Monday, February 18, 2008

3,000 Channels, And There's Nothing On...

The New England Sports Network (NESN), the cable-television network that carries Boston Red Sox games (and is, incidentally, also owned by the Red Sox) is televising Spring Training live this year.

Now let me make sure you fully understand what I just wrote- I don't mean they are televising Spring Training games live this year, they've been doing that for many years. No, no- this year they have started live broadcasts of Spring Training itself. You know -guys running laps in the outfield. Guys playing catch. Pitchers Fielding Practice.

Not only are they televising this live every afternoon- they are running edited highlight summaries each evening.

And I'm sure people will watch, that's how baseball crazy we are around here. This is the region where several tv stations broke into regular programming to carry live video of the Sox' tractor trailer truck pulling away from the loading dock at Fenway Park to start its trip to Florida last week.

So this got me thinking... what else could be televised that would be even more boring and meaningless than live coverage of Spring Training calisthenics? What could we put on tv that would kill the few remaining brain cells Americans have left after 7 years of the Shrub and Britney Spears?

So let's put our heads together and come up with a schedule- I'll start off with a few of my own suggestions-

PGA Ball-Washer Cam: 24-7-365 live streaming video of the Professional Golfer's Association's official ball washing machine. Includes BREAKING NEWS RSS Feed whenever Tiger Woods' washes his balls.

Where's The Donald's Hair?: Donald Trump's "hair" finally gets its own television show as it strikes out on its own across the USA.

It's 3 A.M.- Do You Know Where Your Bologna Is?: Live coverage of the cold-cut drawer inside Bill Clinton's refrigerator.

6-Feet Under the White House Lawn: New this fall on Grub-TV: live video of worms and grubs from a camera buried under the Rose Garden, right next to Dick Cheney's Sense of Decency.

Is Anybody Actually Listening?: Live daily coverage of the floor of the US House of Representatives. Watch as Representatives grandstand for special-interest groups back home by making rousing speeches to an absolutely empty House chamber. (oh, wait- this one is actually already on CSPAN).

You get the idea, fellow campers! What else can we put on our Spring Schedule?


Malach the Merciless said...

Yes, that is why Red Sox Nation I am trying to classify as a mental illness.

If you think about it though. 6 Feet Under the White House Lawn could interesting depending on what we find . . .Jimmy Hoffa?

Malicious Intent said...

I'll have to put some thought into this one. I just finished doing the 10 commandments. But, this, this sounds more interesting.

Mike said...

As far as I am concerned, watching an actual baseball game is very similar to watching paint dry.

I simply can't imagine watching practice.

Although now that I think about it, it might be slightly more exciting.

Buzzardbilly said...

My Curmy says the thing he misses most about not living in Mass is NESN. He said if we could get that life would be complete.

Some TV suggestions:

The Bottom of the Birdcage show. Ratings are somewhat bouyed by the inclusion of pictures of the famous on the bottom of the birdcage and the bong hit game college students have created to go with it.

Methodist Weddings. Proof that not all weddings can be filled with emotional scenes and strange personal preferences.

The Grout Network. 24/7 grout, grout, and more grout, including a real time camera on grout to watch real mildew form and grow.

Colonel Colonel said...

Malach: Maybe that's where the WMDs are.

MI: Give it some thought and c'mon back. There's plenty of room on ou schedule!

Mike: Especially Pitchers Fielding Practice. There's nothing quite as riveting as PFP. Well, possibly the Grout Network.

BB: And you thought of it! The Grout Network! If that's not a winner, I dunno what will be. Paris Hilton could host a show where she spends the hour going "eeewwww!" at various moldy bathroom tiles, and then at the end the crew grouts her funny little dog into the floor.

Mike said...

I don't know. In the summer I really prefer the Grass Growing Network.

Mike said...

Or...how about the All Junk Mail Network.

We could call it CSPAM.

AngryMan said...

What about a feed of empty houses?

AngryMan said...

Someone checking their math homework?

Colonel Colonel said...

Mike: CSPAM is a classic! You just want a Grass Growing Network so you can watch it all day, waiting for the moment it hits that Magic Millimeter when you can run out to the garage, fire up your Lawnmower with Big Tits, and race out to mow again.

Angryman: Math homework is gonna have a lot of searing and violence in it, but empty houses are good.

Colonel Colonel said...

"searing"?? Make that "swearing".

Goddman mutherfucking keyboard...

Hungry Mother said...

I've always wanted the Balance Beam Cam for the Olympics, or any practice or competition.

Simply Curious said...

The bologna in my fridge would be more fun to watch. If you're lucky, it might move a few inches during the course of the evening.

Buzzardbilly said...

Thank you.

Simply Curious's bologna reminded me that I used to carve Charles Manson pumpkins at Halloween. One year there had been a flood. Did something to the pumpkins. The inside of the pumpkins spouted some kind of green hair like fungus that grew overnight to be poking out all of the holes for the Manson face. It was twice as creepy. I would've watched that grow if they had it on TV. Never been able to get it to do that again.

pissed off patricia said...

They could put on a news show where everything is slanted in favor of the administration. Oops, they already have that.

They could put on a show of a nun praying night and day. Oops, we already have that too.

Damn, I think tv has about covered all the boring as hell stuff.