Thursday, January 31, 2008

It Is What It Is...

I swear to God, if I hear one more person complain that the candidates are not addressing the issues, I am going to go Nuclear Ballistic... and as the Homeland Insecurity guys know, I have the means not to do it.

I have further thoughts about the current campaign over on Mulligrubbers. But, you know it is going to be Romney vs. Hillary, yes? Yes. ok.

For some reason I feel like it's Friday. I am concerned. Where is Sara Sue?

I hope all the free-marketers out there took a look at Malach's post today about mortgages.

But, most of all I hope that all of you who think that you HATE country music, please, say you hate Shania...

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Waist Deep In The Big Muddy

Well, we ended up not watching The Decider last night, instead we watched a new show on Discovery where they blow things up. Very cool. I did notice this morning that according to news reports, and a few tape excerpts I heard, anyone playing the 'State of the Union Drinking Game' by the normal rules would have been three-sheets-to-the-wind within the first 20 minutes. Hell, a single sentence where he mentioned War, Terrorists and Iraq would have got you halfway there all by itself.

So, in honor of Our Clueless Leader and all the little lemmings who merrily follow him off the cliff, I present-

[My thanks to Gods for pointing out that of course there's a video available of this]

It was back in nineteen forty-two,
I was a member of a good platoon.
We were on maneuvers in-a Loozianna,
One night by the light of the moon.
The captain told us to ford a river,
That's how it all begun.
We were -- knee deep in the Big Muddy,
But the big fool said to push on.

The Sergeant said, "Sir, are you sure,
This is the best way back to the base?"
"Sergeant, go on! I forded this river
'Bout a mile above this place.
It'll be a little soggy but just keep slogging.
We'll soon be on dry ground."
We were -- waist deep in the Big Muddy
And the big fool said to push on.

The Sergeant said, "Sir, with all this equipment
No man will be able to swim."
"Sergeant, don't be a Nervous Nellie,"
The Captain said to him.
"All we need is a little determination;
Men, follow me, I'll lead on."
We were -- neck deep in the Big Muddy
And the big fool said to push on.

All at once, the moon clouded over,
We heard a gurgling cry.
A few seconds later, the captain's helmet
Was all that floated by.
The Sergeant said, "Turn around men!
I'm in charge from now on."
And we just made it out of the Big Muddy
With the captain dead and gone.

We stripped and dived and found his body
Stuck in the old quicksand.
I guess he didn't know that the water was deeper
Than the place he'd once before been.
Another stream had joined the Big Muddy
'Bout a half mile from where we'd gone.
We were lucky to escape from the Big Muddy
When the big fool said to push on.

Well, I'm not going to point any moral;
I'll leave that for yourself
Maybe you're still walking, you're still talking
You'd like to keep your health.
But every time I read the papers
That old feeling comes on;
We're -- waist deep in the Big Muddy
And the big fool says to push on.

Waist deep in the Big Muddy
And the big fool says to push on.
Waist deep in the Big Muddy
And the big fool says to push on.
Waist deep! Neck deep! Soon even a
Tall man'll be over his head, we're
Waist deep in the Big Muddy!
And the big fool says to push on!

Words and music by Pete Seeger (1967)

Monday, January 28, 2008

State of the Union Drinking Game

Yes, fellow campers, it's THAT time of year again, when the clown who runs this great land of ours gets up and pulls a bunch of lies out of his ass updates us on the State of the Union. Usually we post a set of rules for a State of the Union Drinking Game, such as you might find here, with rules such as "Every time Bush uses the phrase Progress in Iraq take one shot".

However, after last year's debacle, which found yours truly face down in a snowy gutter at 2 a.m. the next morning, two empty bottles of bourbon at his side, I'm going to try playing the game a bit differently. Thinking about what's really going on in the country is enough to make one get shitfaced any night of the year, so this time my feeling is, if I'm going to get shitfaced, it might as well be for a good purpose. So I'm altering the rules slightly. I therefore present my

2008 State of the Union Drinking Game:

Take 1 shot every time:

-Bush speaks three consecutive sentences without making a grammatical error or grossly mispronouncing something in a "folksy" way.

-Bush says "Democratic Congress" instead of "Democrat Congress".

-Bush uses the word "Bi-Partisan".

-Bush goes an entire paragraph without using any of the following words-

Take 2 shots if Bush says:

-"But you know, the rich folks in this country don't need any more tax cuts."

