My Perfect 2008-

At this time of year everyone tries to predict what's going to happen in the coming year. Quite frankly, when I looked around at the state of the world today I found that excercise pretty depressing. So instead of predicing what I think will happen, I am going to predict what I'd like to have happen in 2008. So, without further ado, I present-

My Predictions for a Perfect 2008:

Mitt Romney is found to actually be an illegal alien named Miguel Ramirez, and immediately deports himself.

The New England Patriots stun the sports world by winning not only the Super Bowl, but also the NBA Finals, the Stanley Cup, the World Series, the Indy 500, and the World Lawn Bowling Championship.

Warren Buffet stages a leveraged buy-out of Iraq and immediately flips the country to China. All US troops come home and peace breaks out as every Iraqi finds a good job making cheap American flags and Christmas lights.

Republican Presidential candidate Fred Thompson causes turmoil at the Republican Convention when, after being officially declared the nominee, he gets up and says, "Gee, thanks, but, uh, on second thought, I don't really want to be President. Um, sorry."

Britney Spears replaces Katie Couric as the anchor of the CBS Evening News, and finally realizes how annoying it is to hear about herself on the news all the time.

The first thing rising sea-levels from Global Warming innundate is George Bush's Texas ranch.

A video is released on You-Tube showing Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin and Hillary Clinton in a lesbian love tryst, and they move to Vermont where they begin new careers producing organic, free-range goat cheese.

Amy Winehouse and Carrot Top don't do anything, say anything, or get photographed going anywhere.

Bill O'Reilly admits that it's all an act.

Dick Cheney resigns after he is discovered in a Times Square bus station men's room dressed in nothing but a red bra, lacy panties, thigh boots, and carrying a whip.

Donald Trump's "hair" is revealed to be a live chihuahua.

After a tumultuous three-way Presidential race between Rudi Giuliani, Dennis Kucinich and independent Michael Bloomberg in which each candidates receives less than 15% of the vote, a national convention elects Jimmy Buffet as the new President.

During a live interview on Oprah, Condaleeza Rice breaks down in tears and sobs "Oh my God, Oh my God, what have we done to America?!?!?"

Martha Stewart is invited to decorate the White House for the Bush's last Christmas there, spray paints George with gold glitter and then glues him to the top of the White House Christmas tree.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Twins?

44th and 6th

I wrote this about 15 years ago after a trip to New York City. I fear it still may apply-


44th and Sixth

The old man stands like a shadow in some deep South shanty,
beer-swilling, Main-Street town,
as he covers his head for the New York cabbies and bus drivers
who pass him every day on his corner as he stands and waits.

He stands on the corner of 44th and 6th,
stands their every day,
to greet the bank manager and his help
as they rush to work.

Go away old man,
take your stubble-face,
and your hunger-stumble walk,
and your booze-sour breath,
and go away.
We don't want you here.
You're not our fault.

A man in a three-piece Italian suit hurries by
and the old man stumbles across the sidewalk,
a smile on his blank, glassy face;
Hey, old man,
don't stare at me from your corner of the street;
I am not your solution,
and you are not my problem..
I have problems of my own.
My BMW is always in the shop;
my club is admitting Jews and blacks;
my accountant is screwing my accounts,
and my wife too, every Thursday;
so get out of my way, old man,
I'm in a hurry.
I need a good stiff drink.
And don't stare at me, old man.
I am not you.

A passerby gives the old man a dollar
and the last half of an uneaten sandwich from the local deli,
and the banker glares at him through his glass wall,
as the old man stumbles away to eat the sandwich,
and to use the dollar to buy some respite
from his reality.

But he'll be back.
In a day, or a week, or a month,
as you pass there again,
scarf tight against the slicing November wind,
the old man still stands,
head bowed,
like a shadow in some deep-south,
pickup-truck, Main Street town,
lost and at large in his reality,
as the cabbies grind by,
and the buses miss him by inches,
and the banker sits behind his glass wall,
because its not his fault.

