This campaign season has been very confusing for me. So many facts flying around, and debates, and all that crap. But like the song says, I'm just a Simple Man, so I decided to go up on the web and find out the truth about the candidates without being distracted by irrelevant stuff, like the candidates themselves. What I learned was really eye-opening let me tell you, and I am so glad that I decided to become an Informed Voter.
So, for those of you voting today, or who may vote in the future, here is some of what I learned on the interwebs-
-Barack Obama is a secret Muslim who was recruited by Osama Bin Laden to become President, and once he does he is going to burn all our Bibles and make Scarlett Johansen wear a burkah.
-Hillary Clinton wants to take away all our guns and sell America to the United Nations.
-John McCain is actually a secret agent for the Red Chinese.
-Hillary Clinton will only appoint lesbians to the Supreme Court, and she's going to paint the White House pink.
-John McCain is Ted Kennedy's secret gay boy-toy.
-Barack Obama's willingness to talk to foreign leaders we don't like will destroy America, turn our kids into Muslims, and give us all scabbies.
-Barack Obama flew one of the planes into the World Trade Center.
-John McCain is really no different than Dennis Kucinich, even though Kucinich has a hotter wife.
Hillary Clinton cut off Bill's balls and had them surgically implanted in her you-know-what.
Mike Huckabee is a nut job. (well, I actually knew that before I went on the internets).
I hope you found this as educational as I did. I am going to go vote for Chuck Norris now.
13 comments:
You had me at "Scarlett Johansen wearing a burkah."
...this is also the part you lost me...
In my daydream, I was the camel she was riding.
Don't forget the part about John McCain wearing Hillary's underwear. Also, Obama has been in secret negotiations with the Planet Zagbah for a post-inaugural invasion. And Hillary uses the blood of aborted fetuses to keep her skin wrinkle-free.
Thank the lard we got these tubes to keep us informed!
Oh, it's SO right.
The US wages a war against Osama Bin Laden, who then disappears into hiding and they can't find him. Then he turns up in America running for president (I mean Osama/Obama? C'mon guys!)
You know it's true. And if it isn't, it should be.
Moooog: Now there's a mental image.
Phoebe: I wasn't going to bring up the Planet Zagbah. Is anyone supposed to know about that yet?
Reverend: And nobody has ever seen both Osama Bin Laden and Osama bin Hussein Mohammed Obama in the same place at the at time- that's certainly proof they are the same guy.
I think that it's SJP that needs the burkah.
Also, BREAKING NEWS: Huckster is a fucked nut.
Your forgot two
Barack Obama is black
Hillary Cliton is a woman
-Hillary Clinton will only appoint lesbians to the Supreme Court, and she's going to paint the White House pink.
I demand open televised access to ALL future Supreme Court closed door discussions!
I couldn't get past the appointing only lesbians to the Supreme Court! It was such a fantastic idea in my mind, I didnt need to read anymore!! =)
Whew, I am soooo gald you cleared all of that up for me. Now I can go from rocking back and forth for hours at a time while drooling to just drooling.
Now can you help me with the voices?? They are really getting bitchy.
I voted for Stallone.
Ron Paul will save us all!
HungryMo: Farewell, Mike Huckabee, we'll miss you. Well, ok, not really.
Malach: You have proof?
Beach Bum: They may be pay-per-view.
Kelly: I think it's great idea. Portia di Rossi would make a smokin' hot Justice.
M.I.: The voices are real.
Angryman: What? Sly is soooo gone. Bruce Willis could kick his butt.
C.Rag: What's he up to these days? I could use a laugh or two.
You had better vote for Chuck Norris or he will kick your ass!!!!
He has one presidential requisite, A ranch in TEXAS!!!!!!!!!!!
HAAHAHAAAAAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!
I am moving to Venezuela so I can vote for Hugo Chavez
TV
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