-"But however important Iraq is, the infrastructure of our country is more important"

-"I may have been wrong about Vladimir Putin"

-"I just wanted to point out that I do actually know how to pronounce the word 'nuclear' "

Down the entire bottle if Bush says:

-"Yes, I mis-led you all about I-Raq, and I'm sorry"

-"And so I have asked Vice-President Cheney for his resignation"

-"All American troops will be home from Iraq before I leave office"

-"It's time this country stopped coddling the big oil companies and got serious about alternative energy sources"

-"You know, I think Hillary would make a great President!"

-"OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO AMERICA!?!" (and breaks down sobbing)

I know, I know, I fully expect to end the night stone-cold sober, but hey, I can dream, can't I?

Sunday, January 27, 2008

What Goes Up, Must Come Down-

Just as we were finally breathing a sigh of relief about that asteroid not hitting earth this week, this morning we wake up to news that there's something else out there, and this one is not going to miss-

Satellite 'the size of a bus' could crash to Earth


A large spy satellite is out of control and could crash to Earth in the next few weeks, a US government official has warned. The satellite could land anywhere on the planet and may contain hazardous materials, the unnamed source told the AP news wire.
While the US government is yet to release any information about the craft, John Pike of the defence research group GlobalSecurity.org said that it is most likely a photo-reconnaissance satellite, weighing as much as 20,000lb (9,000kg) and the size of a bus. It is believed to contain hydrazine, a common rocket fuel, which is hazardous to humans.

So, fellow campers, keep an eye peeled. According to our Fearless Leaders, it might burn up on rentry, but it might not. It might come down in the ocean, or it might come down on land. Nobody knows really, so it might be best to keep one eye on the sky, and don't go outside without an umbrella...

Saturday, January 26, 2008


Malicious Intent tagged me for a meme to list six non-important things/habits/quirks about myself. I'm then supposed to tag others, but I never do that. So, here goes-

1. I'm an idiot savant of bad 70s and 80s song lyrics. You sing it on karaoke nght, I can quote the words. We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun... Sylvia's mother said, Sylvia's leaving, she's catching the 9 o'clock train...

2. My favorite movies include 'Rashomon', 'National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation', and 'Die Hard' & 'Die Hard 2'. Go figure. I'm a fan of action and voluptuous women- Bonnie Bedalia, Beverly D'Angelo, and my wife.

3. If I could live anywhere, I'd live in Florence, Italy. Amy studied art there, and we went there on our honeymoon. That was before Shrubby was Presidink and and they all still liked us. These days, I wouldn't care.

4. I'm one of those odd people who can watch a car crash and immediately think "gee, I hope there wasn't a dog or cat in either car". People can take care of themselves, but animals always suffer...

5. I'm far too radical and obsessive. In daily life I am quite calm. But then I believe things like, if the UN was to move in, and there was a war between US troops and the UN to take Bush in for trial, I would absolutely be on the side of the UN
, and would take up arms against the United States... I suppose that declaration could get me in trouble- again, I don't care. Bush is an international criminal. I'm quite glad to declare that. Come get me. The criminal proceedings against Bush are the only way to get the United States back in the international world. My forefathers have been here since the 1700s... we have fought for this country, every generation since the 1750s- since 200 YEARS BEFORE Bush dodged the draft. My forefsthers died in the French & Indian War, and the American Revolution; my own father lied about his age to join in the fight in WWII. We would ALL join to condemn Gorge Bush's ILLEGAL regime.

I like roses. Please send me some in Gitmo.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Entering the 21st Century-

Well, with a band-new iMac and a fast connection MMB has finally entered the 21st century! Now I can waste an inordinate amount of time watching You-Tube videos, and clicking the "play" button on all those embedded videos on all your blog posts. In celebration, my wife sent me this link, which is really very funny-

OK, gotta go watch some more videos get some work done!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Monday Morning Wake Up-

Here's my contribution to that interesting album-cover meme that's been going around. I first saw it on Prepo's blog. The rules are simple-

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random The first article title on the page is the name of your band.
2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.
3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/ The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4. Use a graphics program to create your cover.

Baby, it's cold outside! Actually it's not as bad as we thought it would be- it's a balmy 8 degrees above zero as I type. Where's Global Warming when we really need it? Lots of interesting stuff in the news today -

Islamabad: Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf pledged on Monday to hold free elections soon (when asked to define "soon", a Musharraf spokesman indicated it would be "as soon every citizen of Pakistan learns to play a musical instrument").

