Warning Signs-

A few years ago my friend and fellow bookseller Joyce Godsey wrote this quiz. The original was 100 questions, which I've whittled down. You can see the entire quiz here.

Book Geek Test -

Have you ever deliberately bought another copy of a book because it had a different cover than the one you have?

Have you ever bought extra copies just so you could give them away?

Have you ever spent more than 20.00 to replace a book you read as a kid?

Have you ever pre-ordered a book as soon as it was humanly possible?

Have you ever maxed out your library card?

Have you ever tried to acquire absolutely everything an author has ever written including, text books, liner notes and book jacket blurbs?

Can you sense whether there are books at a yard sale or a flea market booth before you get there?

When you're shopping with friends do they try to rush you past the books and then groan audibly when you stop?

Have you ever not heard your named called in a bookstore? On purpose?

Have you ever been asked to leave a bookstore because it was 10 minutes past closing?

Do you fix mis-shelved books in bookstores?

Do you help customers find books in stores you don't work in?

Have you ever stood outside a bookstore waiting for it to open?

Have you ever scribbled a recommended book title on the back of your checkbook register or deposit slip?

Have you ever made up fake plans so you could read undisturbed?

Have you ever stayed up all night to finish a book and then called in late the next morning?

Have you ever started reading a book at the store and bought it so you could finish?

Have you ever flung a book you didn't like across the room?

Do you turn magazines sideways so you can read the book titles in the picture backgrounds?

Do you surreptitiously try to get the titles off the books people are reading on the subway?

Do you wonder why the people on TV don't have more bookcases in their homes?

Has anyone in your household encouraged you to open a bookstore so you can sell all the books cluttering up the place?

Have you ever used something for a bookmark that was important and forgotten what book it was in?

Have you ever sat in the car in the driveway while listening to an audio book?

Have you ever sat in the car in the driveway reading a real book?

Do you take more books on vacation that you could read in three vacations?

Do you have more than 4 unread books on your bedside table? more than 10? more than 25?

Do you have no bedside table, just a pile of books?

Have you ever fantasized about a 10 minute bookshopping spree?

Do you know the home city of all the major publishers by heart?

A Great New Technology-

Recent advances in web-based optics and simul-server side internet applications have brought about the development of reverse-optic digital cameras that allow us to quite literally turn a portion of somebody's else's computer screen into a camera! This technology was first developed for the CIA¹, but now that the per-unit cost has been radically reduced, we are able to make this technology useful for everyday tasks². Since we here at MMB know squat books, we decided to develop a new book appraisal service. Using the camera portal below, our crack staff at MMB can actually see your book when you hold it up to the screen, and can give you an instant evaluation of its value!

Just hold your book up to the black web-cam portal below for 15 seconds and then press the "Evaluate" button. For best results turn the book slowly to show the entire cover and spine, and then open the book so we can scan the title page. Do as many as you like!

¹ Oh, who are we kidding. We got it from a UFO.

² We're secretly installing one in Jessica Alba's computer screen as I write this.

The Things You Find in Books-

This was actually the title of a thread on an email list recently. It's always fun to find something quirky, odd, or interesting tucked into a book. A few months ago I picked up a copy of a very obscure little book of poetry published in 1898 titled "Sandwort" by Anna J. Granniss because it was printed in my hometown of Keene, New Hampshire. As I opened it up, this little card fell out-

Paying by the poem! I thought that was rather clever, and it seems we're basically back to that business model now in the online music industry...

- -

Today they are scheduled to delete Mike's problem kidney, so everyone raise a glass to him tonight to let him know we're sending the Good vibes his way. We're going to try to take part in Thomas's 'Cocktails for Mike' party, if I can figure out where the cats hid the damn camera!

So hang in there, Mike. I understand you're now done with wine, so I guess those other two Great American Values will have to do- women and guns. Fortunately, Catherine Zeta Jones is ready-

I'll have a kilo of King, to go, please.

People sometimes ask me what I do all day. They usually do not ask more than once, because I reply that I don't do very much catalog books, and write things like-

"A excellent and important early text on fetishistic turtle-waxing in 17th century Polynesia. Listed in the Herter, Solon and “100 Important Polynesian Books” bibliographies. Burnet 319. A little light wear, endpapers foxed, else a very good copy of an essential book on the subject."

Pathetic Riveting, eh? But cataloging is all about pimping selling the product. However, every once in a while a bookseller will lose it completely have a little fun. Yesterday over on the Biblio list someone came up with this little gem from a British bookseller's catalog-

"A well preserved old turd of a book. Items like this make me angry. Essentially the book is in fine condition with a rock-solid spine. However, what really pinkels me off is that the head and heel of the spine, whose structural integrity could have been preserved with a modicum of care, have given way to gravity, because someone was careless enough to allow this to happen when the book was packed or read. As publishers already handle their books like potatoes and sell them in supermarkets, I wouldn't be surprised if the printed word were sold by the kilo in years to come. "I'll have a pound of sprouts, a bunch of grapes, four Cumberland sausage rings and 24 pages of the latest Stephen King, pleeze"!!!."

well.

