Souper Tuesday-

Well, we're almost at SouperTuesday, as 24 states will vote or caucus¹ to pick some poor schmoe to run for Official Dickhead President of the United States. Adding to the misery suspense, while the Democratic contests tend to award delegates based on percentages of votes, the Republican contests are pretty much winner-take-all affairs. Well, that makes sense- to Republicans, if you come in second, you deserve to be fucked.

I know all the political asshats pundits are predicting results, so I thought I'm at least as much of an asshat as they are why not make a few predictions of my own?

ALABAMA: A surprise on the Republican side, as the frantic candidates discover there are actually no registered Republicans in Alabama. When an ABC News reporter poses the question "Then why did Rudy Guiliani spend $7 million campaigning there before he dropped out of the race?" a political analyst answers, "Because he's an idiot."

ALASKA: Since the Alaska caucuses are held about 18 hours after everyone in the rest of the country goes to bed, nobody will ever know, much less care, who wins there.

ARIZONA: John McCain scores an easy win on the Republican side, but loses points when a You-Tube video surfaces showing an out-of-control, obscenity-spewing McCain beating a 90-year old Romney poll watcher over the head with the man's own walker.

CALIFORNIA: No results are available in the Democratic races as Republican Governor Arnold Schwartzenaeger declares all Democratic voters to be "Sissy Girlie Men", who are "probably illegal immigrants anyways", and suspends the Democratic primary until everyone can prove they are U.S. citizens. On the Republican side everyone in Orange County votes for Ron Paul, who wins handily.

MASSACHUSETTS: John McCain surprises everyone by beating former Governor Mitt Romney 87% to 13%. Romney faces reporters in front of his longtime home in Belmont, Massachusetts and heatedly denies ever having been Governor of Massachusetts, ever having been to the state, or ever having heard of it before. Fox News airs the tape without comment, and Roger Ailes delivers a harsh diatribe accusing CNN, which questions Romney's truthfulness, as being "part of the Liberal-Homosexual Anti-American Left Wing Media Conspiracy."

MINNESOTA: According to the state's new Diebold voting machines, former Richard Nixon aide General Alexander Haig wins the Democratic primary with 36,000,000 votes in a state that only has 166,000 registered Democrats.

NEW JERSEY: Returns are not in yet, as New Jersey's governor holds polls open until all the dead citizens can vote. He declares he'll announce the results sometime after the Conventions.

OKLAHOMA: Mike Huckabee wins the Republican contest, after promising to ask God to divert all of next year's tornadoes to Texas.

UTAH: In an effort to "streamline" the election process, the state announces that Mitt Romney's will be the only name to appear on the Republican ballot. He loses to John McCain anyway.

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¹ From the Latin, "carcass" -a putrid, smelly dead thing nobody really wants to touch.