JENA, La. – A march and speeches by a white supremacist group are planned Monday, in opposition to the annual Martin Luther King Jr. Day celebration. The Nationalist Movement, a self-described "pro-majority" group, plans to stage "Jena Justice Day" on Monday. (When asked whether a decade from now, when the majority of Americans are of Hispanic origin, the "pro-majority" group would begin protesting George Washington's Birthday, the group spokesman's head exploded).

NEW DELHI - Asian and European markets nose-dived on Monday as hope that healthy local economies might escape the force of a United States recession evaporated and fear gripped investors instead. (At the White House, President Bush reminded Wall Street investors that when they sell stocks, terrorists win and posed the question, "I say the Economy is Jim-Dandy Fine! Who you gonna believe? The Decider, or a bunch of fur'ners?")

Sarasota, FL - Rudy Giuliani says he's ready for his rivals to join him campaigning in the Sunshine State. The Republican has been spending all his time in Florida, hoping to win the state's January 29th primary. (In a new AP poll, 29% of Florida Republicans say they'll vote for Guiliani if he'll just go away and promise to never, ever come back.)

NAVASOTA, Texas (AP) - Campaigning for Mike Huckabee, actor Chuck Norris said Sunday that Sen. John McCain is too old to handle the pressures of being president. (McCain countered by challenging Norris to a Steel Cage Death Match, and pointing out that Mike Huckabee is too nuts to be President.)

I've been posting again over on Mulligrubbers, with some political observations of a more serious nature. Come on over and play if you like!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

It's Talk in Rhyming Gibberish Weekend!

Bellicose cumquats striving bold,
Alligash! Alligash! Pinky Mold!
Venetian llamas gerunding by,
While under their beaks a borchst soup cries.
Alison, Aubrey- do you like your tea?
Or should I add another flea?
Jorocking burroughs, silicate slaves,
play Silly Putty in their graves.
'Tis Gibberish Weekend in our town,
So dress your dogs in frap and gown,
and gorntil 'till you all fall down!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Which Do You Believe In?

I'm sure all of you have heard, at least in passing, about the UFO sightings in Stephensville, Texas last week. About 30 residents, including a pilot and a police officer, watched strange lights in the sky which moved from horizon to horizon at great speed, much faster than an aircraft. One witness says he say military aircraft attempt to intercept the lights, though the Air Force denies any such action.

What really happened? Darned if I know. The official explanations, airliner lights and so forth, make as little sense as the witnesses descriptions. I will admit that I'm not one to dismiss all such reports out of hand, but something else struck me as much more interesting about this story, and that is that 14% of Americans believe that UFOs are of extraterrestrial origin.

So if UFOs can just double the number of believers, which is certainly a doable proposition, then more Americans will believe in the existence of UFOs than believe that George Bush is a good President.

You go, UFOs!!!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Random Musings

-I'm so tired of the sad, meaningless travails of Brit'ney, and Lindsay, and Paris. Thank God 'American Idol' starts again tonight and we can get back to my favorite nutter, Paula.

-If you think tawdry celebrity gossip is bad here, look at the headline that just popped up on CNN International- "Princess Diana's former butler is scheduled to testify Tuesday about the last letter the princess gave him -- a letter which refers to a mysterious "secret" that he now says he cannot remember." Geez- that almost makes you long to hear what Britney's doing today, doesn't it?

-Bruce Springsteen and Catherine Zeta Jones are all the proof I need of the existence of a Benevolent God.

-CBS pulled the plug on The West Wing last year because of poor ratings. How come they get to do that with their President, but we can't do it with ours?

-Message to Mitt Romney: it's not that you're a Mormon. It's that you're a jerk.

-All the pundits are saying that today's Michigan Primary is a "must win" for the Mittster. Pundits love to talk about "must win" situations just like weather forecasters like to talk about blizzards- it's dramatic. But c'mon- can anyone really see Mitt pulling out tomorrow if he loses to McCain tonight? The reason candidates drop out is that they run out of money and can't raise more, and Mitt fuels his campaign with his own personal MittFortune. Win or lose tonight, Mitt is as likely to pull out early as your average high school football captain is, no matter what he promised the head cheerleader before he got her panties off.

