Thursday, September 04, 2008

Dear Senator McCain-

Ccongratulations on finally becoming the Republican party's official Presidential nominee! I know this has not been a great week for you, with the hurricane, and your veep imploding and all, so I wanted to write to cheer you up before tonight's big speech-

-I was happy to hear that you have had more contact with your new Veep selection than any of us had previously thought, since it turns out she made your Shameful Pork Spending List three years running when she was mayor of Wasilla. Damn, it's a small world, isn't it?

-I hear she's pretty smart too- you might have her look at a map and see if she can find that Iraq-Pakistan border you keep talking about.

-Don't worry about her First Dude and his wanting to secede Alaska from the United States. That's nothing that a few years at Gitmo won't cure.

-I was happy to hear about her national defense experience, Russia being across the Bering Strait and all, but you might want to update the Wikipedia page on Alaska history- some liberal has evidently deleted all references to her standing on Attu Island with a 30-30 and taking pot shots at Vladimir Putin when he tried to invade last summer.

-I know it's hard to figure out and remember how many houses you have. Here's a tip- if some liberal press flunkie tries to trip you up on it, make up a number between 5 and 10. If they try to call you a liar, remind them that you were a POW.

-Keep working on getting Wikipedia to change their entry on The Keating Five to be about the punk band. I'm sure they'll give in eventually.

Well, have fun Senator, and remind the floor manager not to play "Barabara Ann" at any point while you're on stage.

-your pal, CC


Beach Bum said...

Great post, as usual Colonel. You know I'd laugh my ass off at the republicans, McCain, and Palin if I wasn't slightly scared that they might win the damn election. My worries are the American people, who no one ever should underestimate how stupid they can act or the Democrats who seem scared to bite that bitch back after her verbal garbage she spewed over the convention floor last night.

Colonel Colonel said...

Beach: Have no fears. They are now apparently under attack from their right wing for daring to put a mother of 5 up for election - along with that HATEFUL LIBERAL, MCCAIN!!

I think they may implode in the middle. Or maybe their "brains" will just all explode.

Cissy Strutt said...

"Nice" quote marks, colonel.

Malach the Merciless said...

I like how he can only lift his arms so high, why all the old disabled GOP Candidates?

We had Bob Dole, one functioning hand
Dubya: Boderline Intellectual Functioning
And now McCain: The Albino Midget with range of motion issues

meggie said...

I will never get your stinky politics.
I vote for the large black cat in your header!!

moooooog35 said...

Wait..how far can Biden raise his hands?

Jesus H. Christ...he's getting up there in age, too.

I think Obama should change his campaign song to the "Name Game Song":

Obama bama bo bama. Fanana fama fo fama. Fee fi mo mama. Obama.

Let's try BIDEN!!

Colonel Colonel said...

Cissy: "Thanks"!!!

Malach: The only motion I worry about with McCain is his twitchy finger on The Button.

Meggie: Good vote!!

Moooog: Apparently they really did play "Addicted to Love" after Clinton spoke last week. I thought that was an internet joke...

Malicious Intent said...

How does he find time to keep his skin and balding head so silky smooth looking? Amazing for his age.