Turning Over a New Leaf-

I did a lot of yard and garden work this weekend, and started a new project-

Neocon Gardening.

Now I know what all you pansy-ass, Liberal America-haters are saying- the Neocon Agenda has been thoroughly discredited by the fucking disasters events of the last few years. Well, Nuke Iran! Pshaw! I say to you brie-eating bed-wetters.

The first thing I'm doing is making sure that all the plants are With Us, not against us, and making sure they're all-American. No more French Endive- I now grow Freedom Endive. Tomatoes are Mexican, and I'd rip them all up, but they're used to make an important All-American Vegetable, ketchup, so for the moment they stay, but I'm keeping a close eye on them.

Now on to Anti-Terrorist Anti-Pest activities. As we all know, our Freedoms gardens are at risk from aphids, and aphids are often found on roses, so yesterday I ripped up all the rose bushes and burned them. Now, some of my terrorist-loving pest-loving neighbors objected to this. They pointed out that the rose bushes were in their yard, not my yard, and there were not actually any aphids on them at all. Well, to them I say, you can never be too careful, and anyway, I had been reliably informed that there were aphids on them before I dug them up and burned them.

As for ongoing garden maintenance, I'm going to use the same theory the Neocons are using with our public school system- punish failure. If some slacker of a plant is wilting in the hot sun, I'm sure you do-gooder Liberals would suggest giving it water. Fuck that. Slacker plants don't need water, they need to be encouraged to do better, so from now on there will be no more water for wilty plants! All my water will now go to plants that already have more than enough water. When the wilting plants see that, they'll buck up and pull themselves together and do better, and only then will they get water!

So there you are, my new Neocon Gardening Project. I'll keep you all updated.