-Hillary Clinton, the wife of the man sometimes called "the first black President" and Barack Obama, whose mom is white, are arguing about which one of them is blacker. I think my head is going to explode.

-I know how to make the process of picking a new President more dignified -let the Republicans and Democrats each choose ten candidates, strap them all to a Big Wheel and let Vanna White spin them to see who gets the job.

-It's been far too long since we featured Audrey Tautou...

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Hey Willie, Let's Play Two!

This is my 500th MMB post. My God, what was I thinking? I began all this on December 28, 2005, and have yet to write a single sentence that makes sense, an accomplishment that gives me the sort of warm, fuzzy feeling inside that money just can't buy.

But enough about me. It should be obvious to everyone out there in BlogLand that the sort of incomprehensibility that is brought to you on a sporadic semi-regular basis on MMB is not the work of just one person. That's right! Others are to blame! My loyal staff helps. So I thought that this post should be devoted to the folks behind the scenes, the people who loiter toil day and night in the MMB offices, to bring you the finished product. So, without further bullshit ado, I reluctantly proudly present-


Name: Trixie VaVoom
Job: Receptionist
Age: 23
Background: Multitalented Trixy has a rich and varied background in the live-performance sector of show business, and has also served as the short-term "personal assistant" to numerous businessmen. Her life's ambition is to pole-dance her way around the world.
Quote: "Get your own damn coffee"

Name: Alexander W. Alexander, III
Job: MMB Research Director
Age: 34
Background: Heir to the Alexander Buttermilk Fortune, Alex earned advanced degrees at Harvard, Yale and MIT by the age of 24 before “rethinking” his life and taking a 7-year sabbatical playing steel guitar at various bars in the Caribbean and working as a freelance pot smuggler and rum taster. During his stay in the islands, Alex says his mind was opened and he realized many important things about the way the world really works. Fleeing the giant, hairless Masonic spiders from the Orion Nebula who secretly rule Earth, Alex landed under the porch here at MMB one cold winter morning smelling strongly of rum and incense, and now directs our Research Department.
Quote: "THEY don’t want you to know who THEY are or WHAT they're doing!"

Name: Happy, Harpo & Llewellyn
Job: MMB Staff Writers
Age: 5-7
Background: Happy, Harpo and Llewellyn were the lead writers on most Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone movies, but decided to quit the Hollywood grind after writing “Rocky XXVII: He’s Back, and Now He’s REALLY Pissed”.
Quote: "We’ll work for peanuts, but we prefer bourbon"

Name: Patrick “Trashcan” Shillelagh
Job: Head of MMB Security
Age: ?
Background: Though obviously well-trained in the use of a wide variety of weaponry, little is known of “Trashcan’s” background and most of us are quite frankly afraid to ask.
Quote: "Call me ‘Kitty’ and die, fuckwad!"

Name: Colonel Colonel
Job: Figurehead
Age: 45
Background: Sealed by the courts.
Quote: "Very funny, now where the Hell are my clothes?"


The MMB Glee Club

The MMB Gay Penguin Strike Brigade

This is our handyman, Max Salzberg and his family. They live in the loft over the MMB garage. They're a little odd, but Max is a nice, quiet guy, so we don't ask too many questions.


"Georgie B". Georgie B. served as office boy at MMB for about five years, and even though he struggled with the job, his goofy demeanor and complete lack of intelligence endeared him to almost everyone here. He was also a blast at the office Halloween Party, as you can see from this photo. Nobody has heard from him in almost eight years, and anyone out there with information as to his whereabouts is urged to contact Trixie VaVoom.

"Dik". Dik (no last name known) was in charge of office security before we had to fire him for beating up three Laotian nuns. Dik was a dick. We don't really care where he went. He's probably in jail in Honduras or someplace by now. Good riddance.


Well, there you have it, these are the folks who have all come together to bring you the last 500 posts here at MMB! With their help, and another few cases of beer, I'm sure we'll be good for another 500. Thank you all for coming today, there are refreshments in the lobby.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Sometimes You're the Windshield, and...

Alert MMB friend Gods, who knows what I like, sent this to my attention yesterday-

The Dead Bug Funeral Kit comes with a 32-page Illustrated Buggy Book of Eulogies with Ribbon Bookmark, Casket, Grave Marker, White Clay Flower, Burial Scroll, and Pouch of Grass Seed.

