Thursday, September 04, 2008
Dear Senator McCain-
Ccongratulations on finally becoming the Republican party's official Presidential nominee! I know this has not been a great week for you, with the hurricane, and your veep imploding and all, so I wanted to write to cheer you up before tonight's big speech-
-I was happy to hear that you have had more contact with your new Veep selection than any of us had previously thought, since it turns out she made your Shameful Pork Spending List three years running when she was mayor of Wasilla. Damn, it's a small world, isn't it?
-I hear she's pretty smart too- you might have her look at a map and see if she can find that Iraq-Pakistan border you keep talking about.
-Don't worry about her First Dude and his wanting to secede Alaska from the United States. That's nothing that a few years at Gitmo won't cure.
-I was happy to hear about her national defense experience, Russia being across the Bering Strait and all, but you might want to update the Wikipedia page on Alaska history- some liberal has evidently deleted all references to her standing on Attu Island with a 30-30 and taking pot shots at Vladimir Putin when he tried to invade last summer.
-I know it's hard to figure out and remember how many houses you have. Here's a tip- if some liberal press flunkie tries to trip you up on it, make up a number between 5 and 10. If they try to call you a liar, remind them that you were a POW.
-Keep working on getting Wikipedia to change their entry on The Keating Five to be about the punk band. I'm sure they'll give in eventually.
Well, have fun Senator, and remind the floor manager not to play "Barabara Ann" at any point while you're on stage.
-your pal, CC