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Sunday, June 01, 2008

Turning Over a New Leaf-


I did a lot of yard and garden work this weekend, and started a new project-

Neocon Gardening.

Now I know what all you pansy-ass, Liberal America-haters are saying- the Neocon Agenda has been thoroughly discredited by the fucking disasters events of the last few years. Well, Nuke Iran! Pshaw! I say to you brie-eating bed-wetters.

The first thing I'm doing is making sure that all the plants are With Us, not against us, and making sure they're all-American. No more French Endive- I now grow Freedom Endive. Tomatoes are Mexican, and I'd rip them all up, but they're used to make an important All-American Vegetable, ketchup, so for the moment they stay, but I'm keeping a close eye on them.

Now on to Anti-Terrorist Anti-Pest activities. As we all know, our Freedoms gardens are at risk from aphids, and aphids are often found on roses, so yesterday I ripped up all the rose bushes and burned them. Now, some of my terrorist-loving pest-loving neighbors objected to this. They pointed out that the rose bushes were in their yard, not my yard, and there were not actually any aphids on them at all. Well, to them I say, you can never be too careful, and anyway, I had been reliably informed that there were aphids on them before I dug them up and burned them.

As for ongoing garden maintenance, I'm going to use the same theory the Neocons are using with our public school system- punish failure. If some slacker of a plant is wilting in the hot sun, I'm sure you do-gooder Liberals would suggest giving it water. Fuck that. Slacker plants don't need water, they need to be encouraged to do better, so from now on there will be no more water for wilty plants! All my water will now go to plants that already have more than enough water. When the wilting plants see that, they'll buck up and pull themselves together and do better, and only then will they get water!

So there you are, my new Neocon Gardening Project. I'll keep you all updated.

15 comments:

Mrs. Chili said...

You know, I'm sure you can get a good deal on astroturf on ebay or something. Nuke the yard and pave it over - isn't that more of a Neocon way to garden, anyway?

Beach Bum said...

I agree with Mrs. Chili, neocons would "surge" to buy the astroturf.

Catalyst said...

That's sad and disappointing. It just doesn't sound like the Colonel.

Phoebe Fay said...

Damn straight! No more wimpy, unpatriotic plants! If they were real American plants - you know, like John Wayne plants - they'd pull themselves up by their roots and march over to the hose and get their own damn water. And they'd punch a few squirrels on the way. Because everybody knows squirrels are just Canadian spies trying to force decent healthcare on us!

Thomas said...

Now you are getting the feeling. Make those plants drop and give you twenty push ups or you will rip them out by the roots

No more liberal gardens. Only loyal American conservative gardens.

TV

The Manic Street Preacher said...

garden terrorism eh? I like the sound of that. Anarchy is coming!!!

I hope...

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, my Clematis is shaking in it roots right now . . .

C.Rag said...

Make sure your plants wear an American flag pin.

AngryMan said...

This is straight out of Tom DeLay's book on gardening.

Colonel Colonel said...

Mrs. Chili: AstroTurf was the Ronny Raygun method. The NeoCon method involves a lot of yelling, and astroturf is remarkably resistant to being yelled at.

Beach: But it's all made in China.

Catalyst: No tomatoes for you!

Phoebe: Damn squirrels. Nuke 'em.

TV: Damn right. Those plants are going to learn that it's my way or the highway. Literally.

Manic: God save the Queen! She ain't no string bean!

Malach: damned Frenchy plant!

C.Rag: I went one better. I got out the paint gun and painted them all red, white and blue. said...

AngryMan: Tom knew his way around in the weeds all right.

pissed off patricia said...

Be sure your flowers are only red, white and blue ones.

Mike said...

"brie-eating bed-wetters."

I really resent that classification because I hate brie.

anaglyph said...

You should have convinced your neighbours about the aphids by using blurry aerial photographs of somebody else's back yard with something that looked vaguely like rosebushes in it (whether or not they had aphids on them doesn't really matter).

here today, gone tomorrow said...

"brie-eating bed-wetters"

I scared the cats by laughing too loudly at this...

SagaciousHillbilly said...

HAR! Fucking failures refuse to pull themselves up by their roots!