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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Now We Know-


Here at MMB we never take the news at face value. Our crack staff of researchers and investigators are always at their desks snoozing playing video poker working hard to get at the real, smelly underbelly of today's Top Stories as misreported by such disreputable rags as CNN and The New York Times.

We have uncovered highly-unlikely sensitive gossip information throwing light on what really went on in that airport bathroom stall between Senator Larry Craig and an undercover police officer.

We proudly present the Top Ten REAL reasons Senator Craig was acting so oddly-


10. The Senator had a dream that Arab terrorists were using that bathroom stall to pass around stolen nuclear bomb plans and as a Patriotic American he needed to check it out.

9. He belongs to a small sect of Pentacostals who commune with God by tapping and waving in bathroom stalls, and he's mad as heck that his Freedom of Religion has been tampered with.

8. It's all that damned Idaho Tribune's fault.

7. On further consideration, the Senator admits that if he's going to drink 12 cups of coffee before 10 am, he really should switch to decaf.

6. Two words: Nine-eleven.

5. The Senator would like to answer all your questions, but he feels he needs to spend more time with his family.

4. An undercover police officer? Up until last Wednesday that stall had always been Dick Cheney's favorite "undisclosed location".

3. People are jumping to conclusions- just because you plead guilty to soliciting sex in a men's rest room, that doesn't mean you're gay.

2. He was practicing to audition for 'So You Think You Can Dance!' next season because he thinks that Nigel Lythgoe Cat Deeley is totally hot.

1. It was all an innocent mistake- he thought the undercover officer was his meth dealer.

22 comments:

Phoebe Fay said...

Larry needs to visit Teddy Haggard (who knows all about confusing meth dealers and male prostitutes - it can happen to anyone). Teddy went to three weeks of therapy and now he's Not Gay at All! Teddy got it certified by God and everything!

Hey! God. Gay. Three letter words beginning with "G."

There's something funny goin' on 'round here.

Colonel Colonel said...

Phoebe- well, if he's got the certificate and all, it must be true. God doesn't give those away to just anyone, you know. I believe you have to be a Family Values Republican to get one.

Mike said...

Poor Larry. He's so misunderstood. Just because he thinks Bill Clinton is a "naughty, naughty, bad boy, and that gay marriage is evil, doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to solicit an undercover cop for homosexual sex.

I mean this is still Amerikkka, isn't it?

Mike said...

HAHAHA....you got spam.

Mike said...

Oh shit...you took it off.

Colonel Colonel said...

Mike- yeah, sorry, I had a knee-jerk reaction there. But you have a good point about Larry- people are getting upset about nothing -he wasn't going to marry the guy... I mean, you know, that would be wrong.

Sara Sue said...

Wonder how Larry's wife feels about the *sanctity* of their marriage?

Colonel Colonel said...

Sara- if Larry has any sense at all (what am I saying?) he'll be removing all sharp "slicing"-capable knives from the house...

Malach the Merciless said...

He was just comparing sizes

Colonel Colonel said...

Malach- It's so wrong when a guy gets criticised for having a hobby.

Joey Polanski said...

Reasn #10 is nothin to laff about.

I hear ol Larr has uncoverd many a warhead-tippd cruise missile in many a Mens Room stall.

Kerstin said...

I think what's bothering me most about this whole thing is his initial response "I overreacted and made a poor decision."

Which begs the question: How many things has he "overreacted and made poor decisions" about on the senate floor?

*Sigh.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Ah, thanks for clearing that up, colonel colonel. (I'm off to watch game #2 in that series...)

anaglyph said...

It's kinda peculiar that he didn't try for the ol' amnesia ploy, which has worked so well for so many in the past...

'I'm sorry Your Honour - I have no recollection of ever being in that men's room...'

anaglyph said...

Oh, and is it just me, being a foreigner & all, or does Sen. Craig bear a striking resemblance to a famous actor?

anaglyph said...

Actually, I just read the police transcript of events linked from Phoebe Fay's and Senator Craig did play the amnesia card!

During the interview, Craig either disagreed with me or "didn't recall" the events as they happened"

Colonel Colonel said...

Joey- I heard he was now referring to them as "Weapons of Mass Destruction".

Kerstin- I know. Thank God such mindless over-reactors never get to be Presidink.

HTGT- My pleasure. And, um, about that game...

Reverend- I'd missed that. This is why folks like Jon Stewart will eventually go belly up- these days no matter how far you take the joke, the Reality is always stupider.

Colonel Colonel said...

And hey, that response means that Senator Craig is qualified to be the new Attorney General.

AngryMan said...

When you hyphenate two words, it becomes one word. Please alter number six before the grammar police come after you.

Colonel Colonel said...

Angryman- while I deeply respect the Rules of Grammar, and you are absolutely correct, that's a direct quote from innumerable Republicans, and exactly the way they say it:

"Two Words: Nine-Eleven".

What can I say? We knew they had the iqs of rocks when we elected, um, got stuck with them.

Colonel Colonel said...

Sorry- i.q.'s.

Although their "iq" factor's prety high, too.

AngryMan said...

COME ON!!!