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Monday, July 02, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: July 2nd, 2027

The Supreme Court ruled in favor of Paris Hilton today in her landmark trademark infringement suit against Paris, France, which, according to an opinion written by Chief Justice John Roberts, will now be known in the English-speaking world as "Smaller-than-Texas, France". Roberts' opinion went on to state that he thinks Paris(tm) Hilton is "really hot", and asked her to give him a call.

Roger Clemens pitched 6 shutout innings and struck out his grandson, Josiah Clemens, as he propelled the New York Yankees to an 11-3 win over the Los-Angeles-Anaheim-Santa-Cruz-Toledo Angels today. 64-year old Clemens, who ended his annual "Retirement" for the 23rd straight year last month, needs just 3 more wins to hit the 700-win mark.

Vice-President Dick Cheney's office announced that the $650 million, taxpayer-funded Vice Presidential Library has been completed, but refused a Senate request to say where it is today, citing "National Security issues". President Jenna Bush, when asked for a comment, put down her beer and said, "well, yeah, like, I've never even seen the guy either. What's a libriry?".

Apple Inc. introduced its' long-awaited the I-Life machine today. Even though nobody really understands how it works, what it does, or why they need one, thousands of people lined up outside AppleLife stores in major cities around the world today to buy the first copies, priced at $3500 each (software & peripherals not included).

Bagdhad was quiet today after several nights of rioting over the latest decree, mandating that all women wear feather boas, from Emperor Rupert Murdoch I. The latest controversy comes on the sixteenth anniversary of Murdoch's purchase of the troubled Middle Eastern country from Enron.

11 comments:

Mike said...

By the time 2027 rolls around, I will probably need me one of those I-Life machines.

Joey Polanski said...

Coud be worse ...

... Jenna Bush couda appointd Paris Hilton to th Supreme Court.

Colonel Colonel said...

Mike- I may ask to borrow yours when you're not using it.

Joey- Jenna made the offer, but Paris bought France instead, proclaimed herself Queen and named its' capital after herself.

Sara Sue said...

"Emperor Rupert Murdoch I" bwahahahahahahaha!

Colonel Colonel said...

Sara- better Emperor Rupert than Princess Jena. Or Bang-Master Dick...

Lynn Wienck said...

Where, may I ask, does all of this leave Paris, Texas?

Colonel Colonel said...

I believe that in 2027 Paris, Texas is in the southern part of The Great Inland Sea. It's a good area for shrimping.

Joey Polanski said...

"Let them eat Paris."

-- Marie Antoinetteski

Arthur Quiller Couch said...

Brilliance.

Sideon said...

The downfall of the world we knew started with the feather boa.

Brilliant post!

Colonel Colonel said...

Joey- well, yes, that was also an issue...

AQC- Many thanks!

Sideon- thanks, and yes, I believe you are correct. Especially when Condi wears it for George. And especially especially when George wears it for Condi.