The Buggy Book of Eulogies contains 15 eulogies and 15 buggy illustrations for your Ant, Bee, Beetle, Butterfly, Caterpillar, Cockroach, Cricket, Doodlebug, Fly, Grasshopper, Ladybug, Lightning Bug, Praying Mantis, Spider or Stickbug. The poems are eulogies told by children who have lost their pet bugs to fate. Each book is handmade one at a time. The Kits are assembled by hand as well.

The Burial Scroll comes tied with a ribbon and deposited in the Casket. The Burial Scroll gives instructions for conducting burial ceremonies. Mourners may bury their loved ones outside in the garden or inside the tin box itself, filled with soil and planted with the grass seed provided.

We hope the Dead Bug Funeral Kit will provide some consolation. You may preorder this Kit for yourself or a loved one. We are working as briskly as we can to make these Kits, but there is a lot of grief in this world. And a lot of bugs. We appreciate your patience.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

And so It Begins-

Dixville Notch, New Hampshire
From Witlesspedia, the free MMB encyclopedia

Dixville Notch (Coordinates: 44°52′15″N, 71°18′21″W) is an unincorporated wide space in the road small village in the Dixville township of Coos County, New Hamster Hampshire, USA1. The town is known for its annual Badger Roast being one of the first places to declare its results for the New Hampshire Presidential primary. It is located miles from anywhere you'd ever want to go in the far north of the state, approximately 20 miles2 (30 km)3 from MolsonLand Canada. Dixville Notch's population is 76 75.

Midnight voting tradition

Dixville Notch residents gather at midnight to vote

Dixville Notch is best known in connection with Elmer Fuddplucker, inventor of the nesting buttplug its longstanding middle-of-the-night drunken pillaging of the neighboring town of Hixville Notch vote in the U.S. presidential election, including during the New Hampshire primary (the first primary election in the U.S. presidential group circle jerk nomination process). Starting in the 1960 election4, all the eligible voters in Dixville Notch gathered at midnight in the ballroom of The Balsams. The voters got completely blitzed on Molson smuggled in from Canada, cast off their clothing their ballots and had New Hampshire's largest recorded gang bang the polls officially are closed one minute later. The result of the Dixville Notch vote in both the New Hampshire primary and the general election are utterly meaningless to anyone with a life traditionally broadcast around the country immediately afterwards.

In the most recent presidential election of November 2nd, 2004 the village had 26 registered voters. The votes are counted immediately after the beer runs out all are received; the Dixville Notch results of the primary often lead morning news programs on election day5. During every election year since 1968, the candidate with the plurality6 of Dixville Notch's voters has been the eventual Republican nominee for president(citation needed), with President(citation needed) George Bush winning in both 2000 and 2004. On the Democratic side, however, the village's election results have less often predicted the nominee. In 2000, for example, Gaius Shroomwackler's dog "Pete" won the most votes among Dixville Notch's Democratic primary voters7 although Al Gore was the party's eventual nominee and went on to be elected President of the United States.

The community's voting tradition received a nod in the 2002 third season episode of US television program The West Wing8, in an episode entitled "Hartsfield's Landing", named after a town clearly modeled on Dixville Notch.

1.USA! USA! USA! USA! C'mon, what are you some kinda terrorist lover? USA! USA! USA!

. Like we actually went and measured it. Right.

. Nobody actually knows how far a (km) is, but it looks really scholarly and shit to include it, so we did.

. More or less. We think.

. Sad. Just sad.

. Another big word we threw in to make this look authoritative. Did it work?

. UberGeek77098: Gaius Shroomwackler?? You know, LZ, if you're not going to take this encyclopedia thing seriously why don't you go away and get stupid on another website?
LordZygort: Right, like somebody died and made you Dictator of everything that gets posted here.
UberGeek77098: It's people like you who give Witlesspedia a bad name. You've never contributed anything useful here. I spend all my time going back into articles and cleaning up your retarded crap. And you smell.
LordZygort: Get lost loser!
UberGeek77098: I'm pulling your editing privileges now.
LordZygort: Oh yeah? Well pull my finger too! PhHHFFFFFTTTTTTTTTT!!!!! HAHA! you got CyberFarted!!
UberGeek77098: Oh, that's real mature. I'm notifying the Administrator!
LordZygort: Get stuffed.

