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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Ooopsie...

Sigh.

So, I broke a fingernail this morning. Don't you hate it when that happens? So when I was driving to work I was biting the jagged little stub on the end of the nail, and then I realized that it was bleeding and I had blood on my clean white shirt, and I looked down to see how bad it was and I rear-ended the car in front of me at a stop light.

It turned out that the car was being driven by the security guy who looks after the Iraqi Ambassador to the UN, and because he and I were standing there screaming at each other in English and Klingon, or whatever they speak, he was late to pick up the Ambassador, who got into a taxi instead to get to the UN.

But it turned out that the taxi was driven by an ex-Iraqi army officer who's now in exile in America, and when he recognized the Ambassador he kidnapped him and drove him to his apartment in New Jersey, and then phoned in a ransom demand, saying he was from Iran and that unless he got six million dollars he was going to kill the Ambassador.

But it turned out that since Bush is in Africa, Dick Cheney took the call instead and finally saw his chance to "do something" about Iran before he leaves office, so he dispatched 60 nuclear cruise missiles to hit Teheran, and the Iranians responded by attacking Saudi Arabia and Israel, which responded by attaching each other, and so now tonight the entire Middle East is in flames, and the world's oil supply is all plutoniumed and won't be usable for the next 500,000 years, and the entire western economy is in collapse.

And my damned nail still hurts. Doncha just hate it when that happens?

18 comments:

Phoebe Fay said...

AND it's such a bitch trying to get blood out of a white shirt.

Some days, you just might as well not get out of bed.

Colonel Colonel said...

It was a new shirt too. And now the rioters have torched the clothing store, so I can't replace it.

AND, I can't find my cuticle scissors.

crap.

Buzzardbilly said...

This is exactly why a good manicure is just as important as exfoliation.

Mike said...

I once popped a zit that caused the Chernobyl reactor to blow.

I know how you feel brother.

I was 8 years old and the kids teased me something awful for WEEKS.

Colonel Colonel said...

BB: Which is why I am getting a manicure, just as soon as martial law is lifted.

Mike: kids can be so cruel, can't they?

Malicious Intent said...

What ever you are smoking, I want some of it! Do you deliver?

Hope the nail is better and the stain comes out.

Beach Bum said...

I almost hate to say it Colonel but some part of me would get some enjoyment watching the various suburban yuppy types deal with life with no gas for the SUV they usually ride around town with alone after dropping the kiddies off at the daycare so they can attend their tennis lesson at the country club.

AngryMan said...

I often stub my toe and end up starting a drug war in Latin America.

Colonel Colonel said...

MI: Oddly, I wasn't smoking anything when I wrote that. Sometimes that worries me.

BB: Well yes, I wasn't meaning to suggest that the meltdown of our petroleum-based economy was a bad thing...

Angryman: I think that's true for a lot of people- look at all the violence down there.

FOUR DINNERS said...

I thought that had already happened last week? Am I time travelling or just pissed?

I bite mine so it's never a problem

Colonel Colonel said...

Dinners: Yeah, it happened last week too. I'm getting a bit tired of the whole thing.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Damn that hurts. It's a worse torture than waterboarding. I HATE when that happens.

Try peroxide on the blood. Nurses use it all the time. It works pretty well on whites.

Malach the Merciless said...

See, everyone tells me to stop biting my fingernails!

Colonel Colonel said...

Bruce: I've tried peroxide on nurses, actually. Bourbon seems to work better.

Malach: Nail-biting and nose-picking. Apparently our moms knew more than we did.

Kerstin said...

Not that nail biting is bad, but when you're driving, it's probably best you don't bite them. I suggest "Nibble No More." I got some for Joey at Ulta and I gotta say, it tastes like shit. I guarantee you won't be nibbling those nails.

And think of all the shirts you'll save.

Colonel Colonel said...

Kerstin: But I LIKE biting my nails. I guess I'll just have to live with the consequences...

Preposterous Ponderings said...

That day sounded like a total waste of make-up!

Atlas Cerise said...

Maybe AngryMan will give you a hug. He likes to hug other men. And then fuck them.