel Colonel said...

Well, I agree with you 100%, but the moment the lawyers start throwing around phrases like "class action lawsuit" and "criminal negligence" our Board of Directors goes all loose-boweled on me.

Pussies.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

watch out for the nut hair trimmer/ potato peeler combo

Mike said...

Ummm yeah Tequila. Now you tell me. (He says with an unmanly like high pitched voice).

Malach the Merciless said...

Send me a box of all of that stuff, put it on my bill

Malicious Intent said...

Man, between this post and the last one...just wondering...did you guys get audited or something evil like that?

The Manic Street Preacher said...

Could I purchase a bath tub toaster for my mother?

I'd push the old bat down the stairs but she lives in a bungalow....

Colonel Colonel said...

T-Bird: Ack! too late!! OUCH.

Mike: You'll love our new product- "Woody Willy, The Instant Satisfier!" I've got T-Bird and C.Rag testing the models, but they keep refusing to send them back...

Malach: we send everything COD since we introduced the "People's Temple Instant Nirvana Kit".

MI: What?? You don't like Lawn Napalm? The public gave up waaaay too soon on that one. Among its' other qualities, se it once or twice and the crabgrass NEVER grows back.

Preacher: Damn that single-level construction! There ought to be a law...

Beach Bum said...

While the were not quite grenades some of the fireworks they use to sell here in SC in the 70's had a pretty big bang and did take some fingers and parts of hands off of a bunch of kids.

AngryMan said...

I use lawn napalm regularly. It is some amazing product, I'll tell you. My grass is surprisingly resilient, though.

C.Rag said...

Diesel powered dildo or the hippies out there hybrid powered dildo.

Hungry Mother said...

I'd like to order a couple of the Tiny Tots First Hand Grenade for my grandsons. It'll be a good way to teach them about coordination and timing. Can you disguise it as a GI Joe?

anaglyph said...

Dear MMB,

Please send me 1 x Holy Ghost Backyard Crucifixion Game. My neighbourhood is overflowing with zealots and I am in desperate need of a way to curb their enthusiasm.

PS - I am worried about the possibility of creating martyrs with your game. How do I avoid this?

Colonel Colonel said...

Beach: It's true; we would never sell something dangerous like fireworks.

Angryman: You might want to use our new Industrial Strength Lawn Napalm(tm) NOW with Agent Orange!

C.Rag: The solar-powered dildo never quite took off, though three did spontaneously combust. We are having a Clearance on fitted crib sheets this week, though.

HungryMo: it's so sweet to see a grandad taking an active part in educating the grandkids. You might think about ordering our new GUNG HO! Party Pack, which comes with four Tiny Tot Grenades, Baby's First Uzi, and a six-pack of our new Tiny Toddler's Claymore Mines.

Reverend: If you're having problems with martyrs, you're leaving them up too long. The instructions clearly state that for best results you should never let somebody crucify for more than 18 hours, 12 hours in the Summertime.

AngryMan said...

I like oranges.

pissed off patricia said...

With the neighbor I have, all these things sound so tempting. Are they cheaper by the dozen?