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Sunday, April 02, 2006

Silly Sunday...

From our archives, original origin unknown. This may help to explain the basic difference between men and women.

Let's say a guy named Rob is attracted to a woman named Carol. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Carol, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Carol, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Rob is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Carol is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Rob is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Carol is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed--even before I sensed it--that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Rob is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Carol is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Rob is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Carol is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Rob is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their....

"Rob," Carol says aloud.

"What?" says Rob, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...Oh God, I feel so...." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Rob, thoroughly confused.

"I'm such a fool," Carol sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Rob, perplexed.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Carol says.

"No!" says Rob, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Carol says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Rob, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

(Carol, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Rob, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" asks Rob.

"That way about time," says Carol.

"Oh," says Rob, "Yeah, sure."

(Carol turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Rob," she says.

"Thank you," says Rob, unsure what else to say.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Rob gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Estonians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Rob's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Carol will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Rob, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Carol's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Ross, did Carol ever own a horse?"

7 comments:

Mike said...

And the funniest (or saddest) part of this story is the amount of truth there is in the whole thing.

Phoebe Fay said...

And now all the women in blogland can wonder, why did the Colonel post this? What is he trying to say? Why was the horse wearing pink flippers? Does the horse represent his feelings about blogging? Does the car represent his mother? Does he still have unresolved issues? Is he reaching out for help? We'll be discussing it for weeks!

Colonel Colonel said...

Ummm... what horse?

CKW said...

I didn't see anything about a horse, but I remembered I need to change my transmission fluid (gosh, almost said tranny-fluid here and I'm getting to know how this crowd two-steps.) Thanks Col, I forgot about that transmission fluid and the break fluid too.

Oh, what was that blog about?

CKW said...

break fluid/brake fluid - PF BEHAVE!

Colonel Colonel said...

mike- truth is stranger than fiction... and it's all nuts.

phebes- I dunno. Want a chip? Beer?

ckw- until we moved last year we actually lived about six blocks from the Car Talk guys garage. They fixed a starting problem we were having that had baffled three other garages.

general question- why the fuck do I gotta do word verification for my own fucking blog?

Pyxca- sounds like a sugary candy, or a new Toyota mini.

CKW said...

I've heard of the car talk guys but not real familiar with 'em. Things are so different between the east coast and the rest of the country.

I just figured my response would be funny, like 'huh?' I'm a guy why should I read/pay attention to all that emotion/feeling crap between "Its been six months." and Did carol ever have a horse?

I gotta go find more pictures to put up.