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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Say it with a Pineapple and a Twenty-


A rainy Wednesday in Hamphsire County, so I spin the Cheer Me Up Wheel and find Dolores Moran, who starred with Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall in 'To Have and Have Not'.

I didn't write the post below, it was sent to me as an email a few years ago. I thought it was funny, even for those not old enough to remember who most of these people were-

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

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Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

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Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

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Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

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Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

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Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

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Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

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Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

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Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

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Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

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Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

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Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

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Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

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Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures

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Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

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Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

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Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

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Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

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Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

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Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

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Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

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Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

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Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

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Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

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Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.

21 comments:

JBD said...

These are great - perfect for a rainy Wednesday morning (dreary here in Boston too). Thanks!

Mike said...

George Gobel was one of the funniest men alive. There was just something about him that could make me laugh every time I saw him.

Thanks for the laughs.

C.Rag said...

Are saying Whoopi Goldberg isn't clever?

Colonel Colonel said...

JBD- You're welcome! Are you going to be coming to the Northampton Book Fair on the 21st?

Mike- sure enough.

C.Rag- Whoopi is a very clever, funny woman. Is she on the Squares? That intro may have been written before she started- this is a few years old.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Thanks for the laugh. I needed it!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

nice! i was going to comment something else, but then i saw the thing about the pregnancy and elephant, and i got the most horrible mental image of some old dude trying to hump an elephant...

Bruce, a work in progress said...

I saw this a few years back then my father-in-law sent it around a couple of weeks ago. I laugh every time. And yes, I'm old enough to remember all of the people who said them.
On a Hollywood Squares related trivia note. If you don't already have her picture in the "Cheer Me Up Wheel" file, JoAnn Dru was Peter Marshall's sister. She could make you smile.

Colonel Colonel said...

PrePondering- You're welcome!

T-Bird- Thanks for that mental image!

Bruce- Hmmmm. I'm off to Google.

Phoebe Fay said...

That was so great. I could totally see those responses. But I didn't remember Vincent Price ever being on there. Must of missed that week.

Colonel Colonel said...

Phoebe- yes, he took his pineapple and left. It's too bad Paul Lynde isn't around for today's audience, he was a riot.

Sara Sue said...

I loved Paul Lynde!! Very funny, CC, almost made me miss t.v.!

Malach the Merciless said...

Yeah, gotten this email tons of times

Colonel Colonel said...

Sara- Paul Lynde remains one of the funniest comedians I've ever watched.

Malach- I'm working on something brand new for WoW on Friday...

Beach Bum said...

Believe it or not I remember Vincent Price on the Squares. Back before the crap of music videos the local TV stations showed old horror movies late on a Saturday night before they signed off. Mr. Price's movies scared the crap out of me as a kid thinking he was a scary man. I remember being surprised seeing him on the show and being very funny. That was a great show.

Pope Benedict XVI said...

They should call it "the Hollywood Door to Hell" they should

Kerstin said...

These were awesome! Don Knott's, Paul Lynde and Rose Marie...why can't we get talent like that anymore?

anaglyph said...

Hmm. Non-scripted answers, perhaps, but I'm having an awfully hard time believing that some of the questions aren't setups.

'How long does a pea last?'

'Why do Hell's Angel's wear leather?'

But thanks for reminding me about Paul Lynde. I just had a great tour around YouTube laughing my head off.

Sirdar said...

Oh man...I used to LOVE that show. Those were funny :lol:

The comedy back then was definitely funnier and less scripted. Obviously, I am showing my age....I'll just shut up now....

Colonel Colonel said...

Beach Bum- Vincent Price was also a conoisseur of food and wine, and he and his wife wrote a well-regarded cookbook. Go figure.

Popey- That would be one of the squares in the Left, yes yes?

Kerstin & Sirdar- I think we still have very talented comedians, it's just a different style, a little less clever in many cases.

Reverend- I'm sure you're right- the questions were written to give the comedians set-up lines, but of course that only works if you have comedians who are clever and quick.

Kaytie M. Lee said...

Now this is fun. I miss cleverness. It seems we've lost cleverness to sarcasm and insults. (Not that I mind the sarcasm and insults, when they're clever, it's just that they rarely are.)

here today, gone tomorrow said...

I miss Paul Lynde!