Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Mary Crispymas!

Ah, Christmas, my favorite holiday! What I love most is singing the traditional Christmas carols, like "Daddy Shot Rudolph and Hung His Head on Our Wall", "I Saw Mommy Blowing Santa Claus", "Oh, Little Whore of Bethlehem", "Santa's Got A Gun", "The Little Gang-Banger Boy", and "Oh Come, Marianne Faithful".

Comer on everyne, let's sing!

Chuck's nuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping off your nose
Yuletime Carol being done by the choir
And folks out dissin' eskimoes...

Everybody knows
that Holly is a friggin' ho,
and Ronny killed her kids last night,
Fucking cops, if your husband don't know,
Can make you sleep so deep, tonight...

A Seasonal Hunting Song

(with apologies to Tom Leher)

I always will remember,
'Twas a year ago December,
I went out to hunt some deer,
On a morning bright and clear.
I went and shot the maximum
the game laws gave myself:
Two bell ringers, seven reindeer, and an elf.

I was in no mood to trifle,
I took down my trusty rifle
And went out to stalk my prey.
What a haul I made that day!
I tied them to my fender,
and I drove them home myself:
Two bell ringers, seven reindeer, and an elf.

The law was very firm, it
Took away my permit,
The worst punishment
it could manage to propose.
It turned out there was a reason,
It seems elves were out of season,
And one of the reindeer had bright-red, glowing nose.

People ask me how I do it,
And I say "There's nothin' to it,
You just stand there lookin' cute,
And when something moves, you shoot!"
So there's ten stuffed heads sitting
on my maple trophy shelf:
Two bell ringers, seven reindeer, and an elf.


Malach the Merciless said...

Merry Christmas!

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Merry Christmas to you, your lovely wife, Ike, and the Felines!

Beach Bum said...

Merry Christmas and more importantly Happy Festivus day.
I really wish the two shower chicks would go ahead and kiss.
And in the spirit of Al Yankovic's song did you hear that Putin is going to ramp up Russia's production of nuclear missiles and conventional weapons? We may be getting rid of Bush but we are left with neo-Stalin in the Kremlin.

Cissy Strutt said...


Hungry Mother said...

I thought the Italian donkey song was this year's lousiest song.

Malicious Intent said...

It's good to see you in the holiday spirit....now will you go and move on to more important things, like how to sew a frog to a alligator.