My oh my oh... you've probably all heard by now that America's cutest cook, Rachel Ray, has been outed by UberPatriot Michelle Malkin as a Jihadist Terrorist. This may be how we all think of Rachel-
But this is how she appeared in a recent Dunkin' Donuts commercial that has now been pulled-
Shocking, yes? Sure, I hear you say, it's just a paisley scarf, but we all know what paisley leads to-
ANOTHER 9-11!!!
I want to personally thank Michelle Malkin for stopping sniffing glue for long enough to alert us to this insidious and evil attempt to subvert our donuts.
Time to wander down into the Joke Cellar and pick out a few for the long holiday weekend-
If you haven't heard of the Bulwer-Lytton Contest, it's a yearly competition to write the worst opening sentence for a book anyone can imagine. Here are some past entries-
10) As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it.
9) Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.
8) With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.
7) Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.
6) Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.
5) Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store.
4) Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.
3) Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.
2) Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word fear, a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
1) The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, she screamed madly, "You lied!"
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You think you have a bad office? Here are some Actual(???) Employee Evaluations-
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
"A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
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You may have seen this, but it's always worth watching again-
Gotta say, Ted Kennedy has always been one of my heroes...
The Boston Globe Surprise in this stealth Kennedy threat By Peter Canellos Globe Staff / May 20, 2008
WASHINGTON -- News about the Kennedys has so often come in shocking bursts, such as plane crashes and gunfire, that yesterday's revelation that the senior senator from Massachusetts is suffering from a deadly illness had a quiet poignancy all its own.
Days when Democrats worried that an assassin might try to remove the last Kennedy brother have long since receded, and Ted Kennedy carries a new image as the Senate's indefatigable warrior. So it was a surprise that something as ordinary as cancer would be what slows down Kennedy's relentless drive to promote liberal causes, build coalitions, and pass legislation.
And yet, as many grimly noted, Kennedy is 76 and brain cancer is often deadly. So there was profound sadness throughout the Capitol. Democratic senators gathering for their weekly policy lunch said a prayer. Republicans at their weekly lunch described a deep feeling of sorrow.
Many spoke of how Kennedy's 46-year career has helped define the Senate.
"His life diverged from his brothers and he's become a kind of stalwart -- a symbol of a type of liberalism that really dates back to FDR," said University of New Hampshire historian Ellen Fitzpatrick, describing Kennedy's philosophy as "a vigorous commitment to use the levers of government to help people."
But, as Fitzpatrick noted, Kennedy's importance to national politics is far more than symbolic, and his illness comes at a moment when his centrality to the legislative process has never been more apparent.
Kennedy long ago mastered the trick of remaining effective in the Senate even when his party was in the minority -- allowing him to advance such issues as arms control, opposition to South African apartheid, and increased funding of education programs even at times when his fellow Democrats were at their lowest ebb.
And yet the Democrats' return to the majority in both houses of Congress last January gave a special boost to Kennedy, who immediately passed his top priority -- an increase in the minimum wage. He also worked with President Bush and Senator John McCain to craft an immigration bill that combined punishment with a guest-worker program and path to citizenship for illegal immigrants.
That bill ran into a solid bloc of conservative opposition in the Senate, as did another of Kennedy's key initiatives -- a major expansion of aid for children's health. But his agenda only expanded as he performed the hard work of recruiting Republican co-sponsors to help advance his priorities.
"He just has such skill in bringing disparate elements of the Senate together on important public-policy questions," said William Carrick, a California political consultant who worked for Kennedy in the 1980s. "He is unique in that regard. He has incredible skill and charm."
In recent months, Kennedy has been especially energetic, maintaining a busy speaking schedule while jetting home every week to Massachusetts. In addition, he hit the presidential campaign trail with vigor, including a week-long blitz before Super Tuesday that many believe helped Kennedy's candidate, Illinois Senator Barack Obama, hold the favored Hillary Clinton to a draw on the day when 24 states went to the polls.
From there, Obama went on to win 11 straight contests and take a lead in elected delegates that he has not relinquished.
"When we get some distance from the campaign and look back on it, Senator Kennedy's endorsement made a lot of people more comfortable voting for Obama," said Carrick. "Kennedy gave tremendous validation to Obama's campaign at a critical time."
Implicit in the endorsement, of course, was the idea that Kennedy would provide legislative guidance -- and muscle -- to an Obama Administration, should one materialize.
An Obama presidency would provide yet another opportunity for Kennedy to advance his lifelong goal of national health insurance. There have been many junctures at which Kennedy has pushed ahead with plans for a single-payer style system, only to be thwarted. Lately, however, he's embraced the idea that progress on health care can be made incrementally, with less disruption to the current system.
Kennedy's ability to maintain a sense of idealism in setting goals, and realism in achieving them, would be crucial to Obama, should he become president, according to Carrick, Fitzpatrick, and many others.
