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Tuesday, January 08, 2008

And so It Begins-

Dixville Notch, New Hampshire
From Witlesspedia, the free MMB encyclopedia

Dixville Notch (Coordinates: 44°52′15″N, 71°18′21″W) is an unincorporated wide space in the road small village in the Dixville township of Coos County, New Hamster Hampshire, USA1. The town is known for its annual Badger Roast being one of the first places to declare its results for the New Hampshire Presidential primary. It is located miles from anywhere you'd ever want to go in the far north of the state, approximately 20 miles2 (30 km)3 from MolsonLand Canada. Dixville Notch's population is 76 75.

Midnight voting tradition

Dixville Notch residents gather at midnight to vote

Dixville Notch is best known in connection with Elmer Fuddplucker, inventor of the nesting buttplug its longstanding middle-of-the-night drunken pillaging of the neighboring town of Hixville Notch vote in the U.S. presidential election, including during the New Hampshire primary (the first primary election in the U.S. presidential group circle jerk nomination process). Starting in the 1960 election4, all the eligible voters in Dixville Notch gathered at midnight in the ballroom of The Balsams. The voters got completely blitzed on Molson smuggled in from Canada, cast off their clothing their ballots and had New Hampshire's largest recorded gang bang the polls officially are closed one minute later. The result of the Dixville Notch vote in both the New Hampshire primary and the general election are utterly meaningless to anyone with a life traditionally broadcast around the country immediately afterwards.

In the most recent presidential election of November 2nd, 2004 the village had 26 registered voters. The votes are counted immediately after the beer runs out all are received; the Dixville Notch results of the primary often lead morning news programs on election day5. During every election year since 1968, the candidate with the plurality6 of Dixville Notch's voters has been the eventual Republican nominee for president(citation needed), with President(citation needed) George Bush winning in both 2000 and 2004. On the Democratic side, however, the village's election results have less often predicted the nominee. In 2000, for example, Gaius Shroomwackler's dog "Pete" won the most votes among Dixville Notch's Democratic primary voters7 although Al Gore was the party's eventual nominee and went on to be elected President of the United States.

The community's voting tradition received a nod in the 2002 third season episode of US television program The West Wing8, in an episode entitled "Hartsfield's Landing", named after a town clearly modeled on Dixville Notch.


1.USA! USA! USA! USA! C'mon, what are you some kinda terrorist lover? USA! USA! USA!

2
. Like we actually went and measured it. Right.

3
. Nobody actually knows how far a (km) is, but it looks really scholarly and shit to include it, so we did.

4
. More or less. We think.

5
. Sad. Just sad.

6
. Another big word we threw in to make this look authoritative. Did it work?

7
. UberGeek77098: Gaius Shroomwackler?? You know, LZ, if you're not going to take this encyclopedia thing seriously why don't you go away and get stupid on another website?
LordZygort: Right, like somebody died and made you Dictator of everything that gets posted here.
UberGeek77098: It's people like you who give Witlesspedia a bad name. You've never contributed anything useful here. I spend all my time going back into articles and cleaning up your retarded crap. And you smell.
LordZygort: Get lost loser!
UberGeek77098: I'm pulling your editing privileges now.
LordZygort: Oh yeah? Well pull my finger too! PhHHFFFFFTTTTTTTTTT!!!!! HAHA! you got CyberFarted!!
UberGeek77098: Oh, that's real mature. I'm notifying the Administrator!
LordZygort: Get stuffed.

8. God, I wish Josiah Bartlett was President. Or Martin Sheen. Or even Charlie Sheen.

27 comments:

Malach the Merciless said...

Moose Crossing: Hundreds of Collisions

Colonel Colonel said...

Lunch!!

pissed off patricia said...

I don't think the town really is even there. I think it's just a bunch of old hippies smoking dope and farting around waiting for election day so they can be famous for about a nano second.

Colonel Colonel said...

But...but...but... I read it on the net, so it must be true!

moooooog35 said...

