Judging by the number of time Our Lord's name is taken in vain on this blog, I'm betting that most of you aren't counting on being Raptured anytime soon, but for those of you who are, have you ever stopped to ask yourself- "After I'm taken by The Lord to the Big House in the Sky, what will become of Fluffy and Fido?"
Well, worry no more, Mr. & Mrs. Holier Than Thou!
Eternal Earthbound Pets U.S.A. stands ready to take care of your furry or feathered loved-ones after you get what's coming to you -
"We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus".
"Cool!" I hear you say, "But how do I know they'll really be Left Behind?"
"Our representatives have been screened to ensure that they are atheists, animal lovers, are moral / ethical with no criminal background, have the ability and desire to rescue your pet and the means to retrieve them and ensure their care for your pet's natural life."
And how much, I know you are asking, does this Eternal Peace of Mind cost? Just pennies a day!
"Our service is plain and simple; our fee structure is reasonable. For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved. Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional $15.00 fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged friends."
But what about Alfie, my baby alligator??
"Unfortunately at this time we are not equipped to accommodate all species and must limit our services to dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, and small caged mammals."
Sorry, Alfie. But for the rest of you Rapture-Ready Christians, I have just one final thing to say-
WHY THE FUCK DON'T I THINK
OF THESE THINGS FIRST????
OF THESE THINGS FIRST????
7 comments:
But what about Pet Heaven, you make me cry
LOLOLOL! Oh my God, this is the best idea since phone sex!
I see they have no coverage in Florida yet. Maybe I can get a new job!
Sorry..there is no pet heaven.
Thanks for your kind comments on my pet rapture website. Wish I could claim 100% originality, but my business partner found a UK site that offered similar services...we just applied it to a larger audience, and developed a real pet rescuer infrastructure.
Sorry, we are not taking on new pet rescuers...we have our hands full in the 20 states we do cover.
If you like that site, you'd love my book: The Atheist Camel Chronicles, avail from amazon.com.
Best regards,
Bart (co-owner EEBP.com)
http://www.eternal-earthbound-pets.com/
aka Dromedary Hump http://theatheistcamelchronicles.blogspot.com/
Bwahahahaha!
I guess my angry ass will be here to take care of my critters (unless all dogs do go to heaven, and take the cats with him).
I wish we had people who believed in The Rapture down here so I could start and Australian Chapter.
So who is going to take care of the Christians left behind who didn't make the cut?
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