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Friday, May 23, 2008

Freaky Friday-

Time to wander down into the Joke Cellar and pick out a few for the long holiday weekend-


If you haven't heard of the Bulwer-Lytton Contest, it's a yearly competition to write the worst opening sentence for a book anyone can imagine. Here are some past entries-

10) As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it.

9) Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.

8) With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.

7) Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.

6) Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.

5) Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store.

4) Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.

3) Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.

2) Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word fear, a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.

1) The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, she screamed madly, "You lied!"

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You think you have a bad office? Here are some Actual(???) Employee Evaluations-

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

"A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"He's been working with glue too much."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

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You may have seen this, but it's always worth watching again-



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Have a great weekend, everyone!

17 comments:

AngryMan said...

I just found some authors who need an editor!

Mrs. Chili said...

The swear jar is actually bookmarked on my iPhone. I just wish I could find an unbleeped version. "would the owner of a white station wagon please go f**k yourself?" The look on the guy's face is great - and when the girl looses it at the copier? Beautiful!

Hungry Mother said...

I love those opening sentences, but some authors never learn.

Beach Bum said...

) The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess....

To be honest I liked this one and laughed out loud after reading it even though I've seen it before.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Happy Happy Joy Joy 3-Day Weekend!

Catalyst said...

Have a fine f---ing weekend, Colonel! Oops, sending a quarter by Fed-Ex.

Malach the Merciless said...

Funny nerd humor and nerds, lookit the nerd laugh

Mike said...

I love the employee evaluations. My old boss once said of someone "He's slow, but he does poor work."

It wasn't mean, honestly.

nerdgirlsspace said...

OMFG! totoooooo tooo toooo funny.

C.Rag said...

HAHA! I'm glad no one can film my office. It would just bring tears no laughter.

Sara Sue said...

I can't stop laughing at the Bulwer-Lytton Contest entries! Beautiful, just beautiful!

Sara Sue said...

I can't stop laughing at the Bulwer-Lytton Contest entries! Beautiful, just beautiful!

Sara Sue said...

GAHHH!! Blogger still sucks!

The Manic Street Preacher said...

A sated amphibian eh? I like it. Well I don't mean I like sex with amphibians I mean....oh sod it...

Colonel Colonel said...

Everyone- AAACK! Away for the weekend!! Back tomorrow with new stuff...

pissed off patricia said...

Having not been around on the net for a few days I am just now reading your post. You have no idea how much I owe you for making me laugh, especially today.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

grand opening line of book:

"When Joseph Taintmeyer looked for his unbrella, he found the rain had taken it, taken it to the same place it did his dad when he left young joseph for a pack of ciggarettes.."