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Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Wednesday News Headlines You May Have Missed-


I suppose that most of you have already heard that Barack Obama was elected to the Presidency last night, but our crack staff at MMB has been hard at work and, having finished off all the beer, have found a few other election-related stories the major media seems to have missed-

George Bush told reporters this morning that he has offered his congratulations to "that other guy, the one who, yuh know, beat John McCain, the same John McCain who was a prisoner of war and has served his country all his life, and uh, well, you know, I guess the country just got all Democratized on us and we gotta roll up our arms and fool me twice, right, you know? Anyone have a pretzel? I wanna give that Obama guy a pretzel."

A spokesman for Governor Sarah Palin announced that as the Governor was packing in her Arizona hotel room this morning she found an entire box full of "g"'s she has been dropping for the last two months. The spokesman said the "g's will be donated to poor, g-deprived Republicans in George Bush's home state of Texas.

Joe The (not really a) Plumber has issued a press release stating that he never liked John McCain that much anyway, and that his new 'Joe the Plumber Action Figures(tm) are now available on his website, and that his new country single, "I've Got a Plunger for You, Baby", will be available at Wal*Mart next week.

Conservative columnist Michelle Malkin notes in her column this morning that, after a full twelve hours as President-elect, "B. Hussein Obama" has not yet solved the financial crisis, made America energy-independent, or attacked Iran, and termed his Presidency "a miserable failure".

Vice President-for-Life Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment, but trucks of canned food, bottled water, and rolls of barbed wire have reportedly been streaming into the Vice President's compound since midnight last night.

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney told reporters last night that he's moving to "either Iowa or New Hampshire, or maybe both" and will begin campaigning for the 2012 election tomorrow, taking a firm stand on "all the issues that are important to everybody, whatever the polls, I mean the people, tell me they want me to be for, which I already am anyway, 100%, and always was, even when I wasn't".

Tina Fey was last seen doing blueberry jello shots in Times Square, table-dancing nude with Susan Sarandon and burning her Sarah Palin wig.

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CONGRATULATIONS, AMERICA! YES WE CAN!

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16 comments:

moooooog35 said...

You lost me at 'nude Susan Sarandon.'

Jesus Christ, man...I've only had one cup of coffee and you're throwing that shit at me.

Colonel Colonel said...

Sorry man, I wasn't thinking.

Hungry Mother said...

Thanks for the update, I went to bed after Obama's speech last night.

Colonel Colonel said...

That's what we're here for, as long as the beer lasts.

Malach the Merciless said...

HOLY CRAP. OBAMA IS BLACK! NO ONE TOLD ME THAT!

moooooog35 said...

Malach, Obama is not black, he's mulatto.

Mulatto, I believe, is the new size of coffee you can get at Starbucks.

This may explain why his followers were so freaky.

C.Rag said...

I do wish we could see Obama as a true American, a mix of different races & cultures instead of just the FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT. I hope that is the next racial divide we overcome.
The future does seem brighter, doesn't it?

Catalyst said...

I saw Jesse Jackson crying his eyes out in Grant Park during Obama's speech last night. But commentators didn't say whether he was overcome with emotion at Obama's victory . . . or sobbing with sadness that it wasn't him!

Joey Polanski said...

Wif Obama, YES, WE CAN!

Wif Sarah Palin, YEAH, I AWREADY DID!

Cissy Strutt said...

So glad for you guys. We might even start liking you again.

Vegemite For All !!

anaglyph said...

Woah! Obama got in? Damn internet censorship laws we have now. They're trying to hide everything from us.

(Seriously - congrats guys, you really needed a break).

Colonel Colonel said...

Malach: He's BLACK?!?!!? OMG, WHAT HAVE WE DONE!?!?!?!?!

Moooooog: That's ok, apparently he's still not a US citizen, according to the Freepers. Starbucks will be withdrawing that size, and replacing it with the Pailin Pail Gulp.

C.Rag: So much brighter, i am still mentally processing it. Did you see Doonesbury today? Some papers ran a re-run, if yours was about fast food, Google Doonesbury and read today's real strip. It says it all.

Catalyst: i saw him tearing up, but I think it was because Oprah just gave him a wedgie.

Joey: just like you to be so gracious to the candidate you lostski to.

Cissy: FEEEEED ME!!!!

Reverend: You have no idea. After the last two elections we were quite convinced we would never win anything ever again, to say nothing of having an actually inspirational, talented candidate. He's our generation's JFK, though it will end better. God or Goddess willing. I do have to say, while watching his acceptance speech last night, there was a corner of my brain repeating "please, nobody shoot him, please, nobody shoot him...". I fear that no matter how good it is, it will be an uneasy 4 years.

Mike said...

It's all a big fat lie. Fox News says McCain is really the president.

Barack is going back to Hollywood to see if he can revive his role as Bart in Blazing Saddles II.

nerdgirlsspace said...

Even Canadian eyes were glued to the t.v. last night!

Atlas Cerise said...

Polanski in 2012. Get ready.

moooooog35 said...

"Palin Pail Gulp?"

Sounds like a dream I had the other night.