After that I think we all need some Audrey Tatou.

Houston, We Have a Problem-

It never fails to surprise Audrey Tatou, but out of the thousands of new books which are published every year, many do not sell well and are "remaindered"- that is, sold off by their publishers at drastically reduced prices. The shelf-browsers at MMB scour the remainder bins each week, and take great pride in bringing you the best in books that, for one trivial, inexplicable reason or another, just didn't find an audience.

This week's selections-

"Sing Along with Britney Spears Karaoke Set" The pre-recorded cd and fifth of bourbon included with this book allow you to perform just like the famous singer in front of audiences of all sizes.

"Light in My Loafers. Senator Larry Craig's Guide to Amateur Tap Dancing" The Idaho senator reveals how putting on your tapping shoes can make you new friends in the unlikliest of places.

"101 Fun Projects to Do with Your New Camcorder" by Bill Belichick. The man known throughout the NFL as "Smilin' Bill" is as loquacious as ever as he shares all his secrets for getting ahead through modern electronics.

"The EZ-Traveller's Tourist Guide to Downtown Baghdad -2007 Edition" This newly updated edition of the popular guide includes special sections on Hot Spots for Nightlife, what to do if you arrive to find your restaurant has been blown up, and 17 quick ways to stop bleeding.

"Chillin' the Juice. How to Stay Cool and Rational in an Irrational World" by O.J. Simpson. The former NFL star shares his secrets for staying cool, whatever the situation. Just picked as the NRA Book of the Month. If you order now, we will include a free set of ginsu knives.

On the Road Again, and Home Again...

One of our favorite fellow-bloggers Mike, who has worked in a lot of places far from home, has finally returned home again, and is, for the most part, now in a scenario that will allow him to stay, most of the time, within the sight of his family, chihuahua, and lawn.

That made me start thinking about how I view travel. I like the idea of travel- it's the actuality of it that is sometimes troubling. I love airplanes, and continue to do so, but flying now leaves me cold.

Boats are fine, but here in New England you generally have to fly to get to one. The last time I did that was when I took a cruise out of Port Canaveral, Florida the same day John Glenn went up in the Space Shuttle. I took pictures from the ship, which was about as close to the launch site as any civilian got, and laughed at the signs that said "everybody- dress up in ape suits when he comes down".

That was cool. But I am no longer really cool about flying. It's not that I don't like airplanes- I think they are as cool as ever, but I also think that most pilots, especially these days, when most ex-military pilots have retired from airline service, are not as good as they used to be. Add to that the fact that the government seems to be starving the air-traffic control system, and the whole idea leaves me a bit cold.

Bookselling World in Turmoil-

The bookselling world is in turmoil this morning (and how long I've waited to be able to write such a phrase) as ABE (the Canadian-based Advanced Book Exchange) has announced it will be instituting a new "seller rating system".

Ratings systems are nothing new- Ebay has its famous feedback system which has many faults and loopholes, and is endlessley abused by its users, but is at least something. Ratings systems on the book databases are much rarer, so the ABE announcement has everyone talking. The new system will be based on a bookseller's "completion rate", or the ratio of the number of orders he receives to the number he actually ships (instead of canceling them because the book is not available) and which do not get returned by the customer.

On the surface its not a bad idea, but the problem with the new ABE system is in the details, and they are troublesome to many sellers. To begin with, what the general public will see when the system goes "live" next week, is a range of red stars next to each dealer's name, labeled "Bookseller Rating".

Now that's very deceptive, because anyone seeing the phrase "Bookseller Rating" with stars after it is apt to conclude that such a rating rates a whole slew of functions a bookseller performs, such as ability to properly describe an item, speedy shipping, proper packing, trustworthiness, professionalism, fairness, knowledge, and so on. In the ABE system, none of this is the case- your "Bookseller Rating" is based solely on what percentage of orders received you send out. It becomes even more of a problem because ABE is also introducing the ability for customers to restrict their results to only dealers with 5 stars, or 4 stars.

To be fair, ABE does explain that the "Bookseller Rating" is based soley on the completion rate, but you have to hover your cursor over the stars and click to get that explanation box to come up. How many people are going to do that? Very few, I would guess.

If you do that, you get a box with the following information-

AbeBooks Bookseller Ratings
Bookseller ratings are based on completion rate, calculated by the number of items shipped (vs. cancelled at order processing) minus the number of items returned. Booksellers with higher ratings cancel fewer orders and receive fewer returns.

