Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Is that your car in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Car names have always fascinated and appalled me. Back when I was a kid they at least made some sort of sense- you had a variety of animals such as the Impala, or things you could do, like the Rambler. But then things began to go south. VW came out with the “Golf”. I mean, wtf? Worse things came as car manufacturers discarded the actual language completely and began to make up words- Lumina. What the Hell is that?

Some names these days are frighteningly accurate- the Chevy ‘Suburban’, for instance, or the Ford ‘Expedition’ (yeah, like anyone who buys one actually goes on one). Some seem to be taking their buyers for such idiots they end up being simply silly- the Dodge ‘Caliber’ & ‘Nitro’, the Ford ‘Edge’, Nissan ‘Maxima’, or the Jeep ‘Patriot’.

And then there are the made-up names, which get weirder each year- Cadillac ‘Escalade’, Mitsubushi ‘Galant’, Nissan ‘Altima’, Toyota ‘Yaris’, VW ‘Eos’ and ‘Touareg’.


So I decided to have a contest. I'm sure we can all come up with better names than the crap out there now. Here are my modest entries-


* Acurra Agressa
* Ford Phalanx
* Toyota Rollova
* Chevy Guzzla

Luxury Cars

* Cadillac Mobsta
* Mercedes Indebta
* Mitsubishi Exclusiva

Sports Cars

* Porsche Testes
* Ford Phallus
* Lexus Wannabe
* Mazda Mefirsta
* Pontiac Pissoff


Phoebe Fay said...

Good ones!

Nobody's ever named a car the name I would give a car. The Zippy! A Toyota Zippy... doesn't that just ooze cute and fun? That's what I want.

Or a Zoom Zoom. I would get me a little Mazda ZoomZoom!

Colonel Colonel said...

Phoebe- I'd buy a Zippy!, especially if it came with that cute exclamation point at the end. Sorry. At the end!

Kerstin said...

How about:

Yugo Nowhere
Saab Becauseipaidtoomuch

Why can't we just say "The pretty blue one" and everyone know what we're talking about? *Sigh

Colonel Colonel said...

Kerstin- Perfect, I love the Yugo name, and your Saab entry for some reason reminds me of that hot new car, the Volvo WontGo. Maybe Saab should have stuck to airplanes.

Colonel Colonel said...

Oops, Kerstin also reminds me of my other peeve about cars these days- you can get one in any color, as long as its some shade of gray.

I remember when a parking lot looked like a bag of M&Ms.

Mike said...

I suppose this all explains why I drive a Dodge.

catalyst said...

I have two Dodges - a Dynasty and a Neon. I'd say they should both be named Dodge Damnits.

catalyst said...

My favorite car name currently is the Porsche Cayenne. But how did an SUV become named for a hot pepper?

Colonel Colonel said...

Catalyst- I do soooo want to say "WE HAVE A WINNAH!"

-but I'll wait...

J. Alfred Prufrock said...

Sorry to nit-pick, but there ARE Touaregs. Blue-eyed Bedou. Remember Biggles?

As for cars, how about naming them Bomb and Bush?


Colonel Colonel said...

J.A.P.- well, I'll be damned. I couldn't even manage to spell it...