"Aim Rocket at the Enemy"

The Season of Peace and Brotherhood and Shopping has ended for another year, and Congress celebrated by giving The Decider another 70 Billion dollars to spend on his war. Since The Decider refuses to listen to good advice, somebody assembled a list of good advice for the troops he's sent into harm's way overseas. So, in the Spirit of the Season we stole the list and present-

Useful Military Warnings

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper .. once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop

The World Has Gone Insane-

May, 1953 - December 27, 2007

I had always found it ironic that a male-oriented country like Pakistan would elect a woman as their leader before America would, but now they've evened their slate by blowing her up. But before we in the ever-so-advanced United States get up on our high horses about "backwards" societies, remember that our current Presidential election is still featuring serious discussion about whether Americans even would elect a woman as President.

Sickening.

Christmas Wrap-up...

Well, it was an eventful Christmas here at Foggygates. We had the annual Hatfield Luminarium on Sunday night the 23rd, and had some friends and neighbors over afterwards for a very nice French dinner of Beef Bourguignon which Amy spent all day preparing. It rained this year so I didn't get any pics, but a good time was had by all. Then on Christmas we had some friends and relatives from Vermont and New Hamphire here for a dinner of locally-smoked ham, potato & mushroom au gratin, and peas & onions, with home-made lemon tart for desert.

Amy was in charge of all the food- the way we do food here is that I cook during the week, but if anything calls for planning or expertise, she does it. So it was real bummer when she got up with a stiff neck Christmas morning, and then came up from the basement at 9:04 a.m. saying "I dropped the butter and when I bent down to pick it up, my neck went out".

Ouch. I mean, I never had a neck go out, but I've had my back go out in spasms, and it's not fun.

She was barely able to walk, but insisted on presiding over the kitchen all day and, with much help from our friend Anne from Vermont, dinner made it on, and was enjoyed by all.

It wasn't until around 5 pm that Amy suggested we might want to go to the emergency room, as she could not actually move without 10th-level pain.

They prescribed some very nice drugs, and she had a half-nights sleep last night and is feeling somewhat better today- though I went and did the farmer-thang and watered the six horse at the barn. Got horse shit all over my pants and gloves and rembered how it feels to care for outdoor animals in winter, back when I had ducks. You know, it's good feeling, no matter how much ice-encrusted shit you have on you when you get home. Ice is ice, and you live in New England and you expect something else than to wade in horse shit? Fuck it- haul the damn water out in wheel-barrows over the ice to the horses. That's life.

I dunno, maybe it's just what you were raised to...

We're covered in frozen horse-shit, but all is happy here.

The True Meaning of Christmas-

Santa was not having a good Christmas. It was snowing hard and Rudolph was hitting the bottle again, but the rest of the reindeer were refusing to fly without him; the elves were staging a work slowdown and Mrs. Claus had told him to go make his own @^&*%#! dinner because she was fed up with him working every Christmas Eve. Santa was wiping reindeer vomit off the floor when the littlest angel barged through the door, dragging the huge North Pole Christmas tree behind him.

"Yo, Fat Boy!" he yelled. "Where do you want me to stick this?"

And so began the beloved Christmas tradition of an angel perched atop our Christmas tree.

Santa Inc.'s Dirty Little Secret-

Questions have always been raised about how Santa funds his extravagent toy give-away, not to mention the pension fund for the elves. Our reporters at MMB have been working on this story for several months, and have finally uncovered evidence of the bitter truth. This is how Santa funds his workshop-

Santa May be a Little Late-

We're all hoping the reserve chute works...

Good News!

The police called- Santa made bail!

Now, after a little fortification, he'll be back on the road.

Santa Spotted!

The kiddies across the world can rest easy this Christmas Eve- the MMB Santa Alert Team has spotted Santa, and he appears to be sober alive and well!

Our photo surveillance team snapped this pic of Santa as he emerged from negotiations with the mortgage broker who sold him the adjustable, balloon-payment mortgage on the North Pole last year-

Stay tuned for updates!