95 - 100% Completion Rate

85 - 94% Completion Rate

70 - 84% Completion Rate

60 - 69% Completion Rate

0 - 59% Completion Rate

This brings us to another problem with the system- it is heavily weighted. Why does the 5th star stand for a mere 5%, when the 4th star covers 10%, the third star 15%, and you get one star for basically just breathing- anything between 0% and 59% gets you a star! It has been suggested on several bookseller lists that it would be within ABE's technical capabilities, and would be much fairer, to simply have a line labeled "Bookseller's Completion Rate" followed by an actual percentage based on exactly the same figures they are now using. This would give us less weighting of the results, a less misleading label, and a generally fairer system.

The system, as currently shown, is confusing and I hope ABE fixes it before they roll it out to the public.

Holy Flaming Volumes, Batboy!

Reading is one of the primary joys of life- I cannot imagine the house without thousands of books in it, and it has always been like that. It surprises some people, therfore, when I say that most books are crap.

You may have seen this story in the news over the last several days-

Mo. Man Burns Books As Act of Protest
Associated Press, May 28, 2007

KANSAS CITY- Tom Wayne amassed thousands of books in a warehouse during the 10 years he has run his used book store, Prospero's Books. His collection ranges from best sellers like Tom Clancy's ``The Hunt for Red October'' and Tom Wolfe's ``Bonfire of the Vanities,'' to obscure titles like a bound report from the Fourth Pan-American Conference held in Buenos Aires in 1910, didn't sell. But wanting to thin out his collection, he found he couldn't even give away books to libraries or thrift shops, which said they were full.

So on Sunday, Wayne began burning his books protest what he sees as society's diminishing support for the printed word.

``This is the funeral pyre for thought in America today,'' Wayne told spectators outside his bookstore as he lit the first batch of books.

The fire blazed for about 50 minutes before the Kansas City Fire Department put it out because Wayne didn't have a permit to burn them. Wayne said next time he will get a permit. He said he envisions monthly bonfires until his supply - estimated at 20,000 books - is exhausted.

``After slogging through the tens of thousands of books we've slogged through and to accumulate that many and to have people turn you away when you take them somewhere, it's just kind of a knee-jerk reaction,'' he said. ``And it's a good excuse for fun.''

I assume that the basic reaction in much of the rest of the world is "How awful to burn books!". In the bookselling community the reaction has been more along the lines of "Wow, what a cool idea!" and "Why didn't I think of that as a way to get publicity?"

The basic fact of bookselling life is that too many books out there are utter trash when they are published, and are completely unsaleable forever afterwards. If you are not very careful you eventually end up with thousands of such "duds" lying around, and they can be very hard to get rid of, as most landfills will no longer take them. When we moved we succeeded in recyling about 60 boxes of books, but we had to tear the covers off all the hardcovers, because the cloth isn't recyclable, just the paper.

My only problem with burning them is that it contributes to air pollution, and one never knows what sorts of toxic chemicals may be in the inks. Color inks certainly give off toxic fumes. We bought a wood chipper this spring- I wonder if they'd gunk it up?

For those who would argue that books are scared things, and are aghast at all this talk of destroying books I can only reply that I believe that the freedom to write, publish, sell and read any book you want is sacred... but many books are just crap.

Bookselling Tales-

We met in neutral territory- at one of those Swiss hotels up the side of a mountain- you know the kind. You look down and see cars below you the size of dust specks, and the rising moon seems to be coming in at shoulder level. I don't like heights, so I was at the bar downing Saphire gin and nibbling at the cheese plate they had put out just to make me thirsty.

She caught my eye from across the room- brown hair down to her waist and a shape that her low-cut, body-hugging black dress didn't try to hide.

She raised an eyebrow and I raised my glass and the next thing I knew she was sitting beside me, ordering Stoli and downing the first one in a single gulp. She ordered another and then turned to me.

"Did you bring it?" she asked, her voice deep, but tinged with silver, like the swiftly flowing streams in the mountains around there.

"Right here" I said, patting my coat pocket.

She nodded.

"All of it" she said. Not a question really.

"All of it" I said, sipping my Saphire, trying to keep my mind on my mission and off her figure which perched on the barstool in perfect balance, like something drawn by Picasso.

"Good". She gave me a quick smile. "I have to go, I have another delivery to make". She was apologizing, but women like her should never have to apologize. For anything. I took the envelope of cash from my pocket and handed it to her.

She tucked it into the fold of her dress without looking at it.

"Merci" she said and drained the last of her Stoli. "Perhaps we will meet again". She uncurled herself from her perch on the stool and stood still for a moment as if trying to make up her mind about something.

"I have to go" she said, as if trying to convince herself, not me, of the fact. "After I'm gone, go over to the table".

I nodded and she was gone.

I sat there for a moment, then ordered another Saphire and drank it slowly. Then I got up and crossed the room. It was there, on the chair, wrapped in brown paper, tied with string.

A nice touch.

Smuggling it out past customs was a breeze.

After her, everything else was anticlimactic.

I kept that book for a few years, but then decided to sell it.

I'm a bookseller.

That's my job.