I believe the results are in already:

Republicans:
1) John McCain: 5 votes
2) Shelty the goat on Bill's farm: 4 votes
3) Jethro: 1 vote.

Democrats:
1) Obama: 3 votes
2) Osama: 1 vote (they think this is a typo)
3) Shelty the goat on Bill's farm: 3 votes

Apparently, no one is clear on the party line as far as Shelty goes.

Colonel Colonel said...

Mooog: Goats aren't that fussy.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Is it true that if the last of these residents standing at dawn sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter?

Colonel Colonel said...

You bet. And then Andie MacDowell arrives and we hit the bar.

AngryMan said...

Charlie Sheen
Ben Vereen
Shrink to the size of a lima bean!

Who gets the reference?

Colonel Colonel said...

????

Colonel Colonel said...

I Googled those three terms at the same time and got directed to an X-rated Gardening site that I don't think I want to go to.

Phoebe Fay said...

Personally, I wish all voting was like that. I should petition the county to have midnight beer, brats and ballots! Forget about voting machines in school gymnasiums and church halls. Stick 'em in bars and strip joints and all-night paint ball emporiums!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

HAAAAAAAaaahahahaha inventor of the buttplug haaaaaaaahahahahahhaha.

ok

*straightens collar*

what an insightful post.

Colonel Colonel said...

Phoebe: I'm with you! Back in The Good Old Days (1820s) Election Day was a holiday, and everybody went down to town hall and the candidates or their functionaries plied them all with whiskey, and the results (Andy Jackson, James Monroe, etc.) were better than we get these days.

T-Bird: Why thank you, we do our best here at Witlesspedia.

Mike said...

I thought Joey invented the nested butt plug. Better get your research team on it.

Colonel Colonel said...

Our team says it was Elmer, and I know that Joey differs. All I'm saying is that I read it on the net.

Joey did invent pole dancing.

TED VELVET said...

dude with all that crossing out, I don't know what the fuck is going on, is something happening in a small town in new hampshire or something? I'm a skimmer by nature

Sara Sue said...

Butt plugs, pole dancing and elections ... all is normal, Ted.

AngryMan said...

It was a reference to a classic Pinky and The Brain segment.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

imagine the quality of whores charlie sheen would have as his version of monica lewinsky? that's what always bothered me about that scandal... here is the leader of the free world, and he's getting head from that? wtf. i understand it was about convenience, but seriously, he couldve did waaaaaaay better...

Colonel Colonel said...

TV: New Hampshire? Nah. Nothing ever happens in New Hampshire.

Sara: Butt plugs, greased poles and elections is standard Washington fare.

Angryman: Pinky has a brain???

T-Bird: Exactly. And so could she...

Catalyst said...

God, I wish Josiah Bartlett was President. Or Martin Sheen. Or even Charlie Sheen.

No, you don't. Especially Charlie.

Hungry Mother said...

I would love to say that I am from Cooze County. (And my name is Mike Hunt.)

anaglyph said...

Yeahhh! Charlie Sheen for President! At least things would be interesting!

sirdar said...

Hey...are you trying to blame Canada for your election woes? Not enough Molson's can help you with that. Beside, its not like you actually voted in Bush in the first place...

Oh...and a kilometer is a good measure. We can do over 100 of them in an hour.

Sara Sue said...

I bet Charlie would wake up every morning and declare, "I love the smell of hooker panties in the morning!"

Colonel Colonel said...

Catalyst: I'd love to have Charlie Sheen as President. He's a Very Nice young man- why look, in 'Wall Street' he finally did the Right Thing and gave back the money, even if he did go after that stick-figure woman Daryl Hannah.

HungryMo: Cooze County. Booze County. Coors County. Boors County.... no wait, that's in Texas.

Reverend: I've had it with the "interesting" President we have now, but Charlie is "interesting" in a different way.

Sirdar: Actually, I love kilometers. it gives you the illusion you're going really, really fast!

Sara: Exactly- I'd love a return to the Bill Clinton years.