Now, as he is undergoing further tests in Massachusetts General Hospital -- an institution he has done much to fund over the years -- and prepares to battle a disease for which he has done more than any other legislator to fight, Kennedy and his legacy are on the minds of one and all in Washington.
"I think you can argue that I would not be sitting here as a presidential candidate had it not been for some of the battles that Ted Kennedy has fought," said Obama, appearing on CNN. "So not only is he a personal friend, not only has been one of my most important supporters during the course of this campaign. But he is somebody who battled for voting rights and civil rights when I was a child.
Recent advances in web-based optics and simul-server side internet applications have brought about the development of reverse-optic digital cameras that allow us to quite literally turn a portion of somebody's else's computer screen into a camera! This technology was first developed for the CIA1, but now that the per-unit cost has been radically reduced, we are able to make this technology useful for everyday tasks2. Since we here at MMB know squat books, we decided to develop a new book appraisal service. Using the camera portal below, our crack staff at MMB can actually see your book when you hold it up to the screen, and can give you an instant evaluation of its value!
Just hold your book up to the black web-cam portal below for 15 seconds and then press the "Evaluate" button. For best results turn the book slowly to show the entire cover and spine, and then open the book so we can scan the title page. Do as many as you like!
1 Oh, who are we kidding. We got it from a UFO.
2 We're secretly installing one in Jessica Alba's computer screen as I write this.
I don't really care what your political views are, as long as you have an intelligent reason to hold them. The thing that really frags my ass about the political scene these days is the substitution of stupidity for rational thought, and the irresponsible promotion of stupidity by certain national news outlets (now I didn't say Fox, did I? I'm playing nice). Actually, in this case it's a right-wing radio airhead, I mean talk show host, whose apparent approach to punditry is to repeat the same word over and over, even if he has no idea whatsoever what it means. heck, he could be President...
Here at MMB Productions, we're not only about napping Blogging. We also develop and sell a wide range of crap consumer products that nobody needs make people's lives easier. Every once in a while though a product doesn't catch on with its intended market. So, in order to comply with the most recent court order in the spirit of candor, I wanted to tell you about a few of our most recent fuck ups near misses-
The Bathtub Toaster - A truly wonderful time-saver for those who have to shower, eat and hit the road fast in the morning. Unfortunately the prototype had some bugs which proved too complicated for its' inventor, the late Seymour McGlubber.
Dehydrated Water - A real boon for the hiker or camper, we thought our plastic bags of dehydrated water ("To re-hydrate, just add water") were clever and handy, but the Massachusetts Attorney General ruled that they were "consumer fraud".
Perpetual Glow-in-the-Dark Depleted Uranium Press-On Nails - As advertised, these novelty fingernails will glow in the dark forever. Unfortunately, after only a week 9 out of 10 users found that all their fingers had fallen off.
and from our Toy Department-
Tiny Tot's First Hand Grenade - Loads of fun and surprises for the whole family, and the pets. I was never quite sure why this didn't sell well.
Lawn Napalm - Again, it seemed like a good idea at the time, as a fun activity to replace those nifty Lawn Darts the government won't let us sell anymore.
The Holy Ghost Backyard Crucifixion Game - A very realistic toy meant for the Fundamentalist Religious market. A spate of rather unfortunate incidents and unfair negative publicity forced us to withdraw this fine product. On the positive side, sales of our Nurse Nancy Bloody Stump Stitch & Bandage Kitsoared through the roof during the period the Holy ghost games were available.
Peter's Party Prophylactic Grab Bag - A fun and totally responsible product aimed at the teen market. Unfortunately the legislatures in 49 states (and the Commonwealths of Puerto Rico and Guam) have sticks up their butts the size of telephone poles. That just means more fun for the kids in Mississippi, I guess. Angry Abdul the Suicide Bomber Halloween Costume - I want to make this perfectly clear- the plastic "explosives" supplied with this costume were supposed to be Play-Doh. We really cannot be blamed when our manufacturer in Mexico screws up. Actually our lawyers would prefer I not discuss this at all while the lawsuits are still pending. I'll just say this though- there are a lot of whiners in the world today, and Halloween was never meant for sissies.
I know it seems unbelievable, but every once in a while our crack staff at MMB News Services makes an error. When we do, and when it is brought to our attention by our alert readers we make every attempt to eventually promptly correct the error. So here goes-
In our May 12, 2006 edition a photo of Ella June Parker of Tecumseh, Iowa should have been captioned- "Local Pastor Jokes with Homeland Security Officer at Tecumseh Airport". We sincerely regret any misunderstanding that may have occurred when we supplied an incorrect caption reading "Undercover Al Quaeda Operative Arrested While Trying to Board Aircraft as Suicide Bomber".
