As the minutes tick down toward the official midnight release of the last Harry Potter book, the secrets of the final plots twists and the fates of the main characters seem to be leaking out all over the internet. But all the other stories you have read are lies. Through our own highly-placed MMB Spy Network, we have learned the truth about Book Seven. For those who do not want to know, stop here. For the rest of you, here is how the book really ends-
Albus Dumbledore makes numerous appearances, flung across the back of Lucius Malfoy, crying "I'm not dead yet!"
Severus Snape sells Hogwarts to Wal*mart which renames it Wal*Warts.
Voldemort starts a second career as a rabidly right-wing syndicated talk radio host.
Hermione gets addicted to painkillers, enters rehab, and becomes a Scientologist.
Buckbeak gets rabies and eats Hagrid.
Professor McGonagall resigns in disgrace after it is revealed that she moonlights as "The Whipmaster Hilda" in an after-hours show at the Leaky Cauldron.
The Dursleys make $6 million selling 10-square-inch chunks of their house on Ebay.
Harry and Ron move to Boston, get married, and open an antique shop.