Monday, March 24, 2008

Kid's Books That Never Made It-

What can I say? Some ideas just don't sell, for a variety of mysterious reasons. Here are the titles of some children's books that never sold well...

"You Are Different, and That's Bad"

"The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables"

"Dad's New Wife- Robert"

"Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share"

"Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

'Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"

"All Cats Go to Hell"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly"

"That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption"

"The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator"

"The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way"

"You Were an Accident"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

"Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games"

"The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan"

"Your Nightmares Are Real"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Who Shat on Pat?"

"Horton Hires a Ho"


AngryMan said...

Had problems getting your works published, huh?

Colonel Colonel said...

I just don't get it. They even turned down "Mad Mike Mulligan and His Magic Woodchipper" and "Oh, The Places You'll Scratch and Sniff".

Cash said...

"All Cats Go to Hell"

This is my favorite book. I have the first edition signed by the author.


Colonel Colonel said...

I thought you wrote that one.

Cash said...

I'm a great revolutionary. I don't have time to write silly books for Hu-Man children.
That's for my slaves to do.


Malach the Merciless said...

"How To Turn Priests On"

Mike said...

Some Kittens Can Fly?

Must be a damned small percentage.

I've tried to make them fly. Trust me, I've tried.

Colonel Colonel said...

Cash: Silly me. But aren't Landlady and SpermDonor busy with other stuff? Maybe I can ghostwrite for you. I'm cheap and have no shame.

Malach: I live next to a Catholic church, and drink with the priest, so I didn't feel right making that joke. many thanks.

Mike: So has Cash. Be prepared for a call from the authorities.

Beach Bum said...

"You Were an Accident"
May have to explain that one to my son who got popped into the oven because my wife took a break from studying for her bar exam and wanted a quicky.

TED VELVET said...

I wrote a children's book that tries to explain the complex cycle of life to small children it's called, "You die, that's it"

Anonymous said...

Horton Hires a Ho... definitely one that shold hit the shelves!

Do you really own a bookstore? I think that would be the best life! There is a world famous bookstore for sale right now in the gay village in Vancouver. I would love to own it!

Anonymous said...

Horton Hires a Ho... definitely one that shold hit the shelves!

Do you really own a bookstore? I think that would be the best life! There is a world famous bookstore for sale right now in the gay village in Vancouver. I would love to own it!

Cissy Strutt said...

I loved The Velveteen Rabbit Gets Myxomatosis.

pissed off patricia said...

These tears of laughter running down my cheeks are your fault and some of your commenters too. God, those titles are funny.

Kerstin said...

Horton Hires a Ho! Oh. My. God. Priceless.

Thanks for the laugh.

Colonel Colonel said...

Beach Bum: Yeah, some of those 'quickie's' end up lasting years.

Ted: You are my new spiritual guide.

NerdGirl: Go for it! Although bookstores are in a point of dramatic transition these days. i work out of the house, and my bookblog is here.

Cissy: That was always a Classic, wasn't it?

PoP: Just wait for the videos...


Nursery rhymes for 21st Century kids would be good.

How about

"Daddy's got a wig wag
mummy's got a cunt,
Daddy wee wee's down his leg
and mummy out the front"

That's got to be a hit no?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

maaaan do i have some four letter words to share...

and the man in the moon IS satan.

Cissy Strutt said...

colonel, you've inspired me to go back to my childhood bookcase. I've been re-reading some old favourites, including Oh! The People You'll Do.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe that you wrote all those books...and none of them got published. You'd think one would have made it....like the Horton one.

Colonel Colonel said...

Kerstin: Horton was always a very educational inspiration to the kiddies.

Dinners: I think that one's ready for U-Tube.

T-Bird: I didn't know Dik Cheney was on the moon...

Cissy: Ah yes, another title from my wayward youth.

Sirdar: Publishers are just too narrow minded. And, you know, afraid of lawsuits and stuff.

moooooog35 said...

"People in vans are your friends"

"Yes, you CAN stick your finger there!" (a pop-up book)

AngryGinger said...

All of these are on my Amazon WishList.

I believe in starting early to get gifts.

Hungry Mother said...

I made up a story for my kids called "The Taking Tree."

Parad0x said...

"You don't have friends because you're ugly."

"When You Were Born, Mommy and Daddy Thought You Were A Girl"

Strangers have the best candy is one of my all-time faves.

Colonel Colonel said...

Mooog: I love those pop-up books the best.

AngryGinger: Way to go! Next week we'll give you a list of really cool videos to buy!

HungryMo: Awwwww!

ParadOx: Agreed. And folks say reading is boring.

Malicious Intent said...

Can I get some sort of bulk discount if I purchase all of those books? We really need better reading material around here and about half of those I really want for the bathroom.

Mrs. Chili said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! Horton Hires a Ho! I'm DYIN'!

Simply Curious said...

Wait a minute...you mean "The Pop up Book of Human Anatomy" was actually contraband? My babysitter told me everyone had it...

You have to see "Rejected. Basically the same idea, but with rejected cartoons instead of books. This guy actually sent
this in as educational children's cartoons. It's long and um, kind of disturbing, but you might get a kick out of it.