Last Thursday we reported that on October 26, 2005, the Chairman of Exxon/Mobil met with Saudi Arabian officials in Room 17 of the Daytona Motor Inn and agreed with them to help inflate American gasoline prices. We would like to explain that this was not meant to suggest that the Chairman of Exxon/Mobil met with Saudi Arabian officials on October 26, 2005, in Room 17 of the Daytona Motor Inn to collude to inflate American gas prices. We apologize, and thank the Chairman of Exxon/Mobil, and his lawyers, for pointing out that this report could have been misconstrued by some readers.
A week ago today we reported that gigantic man-eating grasshoppers had carried off a entire pre-school class in Machias, Maine. Further investigation has indicated that certain details of this story may not be entirely accurate, and we would like to apologize to the residents of Machias for any panic that might have ensued in that community as a result of our initial story.
Yesterday the International wire services widely reported on our exclusive interview with Katie Couric in which she declared "Dan Rather was my mentor and one of the finest men I've ever known". As the result of a cut-and-pasting error in our composition department some versions of the story appear to have changed the quote to "Dan Rather is a grubby, narrow-minded, skirt-chasing, space-cadet jerkwad". Our bad.
One final note: After extensive follow-up research, we stand by our report that Dick Cheney is, literally, the Spawn of Satan.
So, just about now Jena Bush is getting hitched in Crawford, Texas, in front of Papa Bush and about 200 of their closest campaign contributors, oil-company lobbyists and NeoCons. Turns out that the lucky guy who snagged Jenna is a former Karl Rove assistant. Now there's a pair I'll be just soooo glad to see reproduce...
I don't mean to sound like a disbeliever, but couldn't the continued existence of the Bush Clan be used as an argument against Darwin?
All right, I get the feeling we could all use a little humor today, so I burrowed around in my Jokes Archive...
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Last week we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well,"he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare and said, "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. Then I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you-know-what, we can pull "it" out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
I asked, "After you get "it" out, how do you put "it" back?"
"Well," he explained, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."
He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"
The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qa'ida, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press conference. So we're taking up a collection for him."
The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies, "About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
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And finally, this clip from 'Whose Line Is It Anyway' is well worth the few minutes it takes to watch-
I just looked around and it was Wednesday. They appear to be tearing down my favorite tobacco barn in town. This barn is on one of the only two roads into our town, which is in a bend of the Connecticut River. The landowner, who lives next to this parcel, took advantage of rising land prices two years ago and sold several fields to a developer, who is now building new houses on them. I know things change, but damn- this was the first tobacco barn you saw when driving in from the main road. In past years the high school students had posted a mural on it. It was an old barn, with a beautiful slate roof (which they are salvaging). It's just too damn bad.
But the more things change, the more they stay the same. Our blogging friend Here Today, Gone Tomorrow, has started a baby registry for our newest blogger, Angry Ginger.
Looks like Rush Limbaugh, yes? Well, the Angry Ginger is actually much more photogenic than that, ands to help us make his/her early years better, I urge you to visit here.
When you've been in the book business for ten or twenty years, your customers start to die. I've had dozens die, and re-sold books we sold to them over and over, but this week it really hit me. This client was not somebody we sold books to, but somebody I bought books from. She was an ex-antique dealer, who had had a shop on The Vineyard for many years, and now lived in a nice apartment in Boston. I've been buying books from her library for maybe ten years now. She'd call, say, come on in and see some more books, and I go and buy a half dozen shopping bags full. The money went to her grandkid's college fund.
Norma always talked about books, antiques, The Vineyard, the Red Sox, and her dog, a mop-top with a bouncy personality. When her first dog died she was heartbroken, but then she adopted a new mop-top, and he was the love of her life.
Her death was unexpected. She'd always told me that she'd left instructions that her kids were to call me if she died, that I was to come and buy her books, but she was one of these really energetic, bouncy people who you never really expected that to happen to.
And now, for those of you who actually come here for book-talk, we take a moment from the usual depravity for the latest installment in the continuing adventures of the Book Elves, and to try to sell some books from our new catalog. Everyone else, please excuse the interruption...
Spring has finally come to Foggygates and the Book Elves are in full fettle, cleaning up winter debris, getting the flower beds in order and expanding the vegetable garden beds on the side lawn. Never ones to take a long route when a shorter, more dramatic one is available, the Book Elves decided to employ what they termed “advanced quarrying techniques” to break up the new beds. . .
What I find most troubling about the ensuing “incident” (as the State Police report terms it) isn’t simply that they attracted the attentions of the fine folks at Homeland Security when they advertised for 2 cases of dynamite on Craigslist, it’s that they were actually able to purchase them, rig them, and send half of our lawn sailing into the Connecticut River before anyone could stop them.
But before they created a really dandy crater in the yard which we can use as a root cellar, and sent a new island floating lazily south on the Connecticut River, in the direction of Hartford, the Book Elves finished our new Spring Catalog, which features almost 300 books and catalogs on furniture, folk art, ceramics, glass, silver, metalwares, fine arts & prints, many from the reference library of a noted Connecticut antiques dealer.
