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Monday, February 04, 2008

Souper Tuesday-

Well, we're almost at SouperTuesday, as 24 states will vote or caucus1 to pick some poor schmoe to run for Official Dickhead President of the United States. Adding to the misery suspense, while the Democratic contests tend to award delegates based on percentages of votes, the Republican contests are pretty much winner-take-all affairs. Well, that makes sense- to Republicans, if you come in second, you deserve to be fucked.

I know all the political asshats pundits are predicting results, so I thought I'm at least as much of an asshat as they are why not make a few predictions of my own?

ALABAMA: A surprise on the Republican side, as the frantic candidates discover there are actually no registered Republicans in Alabama. When an ABC News reporter poses the question "Then why did Rudy Guiliani spend $7 million campaigning there before he dropped out of the race?" a political analyst answers, "Because he's an idiot."

ALASKA: Since the Alaska caucuses are held about 18 hours after everyone in the rest of the country goes to bed, nobody will ever know, much less care, who wins there.

ARIZONA: John McCain scores an easy win on the Republican side, but loses points when a You-Tube video surfaces showing an out-of-control, obscenity-spewing McCain beating a 90-year old Romney poll watcher over the head with the man's own walker.

CALIFORNIA: No results are available in the Democratic races as Republican Governor Arnold Schwartzenaeger declares all Democratic voters to be "Sissy Girlie Men", who are "probably illegal immigrants anyways", and suspends the Democratic primary until everyone can prove they are U.S. citizens. On the Republican side everyone in Orange County votes for Ron Paul, who wins handily.

MASSACHUSETTS: John McCain surprises everyone by beating former Governor Mitt Romney 87% to 13%. Romney faces reporters in front of his longtime home in Belmont, Massachusetts and heatedly denies ever having been Governor of Massachusetts, ever having been to the state, or ever having heard of it before. Fox News airs the tape without comment, and Roger Ailes delivers a harsh diatribe accusing CNN, which questions Romney's truthfulness, as being "part of the Liberal-Homosexual Anti-American Left Wing Media Conspiracy."

MINNESOTA: According to the state's new Diebold voting machines, former Richard Nixon aide General Alexander Haig wins the Democratic primary with 36,000,000 votes in a state that only has 166,000 registered Democrats.

NEW JERSEY: Returns are not in yet, as New Jersey's governor holds polls open until all the dead citizens can vote. He declares he'll announce the results sometime after the Conventions.

OKLAHOMA: Mike Huckabee wins the Republican contest, after promising to ask God to divert all of next year's tornadoes to Texas.

UTAH: In an effort to "streamline" the election process, the state announces that Mitt Romney's will be the only name to appear on the Republican ballot. He loses to John McCain anyway.

- -

1 From the Latin, "carcass" -a putrid, smelly dead thing nobody really wants to touch.

22 comments:

Hungry Mother said...

Holy crap! I'm still laughing. The NJ one is probably true.

C.Rag said...

How can you predict the future like that?

pissed off patricia said...

Listen. Do you hear someone laughing? That's me.

In all states McCain wins for being most insane. Romney wins for, well, just being there. Huckabee wins while sitting on a horse with Chuck Norris and having Jesus lead the horse.

Mike said...

I don't give a flying fuck who they nominate for Presidork. I'm starting a write-in campaign for Gary Coleman.

Colonel Colonel said...

HungryMO: Yeah, Jersey is like that.

C.Rag: It's a gift. Too bad it doesn't work for football games.

PoP: Chuck Norris would make an "interesting" Secretary of State, wouldn't he?

Mike: I understand Gary is big with the chicks.

Phoebe Fay said...

Brilliant as ever!

And in Kollyrado, Phoebe Fay will attend her first-ever Democratic caucus. Hopefully, the other 12 democrats in the repudlicken-drenched county will all show up.

Diva said...

Bwaaahaahahaha!!!

Beach Bum said...

I've got to give some credit to Huckabee who has been able to make mega-rich Romney whine like a seven year old spoiled sissy boy saying it just isn't fair to him that Huckabee is taking his votes.

Malach the Merciless said...

Don't mess with General Haig

AngryMan said...

Wow, an Al Haig reference. It's been a long time since one of those.

Colonel Colonel said...

Phoebe: Be careful they don't pack you all into a windowless van.

Diva: Welcome to MMB! Y'all come back now!

Beach Bum: Romney has had plenty of practice looking lie a spoiled seven-year old.

Malach & Angryman: Hey, he was Presidick for like, an hour after Reagan got shot, until somebody pulled the plug on him before he could nuke Russia. I once actually voted for him in a Republican Presidential primary here in Mass., just to cause trouble.

moooooog35 said...

I thought it was "Soup or Tuesday" - kind of like, "Soup or Bowl" - where I was forced to make a choice.

Personally, I'd take soup over Tuesday.

But that's just me.

Anonymous said...

Hey was there a football game on Sunday

Colonel Colonel said...

Moog: Good point. Unless it was Tuesday Weld. I'd take her over soup.

Anonymous: Where??

Sideon said...

Colonel - I'm dedicating my next batch of home brew in your honor - you are HYSTERICALLY funny.

Buzzardbilly said...

Best commentary on Super Tuesday ever!

My TV has been off all day and I may not turn it on tonight. First the writer's strike and now Super Tuesday.

sirdar said...

I just hope they vote someone in that is going to be better than Bush. Please vote in someone better than Bush!!

Cissy Strutt said...

my dear Colonel. Thank you for explaining it all so succinctly. I feel quite clever now.

AngryMan said...

You still donate money to Haig, don't you?

FOUR DINNERS said...

Politician = Lying, cheating scumbag.

This accurate definition is shortly to appear in the next Oxford Thesaurus.

Kerstin said...

I'm pretty impressed by the extraordinary accuracy in your predictions....

Preposterous Ponderings said...

You are so much better than Nostradamus!