Tuesday, March 04, 2008

I Know It Must Be True, I Read It On The Internets-

This campaign season has been very confusing for me. So many facts flying around, and debates, and all that crap. But like the song says, I'm just a Simple Man, so I decided to go up on the web and find out the truth about the candidates without being distracted by irrelevant stuff, like the candidates themselves. What I learned was really eye-opening let me tell you, and I am so glad that I decided to become an Informed Voter.

So, for those of you voting today, or who may vote in the future, here is some of what I learned on the interwebs-

-Barack Obama is a secret Muslim who was recruited by Osama Bin Laden to become President, and once he does he is going to burn all our Bibles and make Scarlett Johansen wear a burkah.

-Hillary Clinton wants to take away all our guns and sell America to the United Nations.

-John McCain is actually a secret agent for the Red Chinese.

-Hillary Clinton will only appoint lesbians to the Supreme Court, and she's going to paint the White House pink.

-John McCain is Ted Kennedy's secret gay boy-toy.

-Barack Obama's willingness to talk to foreign leaders we don't like will destroy America, turn our kids into Muslims, and give us all scabbies.

-Barack Obama flew one of the planes into the World Trade Center.

-John McCain is really no different than Dennis Kucinich, even though Kucinich has a hotter wife.

Hillary Clinton cut off Bill's balls and had them surgically implanted in her you-know-what.

Mike Huckabee is a nut job. (well, I actually knew that before I went on the internets).

I hope you found this as educational as I did. I am going to go vote for Chuck Norris now.


moooooog35 said...

You had me at "Scarlett Johansen wearing a burkah."

...this is also the part you lost me...

In my daydream, I was the camel she was riding.

Phoebe Fay said...

Don't forget the part about John McCain wearing Hillary's underwear. Also, Obama has been in secret negotiations with the Planet Zagbah for a post-inaugural invasion. And Hillary uses the blood of aborted fetuses to keep her skin wrinkle-free.

Thank the lard we got these tubes to keep us informed!

anaglyph said...

Oh, it's SO right.

The US wages a war against Osama Bin Laden, who then disappears into hiding and they can't find him. Then he turns up in America running for president (I mean Osama/Obama? C'mon guys!)

You know it's true. And if it isn't, it should be.

Colonel Colonel said...

Moooog: Now there's a mental image.

Phoebe: I wasn't going to bring up the Planet Zagbah. Is anyone supposed to know about that yet?

Reverend: And nobody has ever seen both Osama Bin Laden and Osama bin Hussein Mohammed Obama in the same place at the at time- that's certainly proof they are the same guy.

Hungry Mother said...

I think that it's SJP that needs the burkah.

Also, BREAKING NEWS: Huckster is a fucked nut.

Malach the Merciless said...

Your forgot two

Barack Obama is black

Hillary Cliton is a woman

Beach Bum said...

-Hillary Clinton will only appoint lesbians to the Supreme Court, and she's going to paint the White House pink.

I demand open televised access to ALL future Supreme Court closed door discussions!

KellyNerd said...

I couldn't get past the appointing only lesbians to the Supreme Court! It was such a fantastic idea in my mind, I didnt need to read anymore!! =)

Malicious Intent said...

Whew, I am soooo gald you cleared all of that up for me. Now I can go from rocking back and forth for hours at a time while drooling to just drooling.

Now can you help me with the voices?? They are really getting bitchy.

AngryMan said...

I voted for Stallone.

C.Rag said...

Ron Paul will save us all!

Colonel Colonel said...

HungryMo: Farewell, Mike Huckabee, we'll miss you. Well, ok, not really.

Malach: You have proof?

Beach Bum: They may be pay-per-view.

Kelly: I think it's great idea. Portia di Rossi would make a smokin' hot Justice.

M.I.: The voices are real.

Angryman: What? Sly is soooo gone. Bruce Willis could kick his butt.

C.Rag: What's he up to these days? I could use a laugh or two.

Thomas said...

You had better vote for Chuck Norris or he will kick your ass!!!!
He has one presidential requisite, A ranch in TEXAS!!!!!!!!!!!

I am moving to Venezuela so I can vote for Hugo Chavez