Wednesday, March 28, 2007
A Public Service Message
The Warning Signs Of Insanity
Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately. You discuss the subject seriously with them for several minutes, and then hit them with a sledgehammer.
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
You don't pay any attention to street signs, because "they" probably switched them around to confuse you.
You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
You constantly argue about politics -with your toaster.
You bronzed your collection of dead windowsill flies.
Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
You like cats. Especially with mayo.
You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
You have a pathalogical fear of fabric softener.
You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
You believe every single word that Dick Cheney and Ann Coulter say.