Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Duck Doodles-

Back some years ago, in another lifetime, I raised ducks as a hobby. I lived beside a nice stream, and in addition to a dozen or so domestic ducks, there were usually a few hundred wild mallards hanging out, especially in the wintertime. I'd go through about a hundred pounds of cracked corn a week...

One fun thing to do with the ducks was make "Duck Doodles" in the wintertime. All you need to make a Duck Doodle is about ten pounds of cracked corn, 200-300 ducks, and a second floor window to view your work from. You decide what word you want to write, and then quickly sprinkle the corn on the ground in letters about three-feet high. The eating ducks will fill in all the letters, and you have a living, wiggling Duck Doodle. Unfortunately I never got a picture of one of the Duck Doodles.

All that is by way of introduction to this little ditty I wrote at some point during my duck-raising career, and which I offer today because it's so damned hot and humid that I swear I just saw a duck paddle by three feet off the ground-

My Momma has a duck,
she wears it like a hat!
I'd really, really rather
my Momma had a cat.

I wish she had a kitten,
named Rose or Friar Tuck.
A cuddly, bubbly kitten-
but no. She has a duck.

My Momma's duck lives in the house,
it eats with us at meals.
When Aunt Bernice saw that one night,
she made an awful squeal.

My Momma's duck is big and white,
and Poppa's awful pleased
she doesn't take it to bed at night,
'cause feathers make him sneeze.

My Momma takes her duck for walks,
she talks to it for hours,
she lets it on the couch, and (once)
she put it in the shower.

My Momma has a lovely duck,
I can't complain 'bout that...
It's just I'd really, really, rather
my Momma had a cat.


Sara Sue said...

Sung to the tune of ~Colonel cracked corn and I don't care~

I just know this lovely little ditty is going to produce some fantastic limericks in the comments! Can't wait! Where is everyone?

Colonel Colonel said...

Sara- if the weather elsewhere is anything like it is here, they are flat on their backs with an i.v. drip of several gallons of ice-cold lemonade.

But yeah! C'mon everyone- pitch in and GET DITTY!

i mean, y'know, there must be a few things that rhyme with "duck"...

Mike said...

I just wish you would have gotten a picture of it. That would have been great.

Phoebe Fay said...

Colonel - The breadth and depth of your talents never cease to amaze me!

Catalyst said...

I know a guy named Colonel
Who rhymes about Mom's duck,
I'll say one thing for Colonel,
He's got a lot of pluck!

Colonel Colonel said...

Mike- I've always regretted that. It was just a year or so before I got my first didgital camera. Nowadays it would be a u-tube video hit.

Phoebe- "talents", yes, thank you. That's a much better word than those chosen by a few other folks at the time.

Catalyst- yes, "pluck" rhymes with "duck" too. But don't say it out loud too near them, or they get nervous.

Lynn Wienck said...

and one other.

Colonel Colonel said...

lynn- yes, one other word rhymes with "duck". THAT one. The one nobody will say.




Gorgonzola also rhymes with "duck" if you put the accent on the right syllable. Go ahead- try it. I think you'll be surprised.

Parad0x said...

I'm down:

I had a duck named Molly
A bother - that she was
I'd smack her in the head and then
she'd bite me - JUST BECAUSE!

I tried to give her HUGE hugs
and scratch her on her rear
But after several days of this
She wouldn't let me near!

She jumped, hopped, hopped, jumped
Bit, bucked, ripped and roared and quacked!
I finally got so pissed off that I punched her in her back!

This blow seemed quite debilitating
but I had to be sure
So I swiftly found a new weapon -
a large back of manure!

As I thought - "Well that's not nice!"
She began to make a din!
So I shot that duck with a .45
To make sure I did her in!

I love ducks - but the one in my poem was PURE evil. I would know - I made it up!

Here's hoping this is taken as sick humor and not the ravings of an animal torturing maniac!


Cissy Strutt said...

To cross a valley without getting mucked
Locate or build a viaduct.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

I love the poem! That's all I got.

Mybrid said...

I left you something on my blog. :-)

here today, gone tomorrow said...

P.S. I think that poem would make a great kid's book. I can see the illustrations for it in my head...

Mybrid said...

HTGT, do you hear voices in your head as well?

Colonel Colonel said...

paradOx- welcome! and not to worry- evil ducks, like evil anything, need to be dealt with.

Cissy- short and sweet, and a good way to deal with duck muck, which can really suck.

htgt- thanks! all we need is an illustrator.

mybrid- AAwww!!!! That's very VERY cute! One of the best parts of having those ducks was when the wild mama mallards would bring their wild baby mallards up to feed, and they'd come up and eat corn out of my hand.

and, um, are you, like, saying those voices are a bad thing?

Joey Polanski said...

Duck, Duck, Goose, Goose!

Guillotine, or th noose?

You yerself can choose th winnr,

Cause, eithr way, its good fer dinnr.

Colonel Colonel said...


Goose, goose! duck, duck!
Either one is good to pluck,
if dinner is a goose or duck,
then settle in, 'cause you're in luck!

Joey Polanski said...

Instead o havin goose & duck,

Id rathr have some duck & goose.

And aftr dinnr, whos in luck?

Its ME, if my dates fuckin loose!

Colonel Colonel said...

If Joey's treatin' for dinner,
the brunettes and redheads are winners,
He'll stuff them with duck,
and [censored] to [censored] [censored]
[censored censored censored]

Joey Polanski said...