Santa Tracker-

One thing the staff here at MMB Central has learned over the years is that all those centuries of isolation at the North Pole have left Santa a a sick, twisted old bastard a bit eccentric. So we will be tracking Santa all day ("stalking" being a word the court used, be we don't). So keep checking back for updates as we stalk track the jolly man to make sure he makes it to the bar kid's houses sober on time, and doesn't do anything any of us will get sent to Gitmo for regret.

Seasonal Sing-Along-

OK, everyone, it's Christmas Eve here, and that means it's already Christmas somewhere!

So let's get into the Spirit of the Season (I said "Spirit", not "spirits", get out of the liquor-cabinet, T-Bird!) and sing a few Carols-

Good King Sauerkraut looked out,
on his feets uneven,
while the girls gamboled about,
tanned and firm and cleavaged...

- -

"Hark!" the C-E-O's all siiiing,
"Glory to our Golden Wings!
We have Golden Parachutes,"
to help us keep our filthy loot!

Come and all ye poor schmucks rise,
you'll never cut us down to size!
When the Bush-Man does proclaim,
Money's good, and greed's no shame,
Cash! don't call it dirt or graft,
We all got ours; you got the shaft!"

- -

Chuck's nuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping off your nose
Yuletime Carol being done by the choir
And folks out dissin' eskimoes...

Everybody knows
that Holly is a friggin' ho,
and Ronny killed her kids last night,
Fucking cops, if your husband don't know,
Can make you sleep so deep, tonight...

My Holiday Wish to You All-

I am picking up on a theme amongst my fellow bloggers, and that is one of dissing the Holidays. I find that sad- surely one can ignore the rampant commercialism and all the other crap and still enjoy the holiday season?

I love this time of year. Well, I hate the weather, because I am a beach and outdoor guy at heart, and I loathe being cold, but I love the dramatic snowstorms, the good cheer and the feeling of renewal and hope. I love the parties, and the cameraderie that people who are not knocking each other over the head to buy crap at Wal*Burp seem to feel this time of year.

You do not have to believe in Jesus, or anything else, to take part. It's just a special time of year. One of renewal, perhaps, or being grateful for what we have, and we, as Westerners, tend to have a lot. Perhaps you may just want to light a candle for somebody or something that means something to you.

May you all be happy now, and in the coming year!

PS- this ins't my last post before Xymas- we're home this year, so expect a few more, but I wanted to post this tonight.

Getting Real with Reality

Ever since 'Survivor' first splatted across American televisions like a rotten egg on a windshield (remember how none of us could believe the premise could be real when we first heard about it?) "reality" shows have become weirder and weirder, and whenever I think the lowest point has been reached, some other network tops it. But as low as they've gone, there are still a few depths the network producers haven't plumbed yet, so here at MMB we thought we would.

We proudly present-

A Preview of Next Season's Top New Reality Shows-

"Divorce, Pam Anderson Style" Each week the buxom blonde star marries a new contestant who attempts to stay married to her for the entire episode.

“To Catch an Illegal Immigrant” -Contestants race each other through a mall in Texas trying to identify and capture illegal immigrant workers. Points are deducted for apprehending U.S. Citizens. In Week 1 former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales befuddles the contestants when he guest stars, dressed as a mall janitor.

“Who’s Knocked Up?” -Newly-married couples (hey, this is on Fox, the “Family-Values” network) race each other to get pregnant. Hosted by Britney Spears.

“Dress Like a Ho” -Paris Hilton hosts this new Bravo show which features top models, wearing no underwear, who compete to see how low they can go with their necklines and how high they can hem their skirts without showing “anything”. Contestants flashing nipples or coochie are eliminated, and their photos posted on blogs around the world.

"Who's Mitt Romney Today?" The fun-loving Mormon Presidential candidate takes a variety of stands on popular hot-button issues of the day, as contestants try to figure out what he actually believes.

"American Burger" A table full of hamburgers bought at Wal*Mart contains one burger contaminated with e-coli, but which one? Contestants vie to be the last one not-hospitalized.

Following up on the success of its’ hit show “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?”, ABC will allow losing contestants in that show to appear on their new offering, “Well Then, Are You at Least Smarter Than President Bush?”

All right, any additions, anyone?