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Friday, July 20, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: Harry Potter Spoiler!!


As the minutes tick down toward the official midnight release of the last Harry Potter book, the secrets of the final plots twists and the fates of the main characters seem to be leaking out all over the internet. But all the other stories you have read are lies. Through our own highly-placed MMB Spy Network, we have learned the truth about Book Seven. For those who do not want to know, stop here. For the rest of you, here is how the book really ends-


Albus Dumbledore makes numerous appearances, flung across the back of Lucius Malfoy, crying "I'm not dead yet!"

Severus Snape sells Hogwarts to Wal*mart which renames it Wal*Warts.

Voldemort starts a second career as a rabidly right-wing syndicated talk radio host.

Hermione gets addicted to painkillers, enters rehab, and becomes a Scientologist.

Buckbeak gets rabies and eats Hagrid.

Professor McGonagall resigns in disgrace after it is revealed that she moonlights as "The Whipmaster Hilda" in an after-hours show at the Leaky Cauldron.

The Dursleys make $6 million selling 10-square-inch chunks of their house on Ebay.

and...

Harry and Ron move to Boston, get married, and open an antique shop.

16 comments:

Lynn Wienck said...

I am so disappointed; I figured Severus Snape would weary of teaching hormonal teenage wizards in a boarding school and seek refuge in the warm sunshine and fresh air of California.

Colonel Colonel said...

Lynn- actually, with what Snape made selling Hogwarts to Wal*Mart, he bought a nice portion of southern California.

Sara Sue said...

I guess I'm the only freak in the world who isn't into Harry Potter. Everyone made such a big deal out of it that I decided not to take part. (oooh I'm such a protester!)

Thanks for the spoiler, this way I don't have to read any of them!

Colonel Colonel said...

Sara- what?!!? You will not be camped out at a bookstore tonight for the 12:01 book release?

Actually, I suspect you are not the only non-Harry person who will appear here today.

But using our primer you can still talk about the book and nobody will ever know you didn't read it.

DumbleDee said...

Ahah..

Sara, u must be the FIFTH person i met in cyberspace who said s/he's not into Harry Potter, so that's not quite like being the only one.

There's another cool book, Hairy Otter, coming out some time in the future. You might like that one, and I'd be pleased to sign my autograph on your copy.

Colonel Colonel said...

Dumbledee- yes, that would be 'Hairy Otter and the Sesame Scone' right?

Catalyst said...

Sara Sue - I, too, have abstained from PotterMania. Though with all of the recent hype, I've been re-thinking that decision.

Hmmm, Harry Potter Anonymous: if you feel yourself reaching for one of the books, call your sponsor and he'll come to your house and get drunk with you. I like that!

Joey Polanski said...

Harry Pottr was th commandr o th 4077th, wunt ee?

Mike said...

Well Sara Sue, you are not the only one holding out on the whole Harry Potter craze. I have also resisted the whole mess.

I guess I am just not into all that wizardry.

Sirdar said...

I'm OK with the spoiler...I'm probably not going to read it anyway as I don't read a lot of books. Hope the book is better than the movie!

Sara Sue said...

OK ... now this is from the hip ... but if she kills Harry off, can't she still go back to writing the stories after she runs out of money by writing him back in with wizardry? I mean ... if it was good enough for "Dallas", why not Potter?

Colonel Colonel said...

Catalyst- Actually, the books improve when you've had a few.

Joey- yes, he certainly was. For extra points, what was the name of his horse?

Mike- Maybe you'll join our "Harry Potter for Presidink" campaign, because after 8 years of AssHead, nothing but a magic wand is gonna clean up the whole mess.

Sirdar- ohmygod... there's a movie???

Sara- killing characters and then bringing them back has a long and honored history- Sherlock Holmes was the first, I think. Didn't they kill SouperMan last year? I'm betting he doesn't stay dead.

Joey Polanski said...

Pottrs horse was namd 'Sophistry'.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

PotterManiac here...loved these spoilers, especially the first one.

Colonel Colonel said...

HTGT- Welcome, and thanks! I have to admit, I have not yet started #7, as I am re-reading 5 and 6 to have everything totally clear in my mind.

I was wondering how many folks would "get" #1 in my list...

Kerstin said...

Maybe I should have just come here. This spoiler was a helluva lot more entertaining than the last book.