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Monday, December 01, 2008

The Simple Life-

As we enter the month of December, Christmas Shopping Season, Holiday Party Season and all the other hoopla that go with the Holidays, sometimes it's good to take a step back and try to simplify.

In that spirit, I offer the following Amazingly Simple Home Remedies to Simplify Your Life which I stole from somewhere or other-

-Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

-Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

-For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

-A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

-If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

-You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

-Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

-If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.


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10 comments:

Hungry Mother said...

Thanks. Great life lessons, hard won, I'm sure.

Catalyst said...

Great advice to fit all occasions. Thank you, Colonel.

Mike said...

I like this list. It's actually better than the ten commandments.

When it comes to tools, I have always said that if you can't fix it with a sledge hammer and a crow bar, you need to buy a new one.

Beach Bum said...

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

I find a great deal of comfort in that saying.

Malach the Merciless said...

Hey, I got duck tape holding my brakelines together, thanks for the advice

nerdgirlsspace said...

Damned good list! =)

Phoebe Fay said...

-Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

-For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.


If you combine these two, you have a simple way to take care of your health AND add protein and flavor to your salads.

Malicious Intent said...

My list:
Avoid family at all matters, except for those living under your roof which are hopefully a Mom Unit, a Dad Unit, and a few, FEW children units. Don't invite anyone over (they will show up anyway) but try to discourage it by hanging a plaque on the front door stating a quarantine due to the black plaque. This is also a great time to just mail empty cards with no promises and a note of quarantine.

Only buy for yourself and the kids. It is much more enjoyable and everyone will get what they want which saves everyone a shit load of money on crap you don't want and crap they no longer have to buy.

Who needs to bake with a bakery down the road, or at least a Costco. Harry & David stores are also good for filling in all of those holiday treats with just one trip to the store.

Disconnect your phone. So many reasons and I am sure everyone has a good one.

Share with your family. Is there any rules that say you must share with the entire planet. Tell them to bugger off!

Shop on line so you can miss all of that holiday cheer as folks fight over parking spots, try to run you over in parking lots and folks fight ove who was first in line. While this in and of itself is interesting to watch human behavior...you could end up accidently in the middle of a granny cat fight you never intended to participate in.

Well tose are my notes on how we handle the season. Want to let someone in on the inner circle...please for the love of chocolate do a proper vetting process FIRST. We all know what happened when McCain didn't vet properly.

Ho, Ho, Ho, Happy Holidays!

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Love these, and here's one of my own: When in doubt, take a nap.

Thomas said...

Okay, that made hump day bearable and I laughed