8. God, I wish Josiah Bartlett was President. Or Martin Sheen. Or even Charlie Sheen.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Caution: Keep Away from Open Flame-

I was browsing my bookshelves yesterday and came upon "We Talk, You Listen", by Lakota Indian activist Vine Deloria, Jr. He died in 2005, and his most famous book was "Custer Died for Your Sins". "We Talk, You Listen" was published back in 1970, and although Deloria himself later took on a few wacky views, such as a belief in an Indian version of Creationism, he also very often had a knack for hitting the nail on the head.

In the Foreword he relates-

"Every now and then I am impressed with the thinking of the non-Indian. I was in Cleveland last year and got to talking with a non-Indian about American history. He said that he was really sorry about what had happened to Indians, but that there was good reason for it. The continent had to be developed and he felt that Indians had stood in the way and thus had to be removed. ‘After all,’ he remarked, ‘what did you do with the land when you had it?’ I didn’t understand him until later when I discovered that the Cuyahoga River running through Cleveland is inflammable. So many combustible pollutants are dumped into the river that the inhabitants have to take special precautions during the summer to avoid accidentally setting it on fire. After reviewing the argument of my non-Indian friend I decided that he was probably correct. Whites had made better use of the land. How many Indians could have thought of creating an inflammable river?"

Friday, January 04, 2008

Life Lessons-

for some reason this struck a chord in me this morning when I was listening to Pete Seeger sing it-
What Did You Learn in School Today?
Words and Music by Tom Paxton

What did you learn in school today,
Dear little boy of mine?
What did you learn in school today,
Dear little boy of mine?

I learned that Washington never told a lie.
I learned that soldiers seldom die.
I learned that everybody's free.
And that's what the teacher said to me.
That's what I learned in school today.
That's what I learned in school.

What did you learn in school today,
Dear little boy of mine?
What did you learn in school today,
Dear little boy of mine?

I learned that policemen are my friends.
I learned that justice never ends.
I learned that murderers die for their crimes.
Even if we make a mistake sometimes.
That's what I learned in school today.
That's what I learned in school.

What did you learn in school today,
Dear little boy of mine?
What did you learn in school today,
Dear little boy of mine?

I learned our government must be strong.
It's always right and never wrong.
Our leaders are the finest men.
And we elect them again and again.
That's what I learned in school today.
That's what I learned in school.

What did you learn in school today,
Dear little boy of mine?
What did you learn in school today,
Dear little boy of mine?

I learned that war is not so bad.
I learned of the great ones we have had.
We fought in Germany and in France.
And some day I might get my chance.
That's what I learned in school today.
That's what I learned in school.

Thursday, January 03, 2008



not that there's anything wrong with Iowa, but still...

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

A Better Me for 2008-

It's a New Year, and time for my New Year's Resolutions! I take my Resolutions very seriously, and really try to follow through on them. So, after much thought, here are

My 2008 New Year Resolutions-

-I will only call George Bush "a moronic idiot" on days ending with a "y".

-I will pay more attention to napping.

-I will be completely obnoxious if the Pats win the Super Bowl.

-I will return those calls from Catherine Zeta Jones.

-I will read fewer books by Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly than I read last year1.

-I will curse more.

-Dick Cheney is no longer invited to our Fourth of July Bar-b-Que; I don’t care if he does offer to bring “truckloads of Coors” and “some really hot babes from the State Department”.

-If Mick Jagger asks me, I will tell him the truth- it’s time.

-Condi Rice is no longer invited to our Fourth of July Bar-b-Que; I don’t care if she does offer to bring “truckloads of Coors” and “some really hot babes from the State Department”.

-No more liver & onion Slushies.

-I will say "yes" if Terry Francona calls and asks me to be the Red Sox bench coach.

-I will not learn Farsi.

-I will eat more bacon.

-I will stop calling Ryan Seacrest a talentless twit2.

-I will stop worrying about what's happening to Star Jones' "career".

-When a bolt of lightning from a clear sky strikes Mike Huckabee, I will not snicker. Much.

-I will make a valiant attempt not to over-do my excercise routine.

-I will not downgrade upgrade to Windows "Crapola" "Vista".

-No more drunken nude saxaphone playing. At least in public.

Surely some of y'all have a few Resolutions to share!

And Happy New Year!

1 Actually this may be a tough one- is there a number smaller than zero?
2 I always include one Resolution I have no intention of keeping.