Saturday, January 12, 2008

Hey Willie, Let's Play Two!

This is my 500th MMB post. My God, what was I thinking? I began all this on December 28, 2005, and have yet to write a single sentence that makes sense, an accomplishment that gives me the sort of warm, fuzzy feeling inside that money just can't buy.

But enough about me. It should be obvious to everyone out there in BlogLand that the sort of incomprehensibility that is brought to you on a sporadic semi-regular basis on MMB is not the work of just one person. That's right! Others are to blame! My loyal staff helps. So I thought that this post should be devoted to the folks behind the scenes, the people who loiter toil day and night in the MMB offices, to bring you the finished product. So, without further bullshit ado, I reluctantly proudly present-


Name: Trixie VaVoom
Job: Receptionist
Age: 23
Background: Multitalented Trixy has a rich and varied background in the live-performance sector of show business, and has also served as the short-term "personal assistant" to numerous businessmen. Her life's ambition is to pole-dance her way around the world.
Quote: "Get your own damn coffee"

Name: Alexander W. Alexander, III
Job: MMB Research Director
Age: 34
Background: Heir to the Alexander Buttermilk Fortune, Alex earned advanced degrees at Harvard, Yale and MIT by the age of 24 before “rethinking” his life and taking a 7-year sabbatical playing steel guitar at various bars in the Caribbean and working as a freelance pot smuggler and rum taster. During his stay in the islands, Alex says his mind was opened and he realized many important things about the way the world really works. Fleeing the giant, hairless Masonic spiders from the Orion Nebula who secretly rule Earth, Alex landed under the porch here at MMB one cold winter morning smelling strongly of rum and incense, and now directs our Research Department.
Quote: "THEY don’t want you to know who THEY are or WHAT they're doing!"

Name: Happy, Harpo & Llewellyn
Job: MMB Staff Writers
Age: 5-7
Background: Happy, Harpo and Llewellyn were the lead writers on most Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone movies, but decided to quit the Hollywood grind after writing “Rocky XXVII: He’s Back, and Now He’s REALLY Pissed”.
Quote: "We’ll work for peanuts, but we prefer bourbon"

Name: Patrick “Trashcan” Shillelagh
Job: Head of MMB Security
Age: ?
Background: Though obviously well-trained in the use of a wide variety of weaponry, little is known of “Trashcan’s” background and most of us are quite frankly afraid to ask.
Quote: "Call me ‘Kitty’ and die, fuckwad!"

Name: Colonel Colonel
Job: Figurehead
Age: 45
Background: Sealed by the courts.
Quote: "Very funny, now where the Hell are my clothes?"


The MMB Glee Club

The MMB Gay Penguin Strike Brigade

This is our handyman, Max Salzberg and his family. They live in the loft over the MMB garage. They're a little odd, but Max is a nice, quiet guy, so we don't ask too many questions.


"Georgie B". Georgie B. served as office boy at MMB for about five years, and even though he struggled with the job, his goofy demeanor and complete lack of intelligence endeared him to almost everyone here. He was also a blast at the office Halloween Party, as you can see from this photo. Nobody has heard from him in almost eight years, and anyone out there with information as to his whereabouts is urged to contact Trixie VaVoom.

"Dik". Dik (no last name known) was in charge of office security before we had to fire him for beating up three Laotian nuns. Dik was a dick. We don't really care where he went. He's probably in jail in Honduras or someplace by now. Good riddance.


Well, there you have it, these are the folks who have all come together to bring you the last 500 posts here at MMB! With their help, and another few cases of beer, I'm sure we'll be good for another 500. Thank you all for coming today, there are refreshments in the lobby.


NerdGirl said...

OMG. I think your i.q. must be crazy high! Only a genius can come up with five hundred rich posts with such imagination ... I am constantly amazed at where your creativity in these posts takes you and your readers... do you write outside of the blog? I am a short story freak, I suspect you would write amazing short stories!

Carver is my favourite!

Catalyst said...

All great except - - - is it "Trixie" or "Cindy"?

Naaaaahhh. Just looked at her picture again. Who cares?

Anonymous said...

It is really good to have such talented staff. Good staff is hard to come by these days...especailly around here where coffee servers get $12/hour.

I did notice that uncanny resemblance between you and that guy from the original Planet of the Apes.

Simply Curious said...

I'll send Trixie back as soon as she's done cleaning under my desk, if that's ok.

Man, the Salzberg picture was disturbing, but for some strange reason, I keep looking it. Someone really should drop a hint to the Mrs though, that it's no longer the 70s and she needs to do something with that bush, even if it is on a costume.

Colonel Colonel said...

Kelly: Well thank you very much! Of course, I keep in mind that the first 400 MMB posts were, um, boring, so the achievement may not be as impressive as it seems. Yes, I've written a few things here and there, but nothing published yet.

Catalyst: Trixie, Cindy, Trixy... she has a variety of names. As you say, who cares?

Sirdar: Yeah, I get that Planet of the Apes thing a lot. That was a movie, right?

SCG: Just please return Trixie in the same condition she came in. OK, wait, let me rephrase that...

Malach the Merciless said...

Where's Mamoo?

Mike said...

Mamoo works for me.

I've seen that office boy somewhere else before. I can't quite remember where though. He may have been bagging groceries at a Winn-Dixie or he might have been dancing in a gay bar.

Don't ask me what I was doing in a gay bar. I was on a top secret mission for the CIA.

Phoebe Fay said...

Llewellyn seems to be busy playing with his/her tits. With any luck, Trixie's busy with the same thing.

Good staff is hard to find. Myself, I'm always on the lookout for a good, hard staff.

Colonel Colonel said...

Malach: We fired him. He groped Madeleine Albright during an office Open House, and then took off with a case of fig newtons and the xerox machine.

Mike: What's the CIA? Never heard of it.

Colonel Colonel said...

Phoebe: Trixie belongs to something called the "Tits of the Month Club". I believe Pam Anderson does their television infomercials.

Buzzardbilly said...

Congratulations on hitting such a milestone. I can imagine that's only possible because of your strong staff need to keep busy so they don't notice the knitted gential suit family fondling their knitwear.

Beach Bum said...

Colonel, if Happy, Harpo & Llewellyn quite writing the Willis and Stallone movies what group of lower life forms is responsible for the new Rambo movie that is about to come out?

Can I have Trixie's phone number?

Colonel Colonel said...

BB: Better they fondle their knitwear than our knitwear...

BeachBum: I had assumed that the Rambo producers had finally decided to simply do away with unecessary stuff like scripts, and directing, and stuff. SCG has not returned Trixie yet, and I can't get an answer on her cellphone.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Those quotes are hilarious. Your staff are funnier than you are, Sir, which could be a problem. Don't let the monkeys piss on you. I'm still trying to catch the ones that gave me a free shampoo.

Sara with NO H said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Simply Curious said...

Quick note, ignore that last comment, it was logged in someone else's account. I'll type it again under mine.

So, uh, yeah, can you come pick her up? She doesn't wanna leave and she's getting really annoying.


I want Trixie. I really really want Trixie. She doesn't have to make coffee even. Honest...

Happy 500 and a crackin' post to celebrate 'n all.

Hungry Mother said...

Obviously a great staff, based on the results.

I wish you'd grabbed those writers before they did the dialog in "Cliffhanger". That's one of the two movies I watch with the sound off. The other is "Waterworld."

Simply Curious said...

Anyone that wants Trixie has to pry her off of my leg. You come and get her. You can have her.

Malicious Intent said...

It is comforting to know that we are cared for by a top-notch staff!

Kerstin said...

I am so impressed by the staff who took over from Georgie B and Dik. Really top notch group you have there. Keep up the great work.

Simply Curious said...


Trixie is running loose. You better catch up with her Colonel. Damn that girl has a lot of energy.

Colonel Colonel said...

NOTE: I just needed to make the quick announcement that there is NO TRUTH to the story currently circulating in the media that, after getting kicked out by SCG, Trixie VaVoom jetted to Dallas, stuffed Jessica Simpson into an unused utility closet, and was responsible in some way for, um, tiring Dallas Cowboy's quarterback Tony Romo out, and being responsible for the shocking Dallas playoff loss yesterday.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Colonel Colonel said...

GorillaBananas: Pissy monkees have always been a bit of a problem around here. Welcome to MMB!

SCG: Annoying? Our Trixie? Perish the thought...

Dinners: Be careful what you wish for.

HungryMo: Ah, 'Waterworld', the cinematic equivalent of the history of the Bush Administration.

SCG: Uh oh. I have 87 emails from folks who want to come pry her off your leg...

Malicious: It's the best staff beer can buy!

Kerstin: Thanks! We were glad to see Georgie and Dik go. They were trouble. I'd hate to see them get into positions of real responsibility, God knows what sort of trouble they could create.

SCG: Loose? She got loose? Didn't I tell you not to oil her up?

Bruce, a work in progress said...

That's quite a staff you've got there Col. (I know you're secure enough in your manhood to not be bothered about another man saying that to you).
I'd like to apply for a position with your organization...one involving Trixie.

Anonymous said...

WTF? After all I have done for you and you didn't even mention me as part of your staff!

I worked many HARD hours blowing the dust off of your ummmmm....errrr.....books!

Sara Sue said...

Happy anniversary, Colonel! You are looking good!! Keep up the good work!

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Happy 500th post, Colonel Colonel. And may I just say, you are looking pretty hot in that fur loincloth!

Colonel Colonel said...

Bruce: Well, yes, my staff does get many compliements, especially after we started observing "Kilt Thursday" here at the office.

PrePo: My most profound apologies -my "books" have never been, um, cleaner.

Sara & HTGT: It must be the fur loincloth- I guess everyone looks good in a fur loincloth.

Well, maybe not Dik. Ow. Bad mental image. Eewww.......

Sara Sue said...

Sumbitch! I'll be there for lunch on Thursday!