Monday, October 15, 2007

Make Mine Hot, Hot, Hot-

Mike was writing about his chili yesterday. I love hot peppers and I love chili, and his post reminded me of this story which I found several years ago and have posted once before, but back 'afore most of you were dropping by-


Includes notes from an inexperienced chili tester named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast. Frank notes: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting - So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:


JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could use it to remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now- get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.


JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?


JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage; a barmaid saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. Can't feel my lips anymore.


JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress and he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach


JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: (Not available for comment.)



Gimme gimme!! Try a Chicken Phall. One up from a chicken vindaloo. Gorgeous and HOT! Next up a Chicken Tindaloo. Some Indian restaurants refuse to serve this on the grounds that legend says diners have been known to spontaniously combust...

Colonel Colonel said...

4-D: I'll take a plate of that!

Anonymous said...

Looks like the Colonel was hard up for entertainemt.

Mike said...

I like my chili flavorful, but not necessarily hot. Well, slightly hot is okay, but not the kind of hot where I want to suck on a fire extinguisher for then next hour and a half.

They have some kind of really hot sauce down at the bar I frequent that is unbelievably hot. I tasted some one night by putting a drop on my finger. It damn near killed me but that wasn't the worst part. The worst part came later when I had to pee, and you guessed it, the remains of the hot sauce got on my "equipment" and left me in severe pain for some time to come.

That is still a great story that they love telling at the bar.

Colonel Colonel said...

PrePondering- Hmm. It had me rolling on the floor, but different tastes I guess.

Mike- it is a great story!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i once had some chili that made my ass feel as if someone had stuffed a wasabi ball up it. legitimate bad times.

Colonel Colonel said...

T-Bird- well yes, there is that, but you get used to it after a few months.

C.Rag said...

This reminds me of Homer Simpson at the chili tasting contest.
"5-alarm chili, eh?"

Sara Sue said...

I love hot chili too! I have, however, been in Frank's shoes a time or two.

Mike's comment explains the piss stained sweats, no?

moooooog35 said...

Tequila, I've read your antics...are you sure you actually DIDN'T shove a wasabi ball up your ass?

Worst thing I ever had was a hot sauce called "Endorphin Rush." Couldn't breathe for two days. Couldn't shit without crying for four.

TED VELVET said...

"The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenango! Grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum." I make a very good all meat chili with hot italian sausage in it. 1 pound of that, a pound of ground beef. teaspoon of hot chili powder teaspoon of regular chili powder, 1 diced onion, 3 to six garlic cloves, 1 20 oz. can diced tomatoes and some pinto beans when it's done. I think that's it. put it in the slow cooker/ crock pot thing for 6 hours, blam! good chili.

TED VELVET said...

oh yeah, black pepper, cumin and uh...I don't know...um, some salt

Malach the Merciless said...

MMMMM - Chili

Sara Sue said...

Why do I have this sudden craving for chili and diaper wipes?

Cash said...

Hu-Man chili is very tastey.


Pope Benedict XVI said...

De Pope makes amazing Chilli from his body and blood.

AngryMan said...

Reminds me of the episode of The Simpsons with the chili festival and Johnny Cash. That was classic.

"Five alarm chili, eh? One, two, this is two alarm chili, two-and-a-half at best!"

"I know! I just wanted to look like a big man in front of the kids."

"Are you going to jail, Daddy?"

"We'll see, son, we'll see."

"Legend has it he carved that spoon himself, from a bigger spoon!"

"Don't quit your day job, Chief, whatever that is."

C.Rag said...

AngryMan you toolbag...look at my comment.

here today, gone tomorrow said...


*wipes tears from eyes*

My fellow cubicle inmates can always tell when I'm blog browsing during lunch. Oh god...my diaphragm hurts from laughing!

Kerstin said...


Poor Frank.

Colonel Colonel said...

Everyone- let's have some chili! (but not Der Pope's chili, I'd stay away from that)

Sirdar said...

That is pretty funny. My wife doesn't make her chili too hot. If she adds pepper on anything, we have one kid who thinks its too hot. So, the chili ends up mild and we add our own hot sauce. Sometime my wife will take some out before she adds all the jallopenos and other spices.

Great laugh!!

anaglyph said...

Am I the only one starting to see a general profile arising among this corner of the blog-o-sphere™? Beer-drinkin', chilli-swillin', right-brain-thinkin', book-readin', laff-makin', Bush-burnin' reprobates?

SpagMonster's Teeth I could use a good chili right now! If my house wasn't in boxes I'd be cranking up the Aga and choppin' the chipotles!

AngryMan said...

Sorry, I didn't notice your comment. I skip whatever you write as it is, so I hope that you understand.

Colonel Colonel said...

Sirdar- yes, people various ability to put up with hotness can be an issue. I usually keep some extra chili on the side.

Reverend- Good observation!

Angryman- there are people actually reading all this?

Beach Bum said...

Wish my brother's venison chili didn't require me to listen to his his evangelical preaching about the rapture. His chili is great and if my other brother and I can sneak away to my car for beer every now and then the alcohol helps numb out the sermon.