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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The New Rules-

It's Wednesday, and I think we all need a laugh. At least I do. This has been swirling around the emails for a little while, and as far as I know it was not actually written by George Carlin, but it sounds like it was, and it's funny anyway-

[not] George Carlin's New Rules.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavoured water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavoured water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

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THIS JUST IN: If you really want to laugh, go and read the latest installment of the Reverend Anaglyph's "Peter Popoff Saga". I linked to his entire series of posts on Peter Popoff there, and for those who have not been following it, some quick background- the Rev. Peter Popoff is one of those Televangelist-type preachers who's main goal in life seems to be asking folks to send him money. He works through the mails and sends "faith gifts" to encourage you to send him cash, and somehow Anaglyph got on his mailing list. He's been documenting the various odd things the Rev. Popoff sends in an increasingly funny series of blog posts. You have to see it all to believe it!

14 comments:

here today, gone tomorrow said...

So, does this mean that I can't do the baby registry that I'm setting up for Angry Ginger?

Favorite one: Starbucks asshole. Right on!

Malicious Intent said...

OH why, why, why did I read this while trying to eat a bowl of cereal this morning! lol! Yeah, that does sound like carlosm mencia....we love him. He tells it like it is!

Thanks for the good laugh, I think you are right...we all needed that.
Have a great day! Let's hope we get an update on Mike today. (So hard waiting!)

Mrs. Chili said...

*SNORT!* I love the one about Target solving the Social Security crisis.

Much funniness, much needed. Thanks, Colonel!

AngryMan said...

Yeah, I wish that I had been the kid hooking up w/that hot blond moron teacher in FL. That would have been awesome.

Colonel Colonel said...

HTGT: I want nothing to do with standing between Angry Ginger and his gifties. Cash would put my head on a pole.

MI: Good advice is good advice, isn't it?

Mrs. Chili: In Target we Trust.

Angryman: I know. Why didn't they have hot teachers, I mean criminals, like that around when I was in high school?

Phoebe Fay said...

I want a remote in the Cineplex! Hell yeah. I want it just like the TV, so I can pause it to go to the bathroom or back it up when I didn't hear what was said cuz some asshole was talking.

Also, it's her presents. I'm bettin' that Irate Ginger is a girl.

C.Rag said...

I wish there were hot lesbians teacher in high school for me.

We only had the butch gym teachers.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

ohhhh i heart george carlin immensely. he makes me seem optimistic and cheery

Malach the Merciless said...

Yeah, that Georgie is more Catankerous the usual . .

Colonel Colonel said...

Phoebe: I'm betting a girl to. It just makes sense. And then they'd outnumber Angryman.

C.Rag: The new generation seems to get all the luck!

T-Bird: Maybe it's time for a lube!

Malach: Oh God, if only THAT George was running he country.

Pope Benedict XVI said...

De Pope says George Carlin is Satan's Minion, yes he is!

Beach Bum said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beach Bum said...

I had flavored water as a kid, it was called Kool-Aid and was cheap as hell to make. What companies are getting away with selling that stuff proves P.T. Barnum was a very wise man.

anaglyph said...

Tetherd Cow Tip o' the Month:

Don't bother with gift registries! Just send your name & address to Peter Popoff for a never-ending supply of intriguing and